Yesterday I was helping a friend load some files onto my computer so I could edit them for her. She is a MAC and I am a PC. I'm rather proud to be John Hodgeman in this scenario. He's definitely the smarter of the too. Stupid Justin Long made Accepted. Prosecution rests.
Anyway, as in any cross platform communication, it was a nightmarish cluster-fuck. While we were trying to dump files somehow my external hard drive (which contained the files from my movie, my entire music library and every picture we've taken since getting a digital camera) got erased.
Then my computer started shutting down with no warning or reason. I eventually did a system restore on that an it seems to be ok now.
But when I got in my car today to take the hard drive to ye olde data mines the car was dead. No click of the starter motor, no lights on the dash, nothing. Completely dead.
The machines are mad. I thought the first rule of any nearly sentient equiptment was to do no harm to humans. Isn't that the prime directive? Didn't Asimov or Bradley tell me that machines can't hurt me? I guess that was the FICTION part of the science.
Just to be safe I'm not gonna turn on my TV for fear that it will fill the room with poisonous gas while screaming obscenities about my mother and ruining my credit rating.
Keep It Down, I'm Trying to Get PAID!
1 Comments Published by Chris on Friday, January 16, 2009 at 7:09 PM.
Ever since I've been unemployed it's become increasingly harder to drag my ass out of bed. So much so that I have now gone almost entirely nocturnal. I routinely go to bed around 4 or 5 am. I am just not tired before then. Then when I get into bed I sleep for 12 or 13 hours. Yesterday I slept the sun around. Dark when I went to bed. Dark when I got up. Without any reason to get out of bed, surprise, surprise, I don't. It's also a very kid-friendly way of handling depression.
So imagine how shocked I was when I got rejected for a University of Chicago sleep study. Let me just defend my honor at this point and clarify: I AM AN EXCELLENT SLEEPER! Honestly, Olympic caliber. I've been entertaining the idea of teaching a master class for insomniacs. I am THAT good!
The study was something about a link between sleep, weight and diabetes. So they asked me my weight, which I make a habit of not giving out over the phone just like my social security number and for much the same reasons. I don't want anyone using it against me. But the economy has loosened my morals on the issue a bit and if it would get me a paycheck I would have told them I was an albino, lesbian, soccer mom.
I gave them the number and they said, in a nutshell, "Okay, you're fat." Thank you very much. Go ahead, take my pride, I'm clearly not using it for anything. That's a good 7 or 8 pounds lost right there.
They asked me about my caffeine intake. I told them it, not unlike my ass, was sizable. Honestly, I have to do something to keep me awake. They asked me if I would be willing to ween myself off of caffeine for the study. And for the price they were offering I would have shot the stuff directly into my own eyeballs if they asked.
"Are you on any prescription medications?"
My pat answer is usually, "Yes. ANTI-PSYCHOTICS!" And then I start eating my own shirt. But I decided that was probably going to work against me in this scenario. Little did I realize that the truth was also going to work against me.
"I am on an anti-depressant for general anxiety disorder."
That's it. No thank you. Take a hike. We can't use you.
Apparently I am so unemployable that I cannot even get a job SLEEPING! Ironically not having a job is the major source of my anxiety right now. A little income from...say...I don't know...a sleep study would have made me a lot less anxious and rendered the caffeine unnecessary.
And so now I will go back to assuaging my anxiety and depression the only ways I know: prescription drugs and sleep. Sweet, anxiety-inducing, unpaid sleep.
Labels: Anti-Depressants, Economy, Sleep Study, Unemployment
An Open Letter to The Unemployment Office
1 Comments Published by Chris on Thursday, January 08, 2009 at 3:45 PM.
To The Illinois Department of Employment Security,
Your websites are a joke and your phone service is the punchline.
I registered for unemployment a month ago on your poorly constructed and even more poorly implemented website. I answered question after painfully incomprehensible question. I signed up for the Illinois Skills Match database. I listed all of my job skills and education and training for you to quantify. I searched through your "skills match" jobs. I looked on patiently as your website listed all the jobs I was "qualified" for along with a corresponding percentage of "how qualified" I was for them. I slowly simmered while those percentages told me the gap between my skills and the jobs available...a quantification and catalog of my inadequacy rarely seen outside of the a family gathering. But I did not get angry.
I've called in every other week to certify that I am looking for jobs. I have answered your battery of even more incomprehensibly worded questions. ("Were you working for the same company on the 12th as you were on the 8th?" I was fired on the 8th. If I answer "Yes" then I am certifying that I am still employed by the company that fired me, which is not true. If I answer "No" I am stating that I am currently working, which is also not true.)
I smiled through gritted teeth when you demanded to put my unemployment money on a State of Illinois Visa card. I angrily drummed my fingers on the desk as I waded through the digital swamp that hid the application form for the direct deposit of my unemployment money into my checking account. Even when I got a letter from your office saying that I was being denied a week of my unemployment money because I answered a phone question in a way that made you question my eligibility I remained begrudgingly calm.
When I called into your office (using the phone number provided by your very own paperwork) on three separate occasions and was immediately ushered into a voicemail box I teetered on the brink of coming unhinged. When the voicemail announcer informed me that the mailbox was full and that my only option was to "try back later?" That was the precise moment I became certifiably enraged.
I submit to you that there is no job crisis. You clearly need more people at the unemployment office to answer phones. Maybe someone to help you make sense of the certification questions? I have a Speech Communications degree and have held many writing and customer service positions. I feel like my job history and training make me uniquely able to fill the gap in your office team. I would appreciate the opportunity to discuss my qualifications with you further. I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest possible convenience...or whenever you can pull yourself out of that voicemail box.
Sincerely,
Chris Gummert, Job Seeker
Labels: Open Letter, State of Illinois, Unemployment
