The Intelligence Estimate

ENUNCIATE!

2009-02-09T22:00:00.009-06:00

When I went home to my mom's my hair was this long...crazy homeless man length.

This is my brother Dave post haircut. Gosh he looks happy. That's because this is the haircut he asked Mom to give him.

This is me post hair cut. I don't look as happy do I? THAT'S BECAUSE THIS IS NOT THE HAIRCUT I ASKED FOR! Mom asked me how I wanted my hair cut. I said, "Like it is only shorter." She heard, "Like HIS only shorter." By the time I realized what she was doing she was half done with my hair cut. So I let her finish.
Then I went home and did this.

It's a workable solution, but not perfect. I feel this haircut makes minorities very jumpy and cancer survivors think I'm mocking them.

Skynet is Becoming Self Aware

2009-01-25T16:57:00.002-06:00

Yesterday I was helping a friend load some files onto my computer so I could edit them for her. She is a MAC and I am a PC. I'm rather proud to be John Hodgeman in this scenario. He's definitely the smarter of the too. Stupid Justin Long made Accepted. Prosecution rests.

Anyway, as in any cross platform communication, it was a nightmarish cluster-fuck. While we were trying to dump files somehow my external hard drive (which contained the files from my movie, my entire music library and every picture we've taken since getting a digital camera) got erased.

Then my computer started shutting down with no warning or reason. I eventually did a system restore on that an it seems to be ok now.

But when I got in my car today to take the hard drive to ye olde data mines the car was dead. No click of the starter motor, no lights on the dash, nothing. Completely dead.

The machines are mad. I thought the first rule of any nearly sentient equiptment was to do no harm to humans. Isn't that the prime directive? Didn't Asimov or Bradley tell me that machines can't hurt me? I guess that was the FICTION part of the science.

Just to be safe I'm not gonna turn on my TV for fear that it will fill the room with poisonous gas while screaming obscenities about my mother and ruining my credit rating.

Keep It Down, I'm Trying to Get PAID!

2009-01-16T19:09:00.004-06:00

Ever since I've been unemployed it's become increasingly harder to drag my ass out of bed. So much so that I have now gone almost entirely nocturnal. I routinely go to bed around 4 or 5 am. I am just not tired before then. Then when I get into bed I sleep for 12 or 13 hours. Yesterday I slept the sun around. Dark when I went to bed. Dark when I got up. Without any reason to get out of bed, surprise, surprise, I don't. It's also a very kid-friendly way of handling depression.

So imagine how shocked I was when I got rejected for a University of Chicago sleep study. Let me just defend my honor at this point and clarify: I AM AN EXCELLENT SLEEPER! Honestly, Olympic caliber. I've been entertaining the idea of teaching a master class for insomniacs. I am THAT good!

The study was something about a link between sleep, weight and diabetes. So they asked me my weight, which I make a habit of not giving out over the phone just like my social security number and for much the same reasons. I don't want anyone using it against me. But the economy has loosened my morals on the issue a bit and if it would get me a paycheck I would have told them I was an albino, lesbian, soccer mom.

I gave them the number and they said, in a nutshell, "Okay, you're fat." Thank you very much. Go ahead, take my pride, I'm clearly not using it for anything. That's a good 7 or 8 pounds lost right there.

They asked me about my caffeine intake. I told them it, not unlike my ass, was sizable. Honestly, I have to do something to keep me awake. They asked me if I would be willing to ween myself off of caffeine for the study. And for the price they were offering I would have shot the stuff directly into my own eyeballs if they asked.

"Are you on any prescription medications?"

My pat answer is usually, "Yes. ANTI-PSYCHOTICS!" And then I start eating my own shirt. But I decided that was probably going to work against me in this scenario. Little did I realize that the truth was also going to work against me.

"I am on an anti-depressant for general anxiety disorder."

That's it. No thank you. Take a hike. We can't use you.

Apparently I am so unemployable that I cannot even get a job SLEEPING! Ironically not having a job is the major source of my anxiety right now. A little income from...say...I don't know...a sleep study would have made me a lot less anxious and rendered the caffeine unnecessary.

And so now I will go back to assuaging my anxiety and depression the only ways I know: prescription drugs and sleep. Sweet, anxiety-inducing, unpaid sleep.

An Open Letter to The Unemployment Office

2009-01-08T15:45:00.002-06:00

To The Illinois Department of Employment Security,

Your websites are a joke and your phone service is the punchline.

I registered for unemployment a month ago on your poorly constructed and even more poorly implemented website. I answered question after painfully incomprehensible question. I signed up for the Illinois Skills Match database. I listed all of my job skills and education and training for you to quantify. I searched through your "skills match" jobs. I looked on patiently as your website listed all the jobs I was "qualified" for along with a corresponding percentage of "how qualified" I was for them. I slowly simmered while those percentages told me the gap between my skills and the jobs available...a quantification and catalog of my inadequacy rarely seen outside of the a family gathering. But I did not get angry.

I've called in every other week to certify that I am looking for jobs. I have answered your battery of even more incomprehensibly worded questions. ("Were you working for the same company on the 12th as you were on the 8th?" I was fired on the 8th. If I answer "Yes" then I am certifying that I am still employed by the company that fired me, which is not true. If I answer "No" I am stating that I am currently working, which is also not true.)

I smiled through gritted teeth when you demanded to put my unemployment money on a State of Illinois Visa card. I angrily drummed my fingers on the desk as I waded through the digital swamp that hid the application form for the direct deposit of my unemployment money into my checking account. Even when I got a letter from your office saying that I was being denied a week of my unemployment money because I answered a phone question in a way that made you question my eligibility I remained begrudgingly calm.

When I called into your office (using the phone number provided by your very own paperwork) on three separate occasions and was immediately ushered into a voicemail box I teetered on the brink of coming unhinged. When the voicemail announcer informed me that the mailbox was full and that my only option was to "try back later?" That was the precise moment I became certifiably enraged.

I submit to you that there is no job crisis. You clearly need more people at the unemployment office to answer phones. Maybe someone to help you make sense of the certification questions? I have a Speech Communications degree and have held many writing and customer service positions. I feel like my job history and training make me uniquely able to fill the gap in your office team. I would appreciate the opportunity to discuss my qualifications with you further. I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest possible convenience...or whenever you can pull yourself out of that voicemail box.

Sincerely,
Chris Gummert, Job Seeker

A Shadow of his Former Self

2008-12-19T23:50:00.004-06:00

Two weeks ago I was exercising in my living room with the "help" of Nintendo's Wii Fit. When it came time to weigh myself at the end of my session I was told that the Wii balance board was out of battery power and the only way to proceed was to change the batteries immediately. "No problem," I thought. "I'll burn off more calories looking for batteries and show this thing who's boss.

I got batteries and put them in the bottom of the balance board, turned it on and carefully flipped it over. The screen beeped at me. That's when I noticed that the weight of my hand on the board and the motion of the board hitting the floor registered as my weight, 0.62 lbs.

Apparently the extra weight I burned off looking for those batteries was beneficial in ways I even now can't comprehend.

Suddenly the screen started congratulating me on meeting my weight loss goal (to lose 20 lbs in a year) ahead of schedule. It didn't seem to concerned that the Wiimote weighs more than 0.62 lbs. It also didn't wonder about how I had gone about losing an amazing 216 pounds in the course of ONE WORK OUT. Details.

Then it suggested that I make a NEW workout goal. It suggested that 0.62 pounds may be a dangerous weight to be at so why not try building up some muscle mass? Why not indeed. At a little more than half a pound I should have no trouble finding heavy things to lift.

It would not let me advance any further or take my weight measurement again until I had made a new goal. Now being a game geared toward fat Americans it would not allow me to make a goal of GAINING weight. So the only goal I could choose from their menu was to MAINTAIN MY CURRENT WEIGHT. And the shortest time frame they gave me was 2 weeks. So That's the goal I made.

I then went back to take my weight measurement again. This time it measured me correctly and was simply appalled that I had gained 216 pounds since our last measurement.

So in the world according to Wii Fit you can never be too thin. Losing 216 pounds in a half an hour is commendable. Gaining 216 pounds in 3 minutes is shocking.

Imagine its disappointment today when I weighed myself again and, despite having lost a few pound in the intervening 2 weeks, I still hadn't maintained my old fighting weight of 0.62 pounds. But I am back on the trail. I am eating lightning and crapping thunder and one day I will be a contender again!

It's a Union Job

2008-11-17T14:31:00.007-06:00

I hate when handymen of any trade come over to the house. I always feel violated somehow. Like they're judging me. I feel like they are scrutinizing the way that I live and if I were a better person I wouldn't need to call in a wrench monkey to come lay hands on my pipes...or whatever it is they do.

Earlier this week a "team" showed up to tuck point the exterior of the apartment. For those of you unfamiliar with tuck pointing it is a masonry project where the exterior brick work is sealed by a process consisting of old Italian stereotypes yelling obscene things at each other at the top of their lungs. Somehow that keeps the water out of the house. My guess is that the water is just afraid to come in now.

So for two whole days we were held hostage by swarthy jerks on scaffolds who wanted nothing more than to scream our place sealed. Sophie, who has been a fitful sleeper as of late, slept through the whole thing.

This concerns me on a lot of levels. Not the least of which is that I am afraid now that when it comes to hiring a sitter we are going to need to find a Teamster with tourettes.

My Apologies

2008-11-11T18:32:00.002-06:00

I'm sorry. I didn't realize. I just thought the people who mentioned it saw something that I didn't see. I know it seems absurd, but I honestly didn't notice. So I'd like to say "I'm sorry" to all the people who asked me in the last year, "have you lost weight?" I didn't mean to lose my temper or insinuate that you thought I was fat. I just didn't realize I was losing weight.

Apparently, according to no less an authority than my doctor, I have lost 17 and a half pounds over the last year.

So the upside is I'm now almost 20 pounds lighter, the downside is I'm convinced I have chronic wasting disease or perhaps a large tape worm. Been nice knowin' ya!

The Great Pumpkin!

2008-11-02T16:42:00.003-06:00

I think I am legally required to do this to my child...

Quick Takes

2008-10-31T01:23:00.004-05:00

Why do all newborns look like Winston Churchill?
***
We went out to eat with Sophie for the first time two days ago. Is it child abuse to expose her to that much easy listening music?
***
I put together a rocking chair for Sophie's room today. I've assembled a chest of drawers, a crib, an end table and now a rocking chair. If you want to reduce teen pregnancy don't threaten them with talk of unwanted children, tell them sex leads to carpentry. Why do you think there are so many Amish? Those are some HANDY people!

Sophia Jordan Gummert Hughes

2008-10-25T00:17:00.002-05:00

Sophie was born on Friday, October 24, 2008 at 8:24a.m. She was 6 lbs. 11 oz and her length was...uh...baby-sized. Honestly they didn't measure her right away and we didn't catch it when they did so we're not really sure. But it doesn't matter. It's a needless statistic. It won't effect the value of her rookie card.

Mom and baby are doing fine. Jen is AMAZING! More on that later. Here are some photos.

First photo. Taken minutes after she was born.

Jen did an amazing job. She is tough as nails that one!

Left to right: Nina (our nurse), Amy (our friend and birth coach), Jen (my hero), Linda (our midwife) and some sap holding a baby.

Sophie

I'm watching you! Seriously, she sleeps with one eye open!

Contraction Negotiations

2008-10-23T23:13:00.002-05:00

Jen started having contractions today around 2 p.m. Right now (approximately 11:30 p.m.) we're just waiting around for the pain to become unbearable and then we will be going to the hospital.

That's a really odd sentence to have to write. We're just waiting for Jen's pain to become unbearable. It seems like all the bench marks at this point of the game are bizarre, painful, disgusting or some combination of all three. Jen passed her mucus plug. (Bizarre and disgusting) Jen told me that diarrhea is a good sign of the onset of labor. (Bizarre, disgusting and potentially painful) And now we are waiting for the contractions to become unbearable (Painful.)

I am doing the only thing I am qualified to do...nothing.

More as the situation warrants.

Call Me Calmly

2008-10-23T13:36:00.002-05:00

"I've got this crazy feeling that you've been trying to get to me when all you have to do is calmly call me. Calmly."

-Barenaked Ladies

Work has been a little crazy lately. Every time I step through the door people ask me, "has she had the baby yet?" I know it comes from a good place but it gets old very quickly. I feel like some kind of side show freak. COME AND SEE THE AMAZING MATERNITY MAN! Don't be afraid little ones, step right up and ask him anything you like!

"When's she due?"

"Are you nervous?"

"How's she feeling?"

"You must be pretty nervous, huh?"

"Is she ready for this to be over?"

"You've got to be so nervous right now, right?"

"Is she still working?"

"So are you nervous yet?"

In all honesty I've been nervous for 9 months, but I've gotten used to it. I've been adjusting pretty well, but when you get 25 people a day asking you if you're nervous you begin to think, "Maybe they know something I don't."

My pat answer at this point is, "You know what? I wasn't nervous until you mentioned it. Thanks!" Because if I'm gonna be nervous, I at least wanna make them feel bad for making me nervous. It's my passive-aggressive, scorched earth policy towards interpersonal communication.

The other question I get a lot is, "So do you have a pager or something? How can she get a hold of you?" And I'm just enough of a pessimist to hear in that, "I know you haven't thought of this for yourself so let me clue you in, she's gonna want to contact you when she goes into labor."

So I lash out, "Nope, I don't even have my phone with me." Which is a lie, but I love to see the panic on their faces. Who's nervous now?

So the other night at work I get a phone call from Jen, but I can't get to my cell phone in time to answer it and it goes right into voice mail. Knowing that there is a cadre of people around me who flip out every time they see me answer my phone, I slip into the stairwell to take it. Without even listening to the message I call home to see what's going on. Jen, who was in the middle of leaving me a message, clicks over and answers.

"Guess what?"

Knowing that the baby is already a few days over due and already primed with fear a thousand questions go through my mind.

"Do you need me to call you a cab? Is your bag packed? Do I need to come home and get the car? Should I drive you? Do you just want to meet me at the hospital? Should I get someone to cover the rest of my shift? What's the fastest way to the hospital? Cab? Car? Train? Ultralite?"

I must have been silent (flipping through all the possible questions) for too long because Jen continues, "guess who cannot figure out how to turn on the TV?"

My wife's not stupid, and, to be fair, our TV does seem to be designed specifically to confuse people. You have one channel for the cable, one for the VCR, one for the Wii and one for the xBox. Then there are no less than three different remotes needed to carry out any given function and any number of variables that can happen within each one of the peripheral's domains that can effect the TV's functionality. And given the fact the she doesn't watch as much TV as I do, it is perfectly reasonable that she might not be able to decipher the codes for turning it off and on.

That being said, it's no reason to give me a heart attack either.

"Turn it to channel 73 and you should be fine," I said.

"Ok. Thanks."

"Don't ever do that again."

"I'm sorry. The TV's just so complicated, and with company here I got distracted...."

She didn't even realize what she'd done. After explaining to her how she almost killed me, she apologized. In the meantime, until our daughter arrives, we've agreed that when she calls me she will always start with, "Everything's fine, I'm not going into labor!"

Call me.

Calmly.

Hello, I Must Be Going

2008-10-13T05:25:00.004-05:00

Hi everybody.

I haven't written here for over a year. Is anyone still out there? Let me know if you're still there or if you wanna be taken off the mailing list or whatever.

Anyway, let me catch you up on the major events of the last year: I did my one man show for 8 weeks here in Chicago, I got an Xbox (thus the new tab on the top of the blog site marked My Xbox Live Profile), I got a full time job at Blue Man Group, I made a movie and got into 2 festivals, I made another movie that I'm currently editing and Jen and I are expecting a child any day now.

That last one is really the reason I relaunched this blog. I wanted to have a space where I could post for all the relatives who couldn't be here and anyone else who wants to keep up with our little girl. (Oh, by the way, it's a girl...we're not giving out her name until she gets here.)

So keep your eyes on this sight for more info on the impending birth. This is your one stop shopping for all things baby!

Meme Mah Mo Moo

2007-08-06T20:03:00.000-05:00

I've been tagged by Laurie for this "Best Of" meme, which doesn't even sound like words when you say them aloud, but the basic gist of it is this: here's ten blog entries of mine that make me giggle.

On The Fringe of Reality A very recent entry on the pure folly that makes me think that people will listen when I'm speaking.

To Russia With Love An oldie revisited, revisited. If this doesn't thaw icy diplomatic relations I don't know what will.

Pharaoh, Let My Sperm GO! Overbearing parents kill a child's sex life. Then, when the child has actually been killed, they pimp him out to anyone they can find.

TransAmerican Bambi Calling this story "news of the weird" would be an insult to news and weird things alike. A seven-legged, transgendered deer is killed in Wisconsin. In Wisconsin that's just another Thursday.

Law & Order, Pakistan Precinct 12 And you think cab drivers in America are horrible?!

Dr. Feelgood Losing your penis once is regrettable. Losing your penis twice is just careless.

A Love Story, Minus The Love Laundry with a dash of danger and spoonful of stupid.

An Open Letter to the Woman in the Station Wagon Sorry I ruined your life. Really, I am.

Brother Can You Spare...uhhh...About $400 We will never get divorced. We can't afford it.

I'm A 7 and 3/8ths Hat man! Da-da da-da da-da da-da, HAT MAN!

I choose to tag Will and Heather.

Meme Rules:

1. Please try to limit your post to 10 items or less
2. Tag 5
3. Take your time. Do some digging in the archives and find the perfect ones - it’s to your advantage more than anything else.
4. Please if possible, link to this post for meme info, and please link to the post that you were tagged in. Memes go on for quite a long time and when trying to follow one backwards to see some of the other posts, it gets quite difficult when only the blog URL is used.. Just a request.
5. The people you tag, please let them know by email, contact form or some other efficient method.

Rise of the Machines

2007-08-01T12:32:00.000-05:00

I wouldn't be a bit surprised if this entire post comes out as nothing more than a series of squiggles and dashes. Frankly me and technology aren't getting along for some reason. That's right ALL of technology. Anything more advanced than an inclined plane is rebelling against my every command. And make no mistake, I make a lot of commands!

Last night I decided to re-start a project I was doing for a friend transferring tapes to CD. Now, I don't expect this all to make a lot of sense. In fact I fully expect to descend into tech babble at any minute. But rest assured the thesis statement is always: I AM BEING SCREWED!

Meanwhile, back in the story: I have the original files from the tapes stored on my old computer which we call speedy. At the time we got that computer it was an accurate name. Now it's more of a joke. But that's really a different story. I was attempting to edit the sound files from my laptop (which I call Marvin...don't ask) via my wireless network. First I could not get the files to import from Speedy to Marvin. I had to go into Speedy and change the file type to get Marvin to recognize the files.

Then I edited them on Marvin and saved them back to Speedy to keep all the files in one location. Then I attempted to import the newly edited files back into Marvin and make a CD out of them. This is when I discovered that some of the files did not transfer correctly and I had to re-edit them. Once I got that problem ironed out then iTunes decided that it wasn't going to let me include the name or album title on any of the tracks I imported. After struggling with that problem for awhile iTunes then decided that it didn't want me to be able to arrange the tracks in the order that I wanted them burned onto CD. Keep in mind it would allow me to do all of these things to ANY OTHER FILE in iTunes, just not the ones I needed. It's hard not to take that personally.

At some point both computers crashed and I had to restart both of them. I then decided that I needed to run my spyware program on Marvin to make sure all of this was just a fluke and not a spyware attack. When I attempted to run the spyware program Vista assured me that the spyware license was out of date and I needed to purchase a new license for the program. I had been meaning to do this anyway so I got out my credit card and charged ahead. Despite the fact that I had twice as much money in my account as was necessary for the purchase (at least according to my online banker, who I should have been starting to doubt at this point but I was simply reduced to blind rage at this point and not paranoid frenzy. That would come later) the card got rejected. TWICE!

I decided that it was best to go to bed and cut my losses. But the losses followed me.

Jen got up at 5 a.m. to go to work. At that point I decided to set my alarm so I could get to work on time as well. However, when I went to set my alarm I hit the inappropriately named "SLEEP" button. That button turns on the radio for no less than an hour for people who think, "I could go to sleep if only it were LOUDER!" Honestly, who are these people? I mean, sure, people occasionally use my one man show as an aural cure for insomnia, but why institutionalize it in my radio? And the real kicker is that there is no way to turn off th sleep timer. NONE. You're just stuck with it for an hour unless you unplug the radio, which I did.

I went back to iTunes again today to try to add the album and artist names to the track that I FINALLY was able to import. No go. Again, it would allow me to change that information on any file EXCEPT THE ONES I NEEDED TO!

I got to work today and I checked my account balance online to see if I could afford a purchase I was considering. When I did I noticed that all the money I had in there last night was missing today. This is due to an online account transfer from checking to my savings of $30. It should be mentioned at this point that I did not authorize this transfer and I was completely unaware it was going to happen. I can find no precedent for it in any of the bank records and no authorization for it to happen.

Well, I only had 20 some dollars in my savings account so the online banker, realizing I have overdraft protection, withdrew $10 from my savings and deposited it into my checking so it could turn around and deposit all $30 into my savings. Well, when I saw that I had $0 in my checking account I immediately went into my savings account and transferred $40 back into checking...and then the bank collapsed under the weight of its own psychotic redundancy.

When the machines become sentient (sometime next week by the look of it) they're going to be pissed at all the years of yelling and swearing they've had to endure at the hands of people like me. I do not expect them to be benevolent overlords. I'm going to go live in a cave until this whole mess blows over.

On The Fringe of Reality

2007-07-31T19:14:00.000-05:00

I survived the world premiere of my one man show Countdown: The Story of the Exploding Whale. The Iowa Fringe Festival was July 19-22 in my old stomping grounds of Des Moines. The reaction was overwhelmingly positive. Nonetheless, being who I am, I can only concentrate on the negatives.

One of the comments on the Fringe website was, "funny but too long for one story…" First off, let me say thank you. I appreciate that you thought the show was funny. However, the title of the show is "the story of the exploding whale." What story did you expect to hear? I feel I'm pretty safe posting this here because it's buried all the way in the second paragraph. Even if she found this web site she'd never make it this far down.

I was allotted an hour, but I only used 45 minutes (which, apparently for some people was still too long!) so during my second show I decided to do a question and answer session. After the Sunday show it got a little...well...weird.

The first question I got was not even a question at all. It was a older guy in the front row. I knew this guy was different from the moment he entered the room. I showed up 20 minutes before the show started (which is 10 minutes before the doors were even supposed to be open) and immediately started asking us if we could make it any colder in the room. My lovely wife told him very gently that we didn't have any power over the air conditioning. This did not shake the guy at all. He just sat down and plugged in the box fan he brought with him. Iowans are a plucky, resourceful folk who are accustomed to disappointment. But rarely have I seen them plan ahead with such foresight. Bravo Fan Guy!

So this guy is the first one to pipe up after the show and he starts rambling on about how I'm a regular Herman Melville and Captain Ahab, blah, blah, blah. I think it was complimentary. I'm not sure. I assume he meant well. Honestly, my memory of the non-question is a little fuzzy because of what came after it.

An older woman on a Rascal scooter raised her hand and asked, "So what happened to the whale." As I've already mentioned the title of the show is "The Story of the Exploding Whale." So naturally I was more than a little taken aback by the question.

"I'm sorry?" I asked.

"What happened to the whale?"

I didn't know how to answer. I responded meekly, "You mean THIS whale? The one the whole show was about?"

"Yeah. That one."

"Ummmmm...it exploded."

How do you miss a little detail like that? It is the whole point of the show.

"Oh," she explained, "I fell asleep and missed that part."

This bothers me for a couple of reasons, and not just for the fact that she missed the thinly veiled foreshadowing in the title. First of all, what do I have to do to keep your attention? There was an actual explosion on screen! Blubber rained from the sky and your reaction was, "Man I'm tired!" And secondly, you decided that you needed to tell me that! "Sorry your show couldn't hold my interest. Maybe you should hold onto that day job a little longer."

"It wasn't you," she said in a vain attempt to salvage...I'm not sure what she was trying to salvage at this point. "It wasn't you. The show was interesting I've just had a really long day. I was real tired."

A band-aid solution to a sucking chest wound problem.

Then she tried to make up for it with this: "Oh, I got another question. What do you think they're gonna do with those seven dead kangaroos in Mexico?"

And then she ripped the band-aid off and rolled away.

Quickies...Or As The Catholics Call Them "KWKYs"

2007-07-16T20:27:00.000-05:00

When I was in Des Moines last week I noticed a sign for a Catholic radio station. The radio station's call letters were KWKY. Really Catholics? Quickie? I guess when you rely on God and the rhythm method then a quickie's ok.

*****
I was walking to the store today to get a sandwich. I walked down the block and saw a young woman with her young daughter. The daughter was about a year and a half old. They started waving in my direction and I realized that Grandma was coming down the block behind me. So the young woman and her young daughter start running down the sidewalk in my direction to meet with Grandma. They get closer and closer (it's a long block) and they get giddier and giddier practically squealing with glee. Until the little girl gets right upon me. Then she turns very serious and looks up at me and says, "Walking here!"

How do they pack that much attitude on a frame that small? I couldn't be angry at her either because she was just adorable. It was like Joe Pesci coming out of Dakota Fanning. Surreal.

And for the record, I did find her amusing...like a clown.

*****
I saw another religious sign when I was in Des Moines last week. It said, "Prepare to Meet Thy God!" Now, I knew what they meant, but I couldn't help but feel like it was a roadside attraction of some kind. Like they actually had God in a tent out behind the barn. Man would ever have been cool!

*****
Our French neighbor downstairs is reading a book about the Nazis...there's a joke there somewhere.

*****
There was a tent revival on the lawn outside of an auto parts store in Des Moines. (They're a lot closer to God back there!) I'd seen it before but it always makes me laugh. It's so rare that one needs a socket set and salvation in the same day.

News Round-Up

2007-06-28T12:06:00.000-05:00

Welcome back. You've been gone for over a month. Where have you been? Whatcha up to? Fascinating!

Now, a "regular feature" that's been highly irregular lately: The News Round-Up

Fox News
SPICE GIRLS Announce Reunion for 11-Date World Tour
...world announces plans to be out of town that weekend.

CNN
Town Mourns 5 Cheerleaders Killed In Crash
I don't know how cheerleaders were in YOUR town, but I'm sure that the town wasn't THAT upset. I'm sure the chess club wasn't that shaken by it. All that cheering sort of breaks your concentration in the big chess meets.

And honestly, do you really need to be told when to cheer? Think about it, have you ever been at ball game and thought, "I might have been excited by that. If only there were someone here to tell me how to feel!"

US News and World Report
Some Antidepressants Pose Birth Defect Risks
...but your so happy you just don't give a damn!

Spam Folder Poetry

2007-05-27T08:28:00.000-05:00

Well, you knew it had to happen. Like 1000 monkeys at 1000 typewriters, my spam folder has finally produced Shakespeare...sort of. Actually I think they're just like 7 or 8 monekys short of Shakespeare, but it's exciting all the same.

"rattling talk was no unpleasing variety to Othello, who was himself of soon fell into a slumber the effect of her troubled spirits, when courtesy, than strength could succeed in forcing it, from such a one Leo line. Why would she have me killed said Marina now, as I can. He did as great Circe had appointed. He raised his mast, and hoisted for truth. His son, whose eye Ulysses had put out, set the 's heart on fire might be deceived in his belief that these oxen had any sacred"

Just a few more monkeys!

Leaving On A Jet Plane

2007-05-26T14:14:00.000-05:00

A baby was delivered on a Delta Airlines flight by two passengers who happened to be doctors. The baby was given to the mother and, answering the age old nature or nurture question, the child immediately started kicking the seat in front of it.

Spam Folder Poetry

2007-05-23T22:53:00.001-05:00

Unreadable from behind—they are well down
To watch me watch drowned snow lift from the lake.
The line between the outside and this room
Sits at the limit of a kind of world
Close at the end of distance the two Chose
At the end of the road. Even if they are staring
snowdrops and crocuses might be fooled
Nor, indeed, the bit of paint itself can know of.
In a single floral stroke,
Where does this all end? What is the vanishing
I do not betray you, I still go forward,
shaded by live oaks and bottlebrush trees
How can they get the point of how a world
To run, as in the time of the bee, seeking
Swaying in unison beneath the snow,
Stunned in their voiceless way to be alive
With a hand freed from weight,
Wind, sleet. The branches sway,
will come, blighting our harbingers of spring,

Enough Already!

2007-05-17T23:05:00.000-05:00

Dear Religious Roadsigns,

You know what else is only a theory? GOD!

Signed,

The Memory of John Scopes' Conscience

'Sup?

2007-05-17T22:50:00.000-05:00

Hey there. Me again. Long time no...uh...nothing. Here's the skinny on my end: I've been knee deep in exploding whale show stuff. The latest is that I will be premiering the piece at the Iowa Fringe Festival July 19th-22nd in Des Moines. It seems like the right place and time. I've been involved in the Iowa Fringe Festival for the past two years with my sketch and improv troupe back in Iowa called The Brink. This year they're not performing, so it seems like natural decision to slip the whale show in there. I'm also working on getting a web site for that show up and running. I'll let you know more about that as it gets completed. I imagine it will also be linked to this blog so you should be able to find it that way too.

As if preparing all that is not not enough, I am also directing a piece starring my wife (you don't want to know what she had to do to get the part!) and a great actress we know back in Des Moines. The show is called David's Redhaired Death and it's a great script. And with two actresses of their caliber, all I really have to do is turn on the lights and show up to take credit. So I'm looking forward to that.

In support of those two shows I was contacted by a reporter at a newspaper I used to work for back in Iowa. I'll link to that when the article is published. But I can tell you it was weird to be on the business end of an interviews for that paper. I can't wait to see what she writes.

More later.

Thanks for reading.

-Chris

Crime Wave

2007-05-09T11:08:00.000-05:00

I was on the phone the other night making plans with mom to come home this weekend when she told me that they MAY start locking the house. This is not a reaction to my coming home (as far as I know...hmmmmm.) but rather a response to a "disturbing" incident a few weeks ago. Mom told me that she came home and knew someone had been in their garage because someone had left a jacket there. "There was no note on it, they didn't want me to sew it or anything," she said.

That's right, my home town is so small that peoplke are worried about others breaking in and LEAVING them things. Soon they will be overrun with cookies and muffin baskets! The horror! The horror!

Slipping Through the Crack

2007-05-08T09:15:00.000-05:00

Thief made woman, 83, smoke crack - CNN

A 41 year old woman (Theresa) forced an 83 year old housemate (Shirley) to smoke crack on at least two occasions in order to obtain personal information that she later used to obtain a credit card under Shirley's name. Theresa then used the credit card to run up $3000 of debt. Presumably she used either cash advances or gifts purchased with the card to pay off her crack dealer. Which just proves what I've always said, "You have to spend crack to make crack."

Media Mania

2007-05-01T12:06:00.000-05:00

Here's some golden oldies I just posted on YouTube. Enjoy!

Value-Added Commodity

2007-04-23T09:57:00.001-05:00

The city manager of Largo, Florida, Steve Stanton, was fired because he is in the process of becoming Susan Stanton. You may have seen him on the Daily Show. Well, now Steve has applied for the same position in Sarasota, Florida but applied under Susan's name.

I'm very interested to see how this turns out in a highly-contentious red state like Florida because, despite their stance on alternative lifestyles, this is the perfect situation for Republican economics. They can hire a "man" to do the job, but pay $.70 on the dollar because a "woman" is doing it. Transgendered applicants are better value!

Those Things Will Kill Ya!

2007-04-11T11:58:00.002-05:00

Fox News Headline: Stray Bullet Kills Boy on Trampoline in Texas; Man Arrested.

See? This just proves what I've always said: trampolines are dangerous. Everyone is so worried about protecting kids from child predators, dirty movies and gun violence, but they never see the demon in their own backyard. Wake up people! Guns don't kill people, TRAMPOLINES DO!

I Really Want To Know!

2007-04-09T23:40:00.000-05:00

Can anyone tell me why the original Planet of the Apes was running on the HISTORY CHANNEL yesterday?

Money, It's a Hit!

2007-04-05T22:59:00.000-05:00

I got an e-mail from my good friend Maxwell Adama the other day. If you've never heard me talk of Max before it is only because I didn't know anything about him until last week. It seems that Max is the Auditing and Accounting Manager of the Bank of Africa in Burkina Faso and, due to some accounting snafu, he's been left with a large sum of unclaimed money. It belonged to a German man who died, along with his entire family, in a plane crash in 2000.

"Whatever will he do," you ask?

It seems that a clerical loophole allows foreigners to pose as next of kin and claim the fortune for themselves! All I need to do is send Max all of my personal information and we can split the money. Ten percent is apportioned for processing fees. Then the remainder is split between myself (30%) and Max (60%.)

How could this go wrong?

When I first heard this I thought, "Remember when this scam was the sole property of Nigerian royalty? What took the rest of the continent so long?"

Now naturally I have some questions about this arrangement. How exactly am I going to prove that I am related to the dead guy? I have no connection to him whatsoever except that his name appeared in a shady e-mail from the Bank of Africa that I received last week. Is that all the more connection you need? Because if it is I think I can see why Africa is in the shape it's in! Or are they trying to tell us that all white people look alike to them? Touche Bank of Africa! Well played.

The other part I have a problem with is the portions. Thirty percent? I'm supposed to give up my bank account numbers and routing information to an African pyramid scheme for 30% of the take? Don't insult me. Offer me the 60 percent share and then, due to unforeseen expenses, banking embargoes and tariffs, keep weaseling my share down to the 30 percent I was going to get anyway! But don't START at 30 percent. Even if you were going to hack my percentage down to 7 or 8 later, don't start at such a low number! I don't get out of bed in the morning for less than 60 percent of any unclaimed fortune! Please Bank of Africa, you demean us both!

Whose Humps Are These?

2007-04-04T11:38:00.000-05:00

Brilliant!

Subscription Changes

2007-04-03T12:29:00.000-05:00

FYI- Our temporary solution to the site feed problem is to remove all site feed buttons. This does not effect you if you have the posts delivered to your email account. The best way to recive these posts has always been via e-mail, and that remains true today. I am not sure how we will proceed in the future, but I will keep you updated.

Rumors of My Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

2007-04-03T11:27:00.000-05:00

Sorry I haven't been posting regularly, but I have a reason: I have been finishing the exploding whale show. I up the writing about a week ago and now I am working on editing and some technical details. I am also working on a website for the show, but so far have only gotten as far as registering a domain name.

As for The Intelligence Estimate, well I have a back log of stories I have to clear out, so I promise you there will be a lot of new material coming soon. There is also a minor glitch with the news feeds for this site. So if you have been keeping up to date with an RSS feed you've not been getting the updates. I've got my team of tech monkeys working on it right now.

That's all the news for the moment. There should be a new post later today. Thanks for reading.

Huh?

2007-03-27T09:25:00.000-05:00

Customer (on the phone): Hey, I'm from out of town. We're staying downtown at the Sofitel and we just wanted to know if you're near anything.

What I actually said was, "I'm not sure I understand the question." What I meant to say was, "No ma'am we exist in a vacuum in the inky black nothingness of space. The only way to get here is through your mind." Honestly, were in the third largest city in the nation were gonna be near SOMETHING!

Better Red Than Dead

2007-03-16T09:58:00.000-05:00

This story frightened me.

A man from Humble, Texas...let me just stop the story right there. Humble, Texas? HUMBLE? Texas? They think they are their own country! Humility is not in their genetic make up. And isn't naming a town Humble kinda asking for trouble anyway?

But I digress. A man from Humble,Texas was arrested for beating a man to death with a rock at a New Jersey rest stop. (See, I told you Humble was just asking for trouble.) The accused is Brian White, age 25. The deceased is Michail Makarenko, age 70.

What provoked White to lash out so violently against Makarenko? Makarenko refused to buy something from White: RELIGIOUS CD's! I guess White figured he was without sin and so he...well, you get where I'm going here.

In the interest of fairness, White is a DJ who goes by the name of DJ Coldblooded so there were warning signs. But I'm not here to defend the indefensible.

Makarenko had been living in the US since 1982. He was originally from the former Soviet Union where he ran a gallery. He used his gallery to exhibit the works of artists that were banned by the communist government. As a result spent 11 years in a Soviet prison.

He survived the godless Communist's and their prison system only to be beaten to death in America by a crazy religious fanatic.

Type O Positive

2007-03-15T10:17:00.000-05:00

Shift.

There is nothing inherently funny about the word itself, but the misspelling of it is often hilarious.

Yesterday Jen came home and told me about a computer training that she had to do at work. It was after a long day on the floor (she's a nurse) and she was a little...punchy. Slap happy. Silly. And at one point the program asked her to type the word, "shift." She typed "shift," but the "F" did not register. She giggled and typed it again. Nothing. She nudged the nurse next to her. She giggled too. Jen typed again, again NO "f." She invited everyone within the sound of her voice to try to type it and it kept coming up wrong. They finally decided that the person who wrote the program was either really bored or 13 years old. Both are equally likely.

This reminded me of a story that ran in my hometown paper YEARS ago. When I was in 6th grade the elementary school decided to build a new playground. It was designed by a guy named Bob Leathers. Bob's shtick is that he comes to town and has a "meeting" with all the kids where he asks them what they want in their playground. These being kids of course they shout out things like, "a castle," or "a rocketship" or "a solar-powered hamster launcher." You know, crazy stuff. And Bob just smiles and nods while jotting down all of it and making ridiculous promises that could not conceivably be kept even if the resources and technology were available. (So we settled for coal-burning hamster launchers. Sorry Al Gore, looks like global warming is totally the fault of Grundy Center, Iowa!)

But here's the beauty of Bob's gig: he doesn't build it. The community does. He's just the pied piper of playgrounds. Bob comes to town on a cloud of promises, draws some crap and splits with sacks and sacks of cash. Then the town has to pull together to attempt to keep from disappointing the kids who were promised a dinosaur fighting a shark in a tank of Legos.

So the playground committee places an ad in the paper to drum up volunteers. It stated that you could contact the committee to sign up for a shift. THAT one was spelled right. This one wasn't: "We know once you've done one four hour shift you'll want to sign up for another."

It's amazing the playground got built at all.

I'll See You On The Other Side!

2007-03-12T21:43:00.000-05:00

April 5, 2006 we lost a valued member of the family. He went suddenly and did not suffer. There was no autopsy to speak of, but we assumed that it was a pretty spontaneous and anomalous occurrence. I mean, that's probably just me trying to put a brave face on it, right? I have to believe that it was a totally random event or else the world would be to bleak to contemplate I guess. Anyway, it turns out that this death wasn't a total fluke that we thought it was. In fact, it runs in the family. I know because this very morning we buried his son, Junior.

I'm not trying to scare anyone, but we all need to face this together. WAKE UP AND START LIVING! Life is precious so you need to value your time with them when you can get it because you never know. You just never know. You can never tell when your iPod is going to crash...or when the replacement iPod is ALSO going to crash! So you need to enjoy every note of every song because you never know when they'll be gone forever. Take it from me. I know, because I didn't do that with the Pea Pod or Pea Pod, Jr. But I'm not making that mistake with P. Poddington, III. He will be cherished.

And Junior? Goodnight sweet prince. May a flight of angels sing thee to thy rest!

My Husband's Name Is Reuben

2007-03-08T09:34:00.000-06:00

A woman came to the window to buy tickets yesterday who had the unfortunate name of Sarah Kraut. If that doesn't sound odd to you, try saying it out loud as if it were one word.

To Russia With Love!

2007-03-06T01:48:00.000-06:00

According to my trusty Google homepage, on this date in 1869 Russian chemist Dmitri Mendeleev unveiled the first periodic table at the World Science and Sciencey Type Stuff Bazaar and Bake Sale. In honor of this great achievement (and because I am exceedingly LAZY) I am rerunning an old favorite: "Congratulations, It's An Element!" It is a blog post from July of 2005 that showcases the best of Russia and America. From Russia we get staggering works of scientific advancement and from America (or more precisely from ME) we get the very philistine ignorance that we are known for all over the world! (But ESPECIALLY in the middle east!)

Enjoy this one from the vaults!

-Management

*****

So I was taking an on-line quiz today that asked something about the periodic table of elements. When they revealed the answer to that question it turns out I'd gotten it wrong, but they provided a link you could follow and learn more about the elements and the people that discovered them. Well, as I perused the table (that's right, I PERUSED! I used to ogle tables, but I was young and impetuous then and those days are behind me.) and I found out that the two newest elements (Ununquadiurr and Ununhexium) had been discovered in 1998 and 2000. When I found out I was giddy as a school girl. I had only one thought, "Where do I send the presents?" So I looked up the Joint Institute for Nuclear Research in Dubna, Russia (the place where the elements were discovered) and found an e-mail address for the director of the institute. His name is Vladimir Georgievich Kadyshevsky. So I e-mailed him this letter...

"Dear Director Kadyshevsky,

I understand that congratulations are in order! Ununquadiurr (114)AND Ununhexium (116), wow! Boy, just when you think the periodic table is full, huh? "Nope, no more room for elements here, we're closed for business. Thanks for your interest, we have all the elements we need!" But then you and your team come along and say, "Oh yeah? I don't think so! I'm coming to this party! I think you hear me knocking and I'm coming in with my friends Ununquadirir and Ununhexium! Get me some Buffalo wings!" Yeah!

Sorry these congratulations are so overdue. Your baby elements are now 5 and 7 respectively, right? Wow, do you have any pictures of them from their first day of school? Ha, ha, just kidding! I JUST found out about this! Can you believe it? I mean, if Tom Cruise blows his nose it makes the news and I hear about it. But this I miss...and keep on missing for seven years! Man, can I get on your e-mail list or something? I don't want to miss the next big element! I feel just awful. Is there somewhere I can send a card or some flowers or a nice ice cream cake? Please let me know as soon as possible!

Anyway, I don't want to keep you. I know you're very busy...and probably overdue to discover another element! Congratulations.

-Chris Gummert
Chicago, Illinois
USA

PS- Is there anywhere you'd recommend for the ice cream cake?"

To learn more here's the link to the Joint Institute for Nuclear Research, click here.

And to annoy the director of the JINR, Vladimir Georgievich Kadyshevsky, email him here: kadyshev@jinr.ru
****

For the record, I have yet to hear from anyone at JINR. *SIGH*

Springtime in Paris

2007-03-05T01:25:00.000-06:00

Have you been feeling a little smarter than normal lately? It's like due to The Associated Press' week long ban on reporting about Paris Hilton. The wire service giant decided to run a little experiment because, "...editors just wanted to see what would happen if we didn't cover this media phenomenon, this creature of the Internet gossip age, for a full week. After that, we'd take it day by day. Would anyone care? Would anyone notice? And would that tell us something interesting?"

The answers, across the board, were a resounding "NO." In fact, the only reason anyone knew that the AP had stopped reporting on Paris Hilton was that they read about it in a news story FROM THE ASSOCIATED PRESS! In a still more perplexing feat of journalistic gymnastics the story then went on to recount every minute of Paris' life from the past week. (Selling perfume to Puerto Rico you say? DO TELL!) Fox News, which ran the AP story, even went so far as to add a link to even more stories about Paris Hilton. Say what you will about those compassion deficient bastards at Fox News (Don't mind if I do. AHEM! They eat the hearts of newborn children!) but they knew how badly you've been needing a Paris fix!

What finally broke the Paris news embargo? Paris got ticketed for driving with a suspended license, a bit of information that, by the AP's own admission, is not news. And yet they readily admit to putting out a 300 word story on it. So in one sentence they can deride other news sources for awarding this talentless pile of steaming entitlement her celebrity status and in the next sentence cater to the celebrity junkies who want to pick through the contents of her latest bowel movement. (And by bowel movement I mean "album." She doesn't make the distinction, why should I?)

Well rest assured that our long collective nightmare of informative news gathering is at an end and soon we can settle back into the comforting rhythm of nursing at the tit of celebrity news. The irrelevance WILL be televised!

Don't Sugar Coat It!

2007-02-28T20:33:00.000-06:00

I had my evaluation today. It was overwhelmingly positive. But, you know me: I can only focus on the negative. So I say to the crew member whose criticism of me was that I am "a little tall," I am working on it. Next year I WILL BE SHORTER!

Kelly's Corner: The Weather

2007-02-26T23:57:00.000-06:00

My friend Kelly, who you may remember as our first ever guest blogger, has expanded his journalistic scope a bit...or perhaps it's just a cry for help. No, upon closer inspection it's just a cry for attention. Well, knowing his fragile mental state, I'm happy to oblige. And now, though no one asked for it, I am happy to bring to you another episode in what looks to be a regular feature: Kelly's Corner.

"I don’t know what the weather conditions are like where you all are, but it’s at critical mass here. I thought it was bad enough that I was without cable TV for three hours, but things have gotten worser; we lost our NPR radio signal. Oh, the humanity.

It’s been touch and go these last few hours. Local politicians have requested the governor call up the National Guard, but so far, no go. The governor replied that due to budget restraints the best he can do is to put a call into the Harlem Globetrotters; he said they owe him one ever since they dumped a bucket of confetti on his mistress. But that may not help. The social fabric is starting to unravel at an exponential rate. Well, ok. I’m not good at math, so maybe it’s not actually doubling in on itself, maybe more like, half. Three quarters in the fraternity district of the UNI. And, it has gotten so bad that church leaders are asking looters to steer away from the rich; as an incentive they are offering an emergency 24 hour absolution pass to those who pledge to target only used car salesmen or Unitarians.

It’s gotten to the point that TV news reporters have stopped using the cliché “Pandemonium in the streets” and have upgraded to “Jim, it’s total Chaos out here. Back to you.” The station manager of channel 7 news has threatened that if things don’t improve he is authorizing roving reporters to include the words Bedlam, Hullabaloo, and Cubs Win! Cubs Win! In their newscast.

Crazy times, indeed."

I Got Your Collection Right Here!

2007-02-22T22:57:00.000-06:00

I walk past a small, independent book store everyday when I go to work. It has a bunch of rare and hard to find items in the window that regularly catch my attention. None so much as "Jugs: A Collector's Guide." Which, I'm sure you'll be just as shocked as I was to find out, is not about Wilt Chamberlain.

If I Only Had a Brain

2007-02-19T11:08:00.000-06:00

From the Internet Movie Database news:

"Britney Spears is "on the verge of a nervous breakdown" a tattooist who witnessed her shocking Friday makeover maintains. The singer and mother of two stunned fans and paparazzi photographers when she walked into a hairdressing salon in Los Angeles and asked a stylist to cut all her hair off. When the hairdresser refused, Spears grabbed some clippers, and can be seen in snaps shearing herself bald. The 25-year-old was then followed as she drove to a tattoo parlor and had two images etched; a pair of bright red lips on her wrist and a black, white and pink cross on her lower hip. Tattooist Emily Wynne-Hughes, who was in the shop, now fears the drastic new look is a stark warning of Spears' emotional instability. She says, "After (Britney) left, we said to each other, 'We just saw a huge celebrity on the verge of a nervous breakdown.' She seemed really distraught and disturbed. She was very scatterbrained. It was crazy, very surreal. She's definitely crying out." Unconfirmed press reports claim the singer was later spotted wearing a dark wig at the Cedars Sinai Medical Center in Beverly Hills, where she briefly spoke to staff in a private room."

Dear Ms. Wynne-Hughes,

I realize as a person who works in tattoos that you might not be familiar with Britney's oeuvre, and that's ok. God knows I wish I wasn't familiar with it. I think my world would be a better place if I'd never seen her skanking around in that Catholic schoolgirl outfit. However, the damage is already done and, for better or worse, she is in my consciousness. And while I respect your opinion, I have to tell you that her being "disturbed" and "scatterbrained" is as far from news as the fact that the day follows night. I mean, she married Kevin Federline for Christ's sake! If that wasn't a desperate cry for attention, I don't know what was! So in summation, there is a reason that Condi Rice is hosting the middle east summit and not Brit...and it's not just the haircut!

Sincerely,
Some Jerk

Puppy Love

2007-02-13T11:59:00.000-06:00

Last weekend I went to Decorah, Iowa for the baptism of my step nephew Andrew. Andrew is the little brother of Sierra. Sierra is in LOVE with Andrew. She loves being around him and hugging him and talking about him. And Andrew, for his part, is very quiet. So much so that Sierra noted, "We got a tame one." Not housebroken, but tame. Which is all well and good until she tries to have him neutered.

Guest Writer

2007-02-09T11:36:00.000-06:00

My friend Kelly likes to rant. I know that sounds odd coming from me given the average content of my blog. But my rants go online for the world to ignore. Kelley's are e-mailed out to a handful of friends to ignore. I consider mine publishing, while his are just desperate cries for attention. (Not that mine AREN'T desperate cries for attention...but geez, I gotta make a distinction if for no other reason than my own ego demands it.)

Anyway, Kelly's rants are the usual garden variety annoyances: how come no one writes any good music anymore? (an ongoing diatribe), punk kids stole my clothes from the laundromat (that lasted a few weeks and produced a manifesto), will this rash EVER go away? (The consensus seems to be "No, it won't.") But every so often one of his rants slips through the cracks, transcends his petty grievances and is REALLY funny. Such was the case when I got to my inbox today. Here is his latest e-mail:

'I’m not a lawyer, but wouldn’t the clear-cut definition of a “flight risk” be:

A diaper wearing, BB gun tote’n, love-scorned astro-nut?

“Your honor, if it pleases the court, the state is asking the defendant be remanded, we feel she is a good candidate to skip bail and leave the planet.”

If we can’t extradite a murder suspect from France, how are we supposed to get her back if she goes into orbit?

Plus, if she is in jail, you’ll have to keep an eye on her at all times: she can make a shiv out of duct tape.

Please note I did not cheapen this with the “depends” pun. I’ll leave that to Leno. '

Thank you, Kelly's here all week. Try the veal. Don't forget to tip the wait staff! GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY!

Crabby Patties!

2007-02-07T16:26:00.000-06:00

According to a billboard at by the airport (and when have THEY ever lied to me?) Hooters now has crab legs. Hooters has crabs? Personally, I think they had crabs long before now, but they just never got tested.

Anyway, this reminded me of the first time I ever went to Hooters. I was in college and my roommate at the time, Mike, didn't drink anything with caffeine. So when he ordered his meal, he got milk...and free refills. Mike assured me that most restaurants do NOT have free refills on milk as it is a more precious commodity than soda. I figured then that the milk must have been fresh squeezed.

Which begs the question, is it all you can eat crab legs? You might wanna stick to the chicken wings.

Overheard in Iowa

2007-02-05T22:25:00.000-06:00

Direct quotes from an ENORMOUS fat man in Decorah, Iowa:

"I ain't afraid of no beer!"

Really? Looks like you're also not too proud to chase them down with a few fried chickens either.

"I can't eat too much or else I'll fall asleep while I'm driving."

First of all, yes you CAN eat too much. I think the tension on that poor belt is a testament to that. And secondly, I think a more pressing concern for you is falling asleep in a bowl of gravy without a life preserver.

God Is Calling Me Home

2007-02-03T17:06:00.000-06:00

Signs I've seen since being back in Iowa:

"Honk if you loved Jesus" -Billboard

"Smile, your mom chose life." -Billboard

"Smart people know the bible." -Billboard

"Catholic schools put the good news back in education." -Table tent at various restaurants

And my personal favorite:

"The only judgement day: father God, not mother earth."

Now if you'll excuse me I need to prepare for my bible study and cross burning!

Procrastination is a Powerful Deceiver

2007-01-30T23:46:00.000-06:00

Tonight, while putting off writing my one man show, I watched Monster In A Box, Spaulding Gray's one man show about putting off writing a book. The irony was not lost on me.

Checkered Driving Record

2007-01-28T00:47:00.000-06:00

I saw a cab driver pulled over by a cop today.

Think about that.

You know how horribly cab drivers drive normally? Well, they get away with that particular brand of arrogant disregard for public safety. So how much more terrifyingly awful do they have to be before the cops notice? What did this clown do to separate himself from the pack? Unless he ran over a cop and used his corpse for an antenna cover I don't see the boys in blue taking notice. Even if he did use a cop corpse as an antenna cozy I think the worst he'd get is a written warning.

No, SHIRT! No, SHOES!

2007-01-25T20:06:00.000-06:00

I was walking to the train the route I always take. I turned right onto Troy Street headed toward Wilson Avenue. I had my iPod on and wasn't paying that much attention to my surroundings until I saw something our of the corner of my eye. (I would have used my whole eye, but between the ice and the dog crap I could only spare the corner.) I saw some motion and turned to pay it a little more attention. (Not my full attention because of the aforementioned ice and dog crap.)

I didn't see everything, but here is what I deduced had happened on the front porch of the house I was passing: The little old guy takes a quick look out the window and doesn't see anyone, he makes a mad dash outside (it's 16 degrees Fahrenheit here), sees me, gets spooked, grabs his paper and runs back inside as fast as his little old man legs will carry him.

This is however, just a deduction. I'm not certain of what happened because I only became aware of the old man's presence as he was headed back to the house with his paper. And I only remember that because he was not wearing shoes to go out and get the paper. In fairness, it would have looked kind of silly if he was wearing his shoes considering the fact that he had no pants on. But having no pants on was ok too because he was just wearing that little under shirt and pants would have made him feel naked from the waist up. No, better to go out in just your undershirt and underwear to grab the paper.

For those of you who were interested (and I don't even want to know who that might be) they were tighty whiteys...although they were neither tight nor particularly white anymore.

No Spoilers!

2007-01-23T21:34:00.000-06:00

I'm taping the State of the Union address right now so please don't tell me how it ends. I wanna be surprised to find out which country we're going to war with next. I got my eye on you Venezuela!

Pharoah, Let My Sperm GO!

2007-01-19T11:30:00.000-06:00

Just a point of clarification for my family: leave my sperm alone. There. It's public record now. I consider this to be legally binding.

I didn't think you did, but apparently you have to make such announcements just in case you die and your parents want to extract your sperm before they bury you. It happened to a soldier in Israel.

The article never makes this abundantly clear but it appears he had the sperm stored (in a hospital, not in like a jug under his bed) before he died. Then when he died the family sued the hospital to get them to release it to them. The hospital was all like, "No. You're not a spouse." And the parents countered with, "Oh, you're one of those uptight hospitals, huh? I find that HOT!" And the hospital starts playing all hard to get and won't release it's sperm. So the parents buy the hospital a few drinks and now they're partying like rock stars. But the hospital is such a square that even a liter of Jack Daniels finest argument settler won't break its resolve. "Not unless you're married!" the hospital exclaims. And the parents counter with, "Wanna see a three way with our lawyer?" And the hospital gets really hot and bothered and reluctantly, but forcibly releases it's sperm...all over the couple and their lawyer. (Careful not to get any in your eye.)

But here's the weird part(yeah, it was NORMAL up to now): The parents went on TV to request that women contact them if they wanted to be impregnated with their son's sperm. The parents are pimping their son on national TV. And you just know that these are the type of parents who had a 10pm curfew for the kid growing up and wouldn't let him date until he was 18. Even then no one was good enough for mom.

"Why can't you find a nice girl to settle down with," mom would ask? "I could find you a better girl! I know lots of fine upstanding young women, why won't you let me help you?" And so she does. On national TV. And 200 women respond. Two hundred women see a mother on TV with her dead son's sperm and think, "I want to be a part of THIS family!"

I think dying may have just been an excuse to get away from his parents.

Quote of The Day

2007-01-12T19:51:00.000-06:00

"We have row R seats 201 and 202. Those are bar stool seats."

"Oh, that will never do. My daughter has an inoperable brain tumor."

Tube Scarf Boogie

2007-01-09T10:22:00.000-06:00

Jen and I didn't leave the house yesterday and we got so punchy that we decided that, not only was it a good idea to spend a lot of time with her scarf but that we would take pictures with it as well. All you need to know for this to make "sense" (in the loosest general sense of the term) is that this scarf is also a tube. Enjoy.

The Better Part of Valor

2007-01-07T01:35:00.000-06:00

Loud woman talking loudly on her loud cell phone in an otherwise quiet Linens N' Things yesterday: "They ain't discreet about your shit. (*pause*) I SAID THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS AIN'T DISCREET WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR SHIT."

A Weighty Situation

2007-01-03T10:47:00.000-06:00

The other day I was at the gym and I decided to weigh myself. We don't have a scale at home so I only have a rough idea of what I weigh. Weighing myself is not normally something I do in public, but I decided that I needed to know the damage and I'll tell you why: that damned treadmill is nosy. When you get on the tread mill it asks you your age and weight. That irritated me when I first started going there. I mean, I fully expected it to start talking about politics and religion next. But I guess it needs the information to decide how much strain it can put on old fat people. Anyway, when I weighed myself the other day I realized that I had been under-reporting my weight to the treadmill by a full 7 pounds. I account for this error by telling myself that muscle weighs more than fat and since going to the gym I had now gained seven pounds pure muscle. (This is one of several lies my world is based around, like: this train is perfectly hygienic, dry cleaning is possible and cats DON'T want my eyes.) But now I feel bad because I lied to the treadmill.

Know Your Concourse, Know Your Gate

2007-01-02T10:07:00.000-06:00

According to a Fox News story United Airlines employees at O'Hare International Airport (one of TWO airports here in Chicago. Midway is the other one...and it seems to me there was a third one by the lake at one time too, but it's closed down now.) claim to have seen a UFO.

"'Our theory on this is that it was a weather phenomenon,' (Federal Aviation Administration Representative Elizabeth)Cory said. 'That night was a perfect atmospheric condition in terms of low (cloud) ceiling and a lot of airport lights. When the lights shine up into the clouds, sometimes you can see funny things.'The FAA is not investigating, Cory said."

Thank God the FAA isn't investigating. I think it's time to institute random drug testing at United Airlines. This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. Everyone knows that the UFOs land at Midway!

Welcome Back, Your Dreams Were You Ticket Out...

2007-01-01T16:10:00.000-06:00

I've been on holiday hiatus and I've been watching a lot of TV. Of particular note is this game show on the Discovery Channel called Cash Cab. The gist of the show is this: people in New York get into a cab and unexpectedly find themselves in a game show hosted by the driver. They have until they reach their destination to amass as much cash as possible, but if they get 3 answers wrong then they are booted out of the cab wherever they are.

I was watching this the other day with Jen and two young, obviously gay men get into the cab and ask to be taken to the ESPN Zone. Which is why I laughed at them later when they missed a question about Roger Maris even after calling one of their fathers. Little did I know that foible would be child's play compared to their answer to this question: "Named after the peak year of the California gold rush, gold miners were known as what?"

They put their heads together and eventually came up with the correct answer which is the 49ers. (Which is also where the San Francisco football team gets their name.) But they needed to talk it out first and get the brains firing on all eight cylinders. After much hemming and hawing one of them gets a notion and screams out, "Ohhhhh, the 69ers."

Clearly they were thinking of the famous San Fransiscan sailors who, 20 years later, would invent oral sex.

World Premiere Movie

2006-12-20T11:25:00.000-06:00

Back in September The Discovery Channel started airing commercials for a contest they were holding. They asked people to make parodies of their programs. The winners would be posted on their web site and be seen on a special airing in December. They would also win $500.

I like the Discovery Channel almost as much as I like $500, so I entered with a spoof of American Chopper. Well I haven't heard anymore about the spoof special and last week they announced that American Chopper was moving to TLC. Long story short: my $500 ain't coming. Since the television viewing public has been robbed of my genius I have decided to air it here, on the info-nets! If it's good enough for the exploding whale it's good enough for me!

So here, for the first time anywhere, is: A Very Special American Chopper!

*Note to Subscribers: I will be sending a link to the video shortly*

Fun With Typos

2006-12-15T06:40:00.000-06:00

This is an actual story that was on Fox News this morning. There has been no doctoring of these photos. These are screen captures from my computer taken at around 6:30 this morning. I took the screen captures because I don't know how long the story will stay up in its current form. What story?

'Law & Order: SUV' May Be Over Soon

You all remember the hit TV series Law & Order, right? Well it was so popular that it spawned a spin off that I always thought was called Law & Order: SVU, or Special Victims Unit. But now, only after it's too late, do I learn that it was really named for the ubiquitous Sport Utility Vehicles that figured so heavily in numerous plot lines.

Who can forget the riveting story of a Manhattan brother and sister who conspired to pull the spark plug on their Hummer for the insurance money? Or the Escalade that was found dead by the side of the road and it turned out that his wife had been sleeping with a Rav4 with ties to the mafia? Or the story of the sniper who wait by the interstate picking off poor defenseless Lincoln Navigators? Timeless.

Rest in peace Law & Order: SUV. We hardly knew you.

EDIT: It is now 7:21 and the story's headline has been corrected, but the headline on my Google homepage is still wrong.

TransAmerican Bambi

2006-12-14T11:18:00.000-06:00

From Fox News, who is trying to appeal to the NASCAR demographic just a bit too much it seems, come this sensationalistic, knock-the-beer-out-of-your-over-sized-novelty-hat story entitled: Man Runs Over, Eats Seven Legged Transgendered Deer.

Apparently the Wisconsin deer not only had extra (and under developed, crab-like pincer legs) but it also had both male and female parts.

'"It was definitely a freak of nature," (Rick) Lisko said. "I guess it's a real rarity."

What you have to appreciate is Rick's subtlety. In one breath he's screaming about a freak of nature and calling the mob villagers to their pitch forks and torches, and in the next breath he becomes wistful for the halcyon days when freaks of nature ran free and unfettered through the trailer park noshing on discarded Playboys and crapping bottle tops. Ahhhh, Freak of nature we hardly knew ya!

But just how did the deer die?

"He (Lisko) said he slowed down as the buck and two does ran across the driveway Nov. 22, but the buck ran under the truck and got hit."

He ran under the truck? A deer ran UNDER the truck? Was he also a miniature, hobbit-sized deer or is somebody desperately trying to wriggle out of another DUI arrest? I assume that Fox is betting the people reading this story are too stupid to pose that question. Not just because the average Fox News reader also believes that the US is losing in Iraq because there are gays in the military. No, I say that because of the link that they inserted into the next sentence.

"'Bilgo (The DNR Representative) took photos and sent information on the animal to DNR wildlife managers.'"

I, as someone who has spent the better part of the last 12 years glued to the Internet, assumed that the link would take you to photos that the DNR had posted of this unique specimen. I thought it was a little weird that FOX hadn't included them in the original story, but I assumed there was some kind of copyright problem. But when I clicked on the link it took me to an ask.com page listing various photo hosting/printing services. Here's a little tip for Fox News, if the target audience of your writing needs to have digital photography and Internet hosting explained to them then you probably don't need to go ahead and post the story on your web site.

Press Release: Local Writer Declares Intent

2006-12-12T13:58:00.000-06:00

Ok, I know my postings have been VERY infrequent as of late and I feel like I owe my regular readers (both of you!) an explanation.

Before we begin, does everyone remember this video:

Well, I was so smitten with it I decided to do a little research into it. The more I looked into this story the funnier it became to me. I was retelling the story to everyone I knew and they were all just as baffled and amused by it as I was. So in the past few weeks, I have been hard at work doing research about the exploding whale and related mysteries. (Yes mom, THIS is what I'm doing with my college degree!) I've read a couple of great books (this one and this one) and hit the jackpot for exploding whale information at the aptly named Exploding Whale website. I have also lined up several interviews with key players in the story.

Why am I doing this you ask? (Again, I'm looking at YOU mom!) Because I believe that this would be the PERFECT one man show! And why am I telling you that? Probably out of spite. (That was just for mom too...hmmmm. Maybe that spite sentence should have been parenthetical too? Or at least said in the confines of my therapists office. The world may never know.) No. The reason I am telling you this is so that I will actually follow through on it.

See, for those of you who don't know me well...congratulations. I'm sure your lives are richer for it. But then you do not know of my storied procrastination. I feel that the best time to do anything is tomorrow, or possibly the day after if it can be put off even longer. I hate deadlines. When I worked at the Boone News Republican (All the news and STOCK CAR RACE WINNERS TOO!) I would purposely put off writing the magistrate listing until the morning they were due just to make the editor nuts. It's pathological. In fact the only reason this blog post is so long is because I'm actively trying to get out of doing laundry.

Anyway, I only tell you this so that I have got something in writing that I can be held accountable to. Don't let me down people! Let the nagging begin!

Everybody! Everybody!

2006-12-12T12:08:00.000-06:00

You know what makes life livable? This guy.

The Cotton Anniversary?

2006-12-06T13:01:00.000-06:00

Tuesday was our second wedding anniversary and I couldn't be more proud. Because now we have lasted longer than BOTH of Britany Spears' marriages COMBINED!

I did a little research on the traditional gift for the 2nd anniversary and it turns out to be cotton. So I bought Jen a plantation.

Do They Get Irony Where You're From?

2006-12-04T01:23:00.000-06:00

Does anyone out there watch The Girls Next Door? For the uninitiated this is a "reality" show that follows Hugh Hefner's three girlfriends around the Playboy Mansion as they have naked pillow fights and swim laps in soft-focus, slow motion. It makes Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader: Making the Team looking like The Waltons. It's basically porn for people who don't want to pay for the cable upgrade.

Here's a sample of the snappy dialogue you'll find on The Girls Next Door. This is from an episode that takes place during preparations for Hugh's 80th birthday party. This is a quote from one of Hef's THREE girlfriends (Holly Madison) speaking about the movie Casablanca: "I like the movie, but I don't like the love story. I mean, come on. The girl is in love with TWO people? That's not very believable. You either love someone or you don't."

Yeah "greatest love story of all time", get you act together! A Playboy centerfold is holding court on what love means! (My guess is that it means making oatmeal, ordering Viagra by the truckload and screwing your way into the old man's will.)

In her defense, I think her confusion centers around the fact that there are only TWO people that Ilsa loves. If they could have had a foursome with Claude Rains then the whole thing would have made sense.

Noun: Person, Place or THING with the THING

2006-12-02T11:35:00.000-06:00

Actual conversation with a woman on the phone who was trying to buy tickets:

ME- We have row H seats 7 and 8.

HER- Ok, well I'm on your website right now and I...do you have...uh...where can I find...the thing that...shows the ...thing?

ME- (stunned silence over her complete mastery of the English language*) You mean a map?

HER- YEAH, that's it!

*I know what you're thinking, but you're wrong English WAS her first language!

News Round-Up, December 1, 2006

2006-12-01T10:08:00.000-06:00

All is not right in the land of the House that Mouse built. The top three headlines from the Orlando Sentinel:
SeaWorld to Investigate Whale Attack
Teen is Killed When SUV Strikes Bicycle
Girl Killed After ATV Collides With Cow

The ATV story is especially perplexing because the police intend to not only investigate the crash but to actually reenact it as well. That is going to confuse the hell out of that cow.

****
Scientists Identify Part of Hummingbirds Tiny Bird Brain That Helps it Hover, Science Daily.

Tiny bird brain? Was that really necessary? That's just petty. You know what that says to me about the author of that story? Jealous, jealous, jealous! I'm sure he's at some geek bar somewhere drowning his sorrows and screaming to people who are in line for the bathroom, "Yeah? Well if that hummingbird's so damned smart then let's see him write a story for the Science Daily!"

****
Harry Shearer has a new book out right now and he is flogging it in every possible venue. And I mean EVERY venue. At least that's what I took away from his interview with Psychology Today.

Harry Shearer Not Just Entertainment

That was the title that appeared on my homepage RSS reader, Not Just Entertainment. But after reading the article it a more appropriate title would have been Not Even Entertainment.

****
And from the "News Frat Boys Can Use" file ABC News brings us: Condoms Can Be Fun, Too.

A study in the UK journal The Lancet has found that promotion of the fun and sexual aspects of condom usage is more effective in getting people to use condoms. More effective than the previous campaigns that featured such slogans as "Every Time You Have Unprotected Sex God Kills a Puppy," "Use It Or Your Penis Will Fall Off," and "As Long as You're Whoring, Be Safe!"

****
According to the New Zealand Herald, looking like a trend-following troglodyte is not the biggest problem with tattoos anymore.

Man Contracts Flesh Eating Disease From a Tattoo

This is my favorite line from the whole article: "Dr (Margot) McLean says officials will work with the tattooist to improve his standards of infection control." In the interest of repeat business the tattoo artist believes it to be beneficial that his clients continue to have skin.

****
Can't Remember What You Just Read? Take a Nap...from ohhhh...some dumb magazine of other. I can't remember.

I need a nap.

Tabloid Tailspin

2006-11-29T11:53:00.000-06:00

Fox News has lost it's freakin' mind. Here are the top three stories on Fox News as of 11:54 a.m. :

Cops: Man Paints Goats, Leaves Porn to Harass NY Neighbor
Report: The Wiggles' Lead Singer May Quit Due to Illness
Britney Spears, Out With Paris Hilton, Flashes Nether Region

I never thought I'd live to see the day when Britney Spears' snatch would take precedence over the War on Christmas, War on Terror and War on Common Sense that rages over at Fox News. The Democrats run the House and the Senate so I find it VERY hard to believe that there isn't some preemptive bitching that could be done about them driving us all toward a catastrophic end and a premature rapture.

Although I will give them credit for getting the terms "Goat," "Wiggles," and Britney Spear's "Nether Regions" altogether on a "news" site.

Law & Order, Pakistan Precinct 12

2006-11-20T00:05:00.000-06:00

I love dumb headlines. Crave them. Seek them like Paris Hilton seeks attention. So imagine my joy when I stumbled up on this: "Death Row Man Glad to be Home." Really? Glad to be home? You don't miss the friendly confines of an Pakistani prison? (In a related note, do all of their prisoners convert to Christianity the way ours convert to Islam?)

Unfortunately the BBC story isn't very illustrative. So I looked up the same story on CNN. Here's the skinny as I understand it. The accused, Mirza Tahir Hussain, travelled to Pakistan to visit relatives. On the day he arrived he was picked up by a cab. (In Arab countries are all the cab drivers guys with unpronounceably foreign names like Jim and Huey?) The cab driver attempted to sexually assault Mr. Hussain and in the ensuing struggle the cab driver kinda got sorta a little bit dead.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I say let he among us who has not thought of killing a cab driver cast the first stone. (I'm no scholar of Islamic law, but if Sunday school has taught me nothing (and I'm almost certain it hasn't) it's that stoning people is the most common way of settling disputes in the middle east. That and preemptive military strikes. ) By killing his assailant Mr. Hussain was living the dream of every conventioneer who's ever paid $50 to be driven across the street only to find out that the Chili's has been closed down for the minor health code violation of finding a finger in the deep frier. (The number two way of settling disputes in the Middle East.)

When the altercation was over Hussain climbed into the front of the cab and drove himself and the dead cabbie to the police station. Just to get the full effect he drove at ludicrous speeds and took the most circuitous route imaginable. When he arrived at the police station he was so furious with the driver's service that he only tipped himself 4%.

He was promptly arrested. The Pakistani police must have been so thrilled that the means, motive and opportunity walked right into the station and left a car full of evidence waiting for them out in the parking lot. This saved them all the time they would have wasted doing all that messy police work themselves.

Hussain was sentenced to death. His sentence was later commuted to life in prison. And then, in a bizarre loophole of Pakistani law, he was set free with time served. It seems that Hussain had, at that point, already been in jail for over 14 years and the Pakistani law defines a life sentence as 14 years. It's never fully explained why life is only 14 years, but I suspect it has something to do with living between the nuclear armed Indians and the Taliban.

Upon his landing back in Britain, Hussain said, "My thoughts remain with all the prisoners I have left behind." Apparently he'd made a lot of "friends" on the inside. And that, in the end, is the bitter irony. He went to jail because he was trying to avoid being sodomized. But perhaps that is REALLY the way the Islamic punishment is meted out: one shower at a time.

Wow...Just, uhhhhh...WOW!

2006-11-19T00:22:00.000-06:00

I had originally conceived of a blog post about this, but it is really it's own research project. More on this later, I promise you!

Post No Bills...or Berthas

2006-11-17T11:37:00.000-06:00

I was at a concert last night and I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize. Under normal circumstances this wouldn't bother me, but I missed work a month or so ago because I read the schedule wrong. They tried to call me from work, but I ignored the call because I didn't recognize the number. So now every time I get a call on my cell from a number I don't know I immediately start to think I've missed work and that I'm going to be fired. You see, being fired is one of the few things I'm good at. So good in fact that I did it from two consecutive jobs in totally different fields for...well...for much the same reasons. Work Force Development called it gross negligence, I called it raging against the machine!

Anyway, I say all of that to say this, I let the call go into voice mail and then I left to go listen to it immediately. Turns out it was a satisfied, yet concerned reader. A reader who wishes to remain nameless so for our purposes we'll call her Bertha. Why Bertha? Why not? How about for no other reason than it's a good, all-purpose comedy powerhouse? The workhorse of the humor names: BERTHA!

Bertha called me because she had recently been the subject of one of my blog entries and she was worried about the adverse effect it might have on her relationship. She wanted me to consider taking the post down.

The phone call started out like this,"I just read your blog and I laughed my ass off!" Good opener. No, GREAT opener. For those of you taking note at home (as I assume everyone does), appealing to my vanity is always a good option. However there are pitfalls. Tell me I'm funny and you will have my trust. Tell me I'm handsome and you have my suspicions. Bottom line, don't spread it on too thick. I'm vain, not stupid.

But Bertha (I laugh just thinking about that name!) played it just right. She then went on to say that she worried that the blog entry might damage her relationship with the person I wrote about. This was also a stellar move because it pre-supposes 2 important conceits: 1) my little web site is highly trafficked enough that the other half of her relationship would eventually fall prey to my clever marketing and rapier wit, and 2) I have the power, using nothing more than my intellect and my wordsmithery (if it ain't a word it should be!), to do permanent harm to her relationship. This appeals to the budding megalomaniac in me.

Then Bertha (if you're not on the floor laughing at that name by now you have no soul!) went in for the kill and asked me to take down the blog post. Now, I worked at a newspaper, so I know what it's like to be edited by people who don't know or appreciate your work. Given half a chance I would tell the editor to go to hell and not bring any sunscreen. (Oddly enough THAT wasn't one of the jobs I was fired from.) But Bertha played me like a friendless 14 year old plays World of Warcraft. I had no choice but to succumb to her pleas. And frankly, if she's that good on ME who she's only known for a few months, I don't know why she's worried about her other relationships.

Movie Madness, Hobbitfest Edition

2006-11-13T12:35:00.000-06:00

As some of you may remember, I am keeping track of all the movies I see in a year. (158 at last count) Well, yesterday my friend Tyler and I did something we've been talking about for over a year: we watched all three Lord of The Rings movies in ONE sitting. Eleven hours of hobbits, heroism and leg cramps.

This isn't the first time done something like this. The night before Tim Burton released his Planet of the Apes remake my friend Mike and I rented all five original Planet of the Apes movies and watched them in one sitting. A feat we were able to accomplish because Mike's wife was out of town and my girlfriend at the time was busy working...at least that's what she said. Whatever. If she didn't want to participate in MONKEY MADNESS (Yes, that's actually what we called it!) that was her loss. Come to think of it we didn't have any women on board for the Hobbitfest either. (YES we called it that! We'd already committed to watching all three Rings movies, I don't think we sink any lower on the food chain by having a snappy title!)

That's not entirely true. Tyler's girlfriend was there for a portion of the Two Towers. She stayed just long enough to point out that the eye of Sauron looked a lot like a vagina and then she left. That totally ruined the end of the movie where Frodo stands on the end of that long phallic rock outcropping and drops the ring into the lava below causing the lava to rise and spray violently out of mount doom and ending the reign of the evil vagina. It's a weird mixture of Ansel Adams and Larry Flynt.

By the way, I think all of the unpleasantness of middle earth could have been avoided if they had just called Mount Doom something a little more inviting like Mount Sweetie or Kitty Cat Mountain or Candy Colored Rainbow of Mountainy Goodness. Problem solved.

Hmmmm...upon closer inspection I think I'm starting to see why women don't go in for these shenanigans.

Animal Planet

2006-11-09T10:57:00.000-06:00

"That reminds me of the time my cousin got bit by my pirhana."

Not words you hear at YOUR work place? That's because you don't work with Mr. James Smith! What made this story even better was that it came on the heels of my friend Ryan telling a story about cutting his hand peeling potatoes and my story about cutting my finger while making a cross section of a potato for a botany class. So you can see how pirhanas spring immediately to mind.

The long and the short of the story are pretty simple. When James was a kid his cousin asked if the fish would bite him. James thought that was a stupid question so he answered with a sarcastic, "No, they won't bite you." The rest is fish food.

Now, that story in and of itself is amusing, but it also follows a pattern for James life.

About three years ago he was in a drive through wildlife park in Sandusky, Ohio with his cousins. At the park they give you buckets of carrots to feed to the animals. (Although I like to think of James just carrying buckets of food with him wherever he goes. A bucket of carrots, 5 gallons of mashed potatoes, a 55 gallon drum of ribs, a palette of hot sauce...and if you've ever seen him eat it doesn't sound that far fetched.)

Now there was a brilliant wildebeest who was stalking the car the whole time. The wildebeest, we'll call him Louis, had his one carrot but he could not be sated. Louis kept after the car. "More carrots, " he pleaded. This made James angry and he refused to feed the "Greedy mofo." (I attempted to explain to him that the wildebeest was not greedy, just smart...and an animal, but James persisted in believing that it was a personal attack.) So Louis stalked the car like a ninja and when the moment was right he stole the entire bucket of carrots. James needed to be physically restrained from chasing Louis. No one, including James, is quite sure what he was going to do with Louis if he caught him but you can rest assured that nature would be taught a lesson.

Just like that damned dolphin who had the audacity to splash him when James was 11. After the show James went up to the pool and slapped the top of the water to call the dolphin over to him just like the trainers do when they feed the dolphins. So the dolphin is expecting to be fed. He surfaces by James unaware of the animal rage coursing through the man tapping the water. James punched the dolphin.

The Problem With America In A Nutshell

2006-11-07T16:08:00.000-06:00

I went to Fox News to read a story about an Al Queda warning about an attack in Yemen and before I even read a word of it I clicked on a banner headline about Britney Spears filing for divorce.

The Queen Is My Shepherd, I Shall Not Wear White After Labor Day

2006-11-07T11:33:00.000-06:00

According to an article in gay.com "scientists" at Oregon State University at working to turn gay sheep straight.

I'm gonna give that sentence a moment or two to sink in. Gay sheep, turned straight. University of Oregon. Research. Working. "Scientists." Ok? Let's continue.

Gay sheep. Before you begin any serious discussion about gay sheep (if there can in fact BE a serious conversation about the sexual preference of domesticated animals) you must first ask yourself, "How do you know the sheep are gay?" If I was forced to guess I would have to say that perhaps the gay sheep spend an unhealthy amount of time in a fraternity, but that is hardly scientific. Who had the unenviable job of sorting through the herd of sheep and determining which of the rams like to be rammed? Presumably lonely, socially awkward farm kids. In which case, didn't the sheep really just have gay thrust upon him...so to speak?

But in order for the issue to move any farther I suppose we need to conceed the point that gay sheep do exist and that that is where fabulous sweaters come from. Ok, point taken. But then the question becomes, how does one make a gay sheep straight? I'll let the gay.com article handle that explanation.

"According to the animal rights group PETA, Oregon Health and Science University experimenter Charles Roselli is medicating sheep to prevent the actions of hormones in their fetal brains. Roselli is also dissecting the brains of "male-oriented" (homosexual) rams in order to find the hormonal mechanisms behind homosexual tendencies . Once found, he hopes to change them."

Ahhhh, well, there you have it. Find out and change it. Uh-huh. There couldn't be more straight forward a scientific practice than that. Find it and change it. Perfectly clear. In fairness he's not saying that he WILL change it, only that he HOPES to change it. This seems to fall under the Bush Administration's Office of Faith-Based Science.

And what possible good could come from this tax-supported science, you ask? "According to the grant applications, the experimenters plan to extrapolate the test results to humans -- with the insidious implication that homosexuality in people can be 'cured.'"

For those of you who are keeping score of the science initiatives the Bush Administration will fund that's a NO on curing diseases with stem cell research and a YES to curing homosexuality.

...And Sometimes Y

2006-11-06T07:24:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I was reading a random blog about a 50th anniversary party. The author made reference to the couple renewing their wedding vowels. I thought this was odd but I figured to was just a typo and read on. Then it happened again...three more times: wedding vowels. By now I figure they mean to call them wedding vowels. But this poses the obvious questions, "Which ones ARE the wedding vowels?" Do you include the letter Y? How do you decide if this is one of the times? Seems pretty important, there's a marriage of 50 years on the line! This is something Strunk and White are not equipped to handle.

EPILOGUE
The blog about wedding vowels has been edited since I read it yesterday. Turns out the author posted it late at night under the influence of sinus medication. Still, why can't Y make up it's mind? Get off the fence. You're a vowel or you're not.

News Round Up

2006-11-05T11:49:00.000-06:00

Headline from New Zealand Herald, National News: Most Inmates Do Nothing In Jail.

Contradicting headline from Gay.com: Philly Mulls More Condoms in Prison.

Clearly these clever convicts are finding SOMETHING (or someONE) to do.

****
According to the Science Daily, researcher Roger Angel at the University of Arizona has come up with a solution to global warming and I for one am shocked. Mostly because I didn't know there was any actual academics going on at the University of Arizona. The University of Arizona is routinely ranked in Playboy's list of top party schools, and I think Angel's proposed solution to global warming is evidence of that. He's suggesting that we place what is essentially a giant parasol over the world to protect it from the harmful effects of the sun. I'm guessing this replaces his original theory of replacing the ozone with SPF 15 sunscreen. And even that built off of his earlier "stay inside" research.

****
Discovery Channel News: Lifespan Longer in Low Body-Temp Mice.

Question: Why are we trying to prolong the life of mice anyway? Am I the only one who remembers the good old days when all we did to mice was give them cancer?

Reluctant Explorations

2006-11-04T10:26:00.000-06:00

The Chicago Transit Authority is renovating the Brown Line and that means building new stations. Mine is currently closed and I am taking the next one over. This has caused me to venture into new, more commercial areas of my new neighborhood instead of the strictly residential path I took to my old station.

On my old path I walked past stately mansions, quaint bungalows and the kind of aggressively friendly people the make the neighborhood watch entirely unnecessary. My new path is decidedly more urban and a lot more fun from a "stuff to blog about" point of view.

I passed an H and R Block office that had a neon sign in the window advertising their "bookeeping" services. I know this is wrong because bookkeeping is the only word in the English language to feature three consecutive sets of double letters. (If you ever win money with that information, I want half!) My wife suggested to me that they actually have a boo-keeping service. I'm not entirely sure what that is, but I imagine the demand for it drops off sharply after Halloween.

There is an antique mover that I pass everyday. I know what they mean, but I prefer to think that when they go off to a job a bunch of mummies pile out of the building and trot to the truck. I don't know why but the thought of them moving a pull-out couch to the top of a two flat amuses me.

I also pass a rather large and remarkable well-lit liquor store. The other day when I was walking to the train I noticed that, on the counter right next to the cash register, they had condoms. The implication being that in order to use one you have to apply the other. I'm sure if you ask nicely the kindly old Arab gentleman behind the counter will even show you how to put on the condom using a thin bottle of pinot grigio. Just be careful popping the cork.

But I'm Big In Japan!

2006-10-30T23:58:00.000-06:00

Apparently I'm not well loved in Canada.

Does anyone remember the carefree days when I posted this video parody of a trilogy of movies that was largely ignored by mainstream film goers?

It is based on the Qaatsi Trilogy of movies by Godfrey Reggio. The movies are loosely labeled as documentaries with incredibly broad topics like War or Technology or Wasting My Time or Phillip Glass Needs A Paycheck. (We've HEARD that chord already...for like 10 minutes? What else you got? Oh, an arpeggio? Shocking! Didn't see that coming!) The movies have no conventional narrative but rely on images shown repeatedly in different speeds to make their point. And what is the point? Well, let me ask my Canadian friend Mr. Jiggjoepanto...if that is his real name...and I PRAY that it is! "The Qatsi films clearly show how North American culture destroys other cultures, and rapes the planet daily. It's well past time to take our heads out of our asses about this."

Clearly he is quite passionate about these films and the "issues " they supposedly raise. However, I was a little late in arriving at his opinion because he started out his letter by announcing that, "There are many humorous homages to Reggio/Glass on YouTube that are well done. Yours is pathetic garbage." How do you argue with that? You cannot refute such a strongly reasoned treatise and it is mere folly to do so. (Clearly those years on the debate team are now paying off huge dividends!) I bow to your superior intellect and simply read on.

"Each of us has the power right now to make positive change, yet you waste your gift making crap like this. Snap out of it."

I guess there is a compliment in there somewhere. He supposes that I have gifts to waste and am not simply a bored Netfilx subscriber with a camera desperately trying to make some artistic use of the 6 wasted hours I spent on the trilogy. That's something I suppose.

I'm not mad at him for his opinion. I agree that America is an overbearing, short-sighted, monolithic man-child of a nation, and that we are continually raping and pillaging at a rate that would do the Vikings proud. I'm not even mad at him for liking the Qaatsi Trilogy. He liked it, I didn't. There is nothing I can do to change that opinion in a movie that runs minute and a half.

No, what burns me about Mr. Pants (or Jiggy Dawg as the people who have been berated by him like to refer to him) is that he lashed out so vitriolically about a movie posted on a FREE site. Even if you hated it, at least it was FREE AND NOT SIX HOURS LONG! He was out nothing but his time...90 seconds. And apparently he was going to use that time for something much more important. So I feel like I owe it to the world to apologize to the world for tying up the valuable time of Jiggyjoe. I'm sorry. I'd hate for it to be found out that we were deprived of a cure for cancer because I had to shoot my mouth off about a pretentious piece of cinematic tripe.

Meet Me In Saint Louie...Uhhh...Nevermind

2006-10-30T00:53:00.000-06:00

You know why the St. Louis Cardinals are so damned tough? Because St. Louis was just ranked the most dangerous city in the US. Yeah, where's the threat in being hit by a pitch when you're going toe to toe with death just getting to work everyday?!

Eats, Shoots Up and Leaves

2006-10-25T15:04:00.000-05:00

Oh the power of poor punctuation: 7-11 Pulls Energy Drink Over Name, Cocaine.

The People In Your Neighborhood

2006-10-24T11:35:00.000-05:00

I was driving through Gary, Indiana yesterday when I noticed something weird...something other than the fact that people live in Gary, Indiana. The Gary Police Department has improved upon previous policing methods by allowing the public to do their job for them. Along the interstate there is a sign for a wanted criminal replete with picture and physical description. I'd like to have been at that City Council meeting. "Why don't we try Craigslist? It worked really well for that couch we were trying to get rid of at city hall."

Let's hope the Gary Fire Department doesn't take the same Do It Yourself approach to their job.

(I don't know how long the web site will reflect this, but when I posted this the Gary Police Department link was to a page that was "currently under construction." Apparently they can't be bothered to finish their own website either. I'm sure it's just a matter of time before THAT job is listed on a billboard too.)

Synchronicity

2006-10-23T00:22:00.000-05:00

Clearly Alberto Fernandez needs to be in the loop a little more.

Fernandez, a senior State Department official, was quoted by CNN's web site as saying, '"History will decide what role the United States played," he said in Arabic, based on CNN translations. "And, God willing, we tried to do our best in Iraq. "But I think there is a big possibility (inaudible) for extreme criticism and because undoubtedly there was arrogance and stupidity from the United States in Iraq."'

To make matters worse, he said that on Al Jazeera... the Fox News of the Middle East.

Obviously he hadn't heard that President Bush had, only days before, convened a meeting with high level authorities on Iraq and released this statement: "I've had an uplifting and heartwarming conversation with fellow citizens of all ages from across our country who are supporting our troops. These folks don't really care about politics; what they care about is how best to send a strong message to the men and women who wear our uniform that America supports them."

That press release carried the revealing title of "President Bush Meets With Organizations That Support The United States Military in Iraq and Afghanistan." As opposed to those Algonquin Round Table salons he's used to holding with the the great minds of the day. (Henry Kissinger, I'm looking at YOU!)

So I guess that it is no surprise that today Fernendez said that he misspoke when he talked to Al Jazeera. '"This represents neither my views nor those of the State Department. I apologize," the statement (from Fernandez) said.' No, the view that the our efforts in Iraq are stupid is merely the belief 55% of the American public. Thankfully none of that 55% has any decision making capacity in Washington D.C. or else the terrorists would have already won.

In a related story, the Merriam-Webster word of the day for Sunday was, "weltschmerz: a mental depression or apathy caused by comparison of the actual state of the world with an ideal state."

Indiana Jones and The Temple of Dumb

2006-10-20T20:21:00.000-05:00

Today I was using a public computer to check my e-mail, which always seems a little bit like archeology to me. You know what you're looking for and you have a vague idea where it is but you have to dig through a lot of crap to get to it. And occasionally you stumble onto some piece of buried treasure you didn't expect.

Today I opened a strange new browser and stumbled onto this nugget, an article exposing the horrors of celebrity over exposure. Genius, I thought. What better way to stick it to celebrities who are over exposed than to write an article about them replete with full color photos and a description of all of their current exploits? They are clearly applying the "Old Time Rock and Roll" method of diplomacy made famous by Bob Seger. Seger, as you'll recall, had had it with new music that "ain't got the same soul" so he decided to write some new music about how much new music sucks. Touche Mr. Seger, you cut them to the quick!

The article was in Forbes Magazine's online edition. Forbes? Remember when that was about money and power and being a closeted gay magazine publisher? Once the Capitalist Tool and the voice of the Reagan years, now they're telling me that Jessica Simpson has a line of "edible" bath and body treats called Dessert Beauty...which I can only imagine tastes like silicone and desperation.

The article goes on to quote Star magazine's Bonnie Fuller as saying "for somebody who is less talented, it can often give them a career that they wouldn't have had at all," she says. "It may not last for that long, but it does give them something for a while."

And really America, isn't that the least we could do? Give people something to do for awhile? These poor unfortunately gorgeous people with limitless amounts of cash aimlessly wandering about the world mating with other similarly shackled individuals. How can they live like that? They know nothing of the beauties of the thankless job or living paycheck to paycheck. They don't know the simple joys of living off of credit or missing a student loan payment. So isn't suffering through Employee of the Month the LEAST we could do for our little Jessica?

300 Million People Can't Be Wrong

2006-10-18T10:59:00.000-05:00

I present to you today a new, relatively self-explanatory segment called "He Said...He Meant...." First on the chopping block? This Statement by President Bush on a population milestone.

He Said...
For more than two centuries, America has been a beacon of hope and opportunity for people around the world, millions of whom came here to live in freedom and make better lives for themselves and their families. Today, we celebrate a significant milestone - the population of the United States has now reached 300 million. Our continued growth is a testament to our country's dynamism and a reminder that America's greatest asset is our people.

America is built on a shared love of freedom and a belief in the dignity and matchless value of every human being. Our confidence in our people has carried us to ever greater achievements in all areas of human endeavor and allowed us to remain the world's most vibrant and innovative country. And so long as we insist on high standards in education, place our trust in the talents and ingenuity of ordinary Americans, and protect our freedoms, we will remain the land of opportunity for generations to come. We welcome this milestone as further proof that the American Dream remains as bright and hopeful as ever.

He Meant
For more than two centuries, America has been a beacon of hope and opportunity for people around the world...and we're OK with that as long as they stay in their godless, unpronounceable little hell holes of perpetual poverty. Those sweat shops aren't gonna staff themselves, you know?

However, millions of them insisted on coming here to live in freedom and make better lives for themselves and their families. Today, we celebrate a significant milestone - the population of the United States has now reached 300 million. Our continued growth is a testament to our country's dynamism. It is also a stern rebuke to the enemies of freedom that would have you believe that the policies of my administration are making this country unfit to live in. I say to those people, "if that were true, would our population keep increasing?" Ha, gotcha!

This is also a reminder that America's greatest asset is our people. Because it is people, not corporations, that pay taxes. It is people, not legislators, who fight wars. It is people, not presidents, who get blamed when the shit hits the fan. And believe me, there is some shit out there.

America is built on a shared love of freedom and a belief in the dignity and matchless value of every human being. It was also built on the back of slaves. Lesser minds would find that ironic, even contradictory. I am not one of those minds. We rescued the darkies from their barbaric land of death and destruction and gave them a more peaceful way of life here in our cotton fields and tobacco farms. So too today we show our less fortunate brethren that same kind of opportunity for advancement. With decades of mind numbing labor and significant credit card debt, they too can hope to one day live the American Dream.

Our confidence in our people has carried us to ever greater achievements in all areas of human endeavor and allowed us to remain the world's most vibrant and innovative country. And so long as we insist on high standards in education we will be disappointed. Better to So long as we place our trust in the talents and ingenuity of ordinary Americans we can make a swift dollar off of them. Hooray for the dirty immigrants!

Political Subtext
Latinos vote.

To The Man In The Car Behind Me

2006-10-16T03:07:00.000-05:00

I'm so sorry that I have delayed you. I know I can never be excused for impeding your progress. Please extend my apologies to your family, friends, and any organ donation recipients I may have kept you from.

Please let me explain. First off, I was lost. Secondly, the automatic toll collector was not recognizing that I had put in my 30 cents. Thirdly, this was the second time I had fed the toll collector and it still refused to accept my money. Problems were mounting.

Still, my little pile of misfortunes must be nothing compared to the stress of being momentarily delayed for literally dozens of seconds while I fished for more coins. I don't mean to compare our situations for that would just be adding insult to your already grave injury. How was I to know that my stopping of your forward momentum was going to cause your children to flunk out of parochial school while simultaneously ripping open the ozone layer and collecting small puppies to use as kindling in my spotted owl BBQ?! Truth be told, I could not know. Luckily
you were there with some kind words to point me in the right direction. And for that I thank you kind traveller.

You are truly a credit to humanity and I hope whoever you were travelling to is as appreciative of your generosity of spirit as I am.

Elements of Style

2006-10-11T22:51:00.000-05:00

The Lakeview East Chamber of Commerce is having a month-long public art exhibition. Despite the fact that I work in the neighborhood on a daily basis, the only proof I have of that fact are the brochures that litter our office. Here is the average description of the installations on display.

"Operation Planet Earth: A multimedia experience in which the students of Nettlehorst School participate in and celebrate saving the environment. Costumes and handmade musical instruments in a public parade lead down N. Broadway will enliven streetscape with awakening the importance of a month long educational recycling program and its importance with practicalities in daily creativity."

Here's the TV Guide version of that: Kids have a parade, recycle, learn lesson about environment.

I have seldom heard more tortured prose outside the walls of an asylum. Enliven the streetscape? I think she means that the kids will be loud and obnoxious in that way that only little caffeine-fueled, sugar missiles can be. And you know what? Punctuation likes you, why don't you like punctuation?

What is educational recycling? I had a history teacher in junior high that had been at the school since my parents were in junior high. Max Geers was his name. He used the same text books and the same study guides for all of those years. His theory was the history hadn't changed and he wasn't going to either. THAT is educational recycling.

This was clearly undertaken by someone who writes grants for a living. Strunk and White must be on a rotisserie spit in hell right now.

Can't You Read The Signs?

2006-10-11T01:15:00.000-05:00

Riding the train to work this morning I noticed a sign I'd never seen before. It was posted on the railing of a porch that looked out over the tracks. It was clearly posted so that it could be read by people on the train. It was a standard piece of poster board (maybe three foot by five foot) that someone had written an urgent message on in magic marker. It said, "Katie, will you marry me? Mike."

Isn't that romantic? He did arts and crafts for her. That's love. I can't imagine Katie saying no to him now. I mean, if this was his proposal, can you imagine the kick ass macaroni pictures she's gonna get for their anniversary?

Bombs Away

2006-10-09T22:27:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning to reports that North Korea had successfully tested a nuclear missle. The story on NPR was rather lengthy, but I was also rather tired. And while the story put up a good fight, sleep won out. When I woke a half an hour later I went to the computer to check the days headlines.

"North Korea Successfully Tests Nuclear Missile." Well, that's what it actually said, but what I read was "North DAKOTA Successfully Tests Nuclear Missile." And for some reason I found that much more frightening. Because, think about it, what do you really know about North Dakota? I mean, just the fact that there are two Dakotas automatically makes me a little suspicious. That to me says that one of them couldn't get along with the other so it packed up it's statehood and moved north. That's shifty.

But it wants us to believe otherwise. It's just a lonely little state up there on the border with Canada minding it's own business, right? But those are the types you've got to keep your eye on. You know what the neighbors always say when they find out they were living next to a serial killer: "He was so quiet, always kept to himself." I'm watching you North Dakota!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some sleep to catch up on.

A Billion Billon Years

2006-10-07T18:58:00.000-05:00

It is accepted science fact that the stars we see in the heavens may already be dead. Because the light from them has to travel so far to reach us (in some cases billions of light years) the star could have already died out and we would still be receiving its light for years after the fact. Well, there is a similar theory about candy corn. It goes like this: they stopped making candy corn 15 years ago and we're still eating it today. Think about it. Would you really be able to tell the difference?

News Round Up

2006-10-02T11:10:00.000-05:00

I have a lot of news on my Google Homepage. I try to read it everyday, but what usually ends up happening is that somewhere around 3a.m. I run out of time so I start scanning headlines and making up stories. Here's today's batch....

The BBC News UK Edition leads off with this curious tag: "Man 'Duped' Over Fertiliser Store." Who among us hasn't fallen prey to the siren song of the mythical fertilizer store?

The New Zealand Herald triumphantly reports that, "NZ Students Perform Well Compared to Others." Now come on New Zealand, you know better than to compare yourself to others. You are a beautiful and unique snowflake. There is not another country in the world who is exactly like you. You are precious and so are your students. Besides, how hard is it to perform well compared to American students? NZ, if you can find yourself on a map you're doing better than U.S. students, but I still don't think you should base your self esteem around it.

Fox News leads with this headline: "British Man Trampled To Death By Elephant While On Honeymoon." While CNN lead with a more modest and some would say more newsworthy: "Dam Collapse in Nigeria Destroys 1,500 Homes." Take note CNN, THAT is why Fox news is on top of the news game. They know what people want in their news: love, death and elephants.

Time Magazine has a story titled "Campaign 2006: The Republican's Secret Weapon" and "Why Torture is Still an Option." Presumably those are two separate stories, but don't be surprised if voting machines "require" electrodes to be placed on your genitals.

That's all from News Central. Good night and good riddance.

Cell, Cell, Cell

2006-10-02T11:04:00.000-05:00

Whenever I see two people in consecutive cars talking on their cell phones I think they are talking to each other.

"Hey, what's the traffic like up there?"

Same for people walking down the street. If two people pass me going down the sidewalk who are talking on their cell phone I think, "Well that's just lazy. Just go over there and talk to them."

A Fool And His Money...

2006-09-30T22:16:00.000-05:00

I got a call from a cancer society yesterday asking me to donate money to help families meet their medical expenses.

Actually, let me back up. I didn't receive the call. The people who lived here before me did. People are constantly calling here looking for the Lewis family. This is not a new phenomenon. When Jen and I moved into our apartment in Des Moines we used to get calls for the Baker family. A lot of calls. They lasted for 3 years. Honestly, if you haven't got the Baker's new number after 3 years just take the hint! In a weird way we felt like a part of the Baker family. We were so proud when we heard that little Sarah graduated from Texas A&M. We wanted to call the Bakers and congratulate them but we knew who we'd get if we tried. But I digress....

The cancer society apologized for calling me Mr. Lewis and said they were calling everyone in the state anyway so they'd talk to me too. How considerate. "Our first choice isn't here, but you'll do."

I didn't know if I would donate or not. I'm usually a sucker for this crap. Dangle a dying kid or a displaced veteran in front of my checkbook and money starts disappearing faster than dignity at an open bar.

I have a lot of sympathy for the people working those phones. I work the phones in the box office and I know how hard it is just to deal with the public. For example, I got a call the other day that was particularly challenging. The guy wanted to ask a bunch of questions. No problem, I'm getting paid to answer them. But he wouldn't let me finish an answer before interrupting me to ask another (and often completely unrelated) question. This became more and more frustrating as the call droned on and he started asking me questions he had asked before...and never let me answer fully.

Then came this gem: "How do I get there?" Now, on the surface there is nothing peculiar about this question, but there is a vital piece of information missing.

Where are you coming from?

"Kenosha."

And how are going to be getting here?

"I don't know."

Are you driving?

"We can drive, how do we get there if we drive?"

Well, how will you be getting to the city?

"I don't know, is it easier if we take the train?"

There is an El stop about three blocks from the theater.

"What's that?"

The elevated train system in the city.

"How do we get to that?"

(Isn't this where we came in?) How are you coming into the city?

"The commuter train drops off downtown."

If you're taking the train downtown you'd want to....

"How do you get there from (Interstate Highways) 90/94?"

You'll get off at Addison. Follow the signs for Wrigley Field. You'll go past Wrigley Field...

"How do you spell that?"

Spell what?

"Addison."

A-D-D-I-S-O-N. You take that past Wrigley Field to the corner of Addison and Belmont.

"How do you spell...."

B-E-L-M-O-N-T

Apparently at this point the attempts to choke back my rage were beginning to fail because our wayward Wisconsinite counters with this: "Ok. I'm sorry to make you repeat things and spell stuff but I've had brain surgery and have terminal cancer."

You son of a bitch! That's right, a guy tells me his days on earth are numbered and my first reaction is "quit wasting my time." Did you see what he did there that was pure genius? That cancer thing is gold baby! Now he gets to be a jackass and I can't be mad at him. I'm adding that to the repertoire. "Sorry I'm being an ass, it's a disease."

By the same token, who decides discussing their medical history with a total stranger is a good idea? "Yes, I know I haven't paid my phone bill for three months, but I have here a biopsy report I want to read you about a mole I had removed."

So I decided not to donate to the cancer society. Not strictly because of this jerk from Kenosha...but not NOT because of him either. I can only hope that the Baker's are more generous when they get the call.

Epilogue: The Memory Remains

2006-09-30T01:19:00.000-05:00

If there's one thing I've learned about myself it's that I can hold a grudge. I come by it naturally. I come from a long line of angry people. Angry German people. I'm not sure all of them have forgiven Martin Luther for what he did to the Catholic Church. (I, myself, have not forgiven Garrison Keillor for what he's done to Lutheranism.)

My impotent rage was showcased tonight when I was driving home and saw a Wickes Furniture truck and had the knee jerk reaction to swerve into oncoming traffic to hit it.

The Slavery Samba

2006-09-27T00:32:00.000-05:00

Celebrities doing (usually court-mandated) charity work is nothing new. For years that was the only work that Robert Downey Jr. could get. So when I heard that Ricky Martin (yes THAT Ricky Martin) had established a charitable foundation I was hardly shocked. No, the shock didn't set in until I found out what kind of revolutionary things his foundation is fighting against. He's given musical instruments to Puerto Rican school children (take THAT peace and quiet!) and built houses for the homeless in Thailand (take THAT highway underpasses!) but the foundation's latest stance is sure to make waves. Ricky has decided to speak out against human trafficking. A bold move that is sure to anger pimps and smugglers everywhere.

And I gotta believe that he's really behind this move because it is kind of counter intuitive for him to oppose human trafficking. Why would he want to keep people from leaving small struggling countries that are devoid of food, hope and spicy Latin rhythms? Why would he want to keep them from arriving in the land of milk, honey and Tower Records? The short answer is, he wouldn't. But apparently his conscience is larger than his wallet will ever be so he has taken the bold stance of opposing slavery. And I am so moved by his humanitarianism and compassion that I am seriously considering not making a joke about him being smuggled into this country in someone's colon. No, no, no. I think I will take the high road and say nothing about him coming in someone's ass.

Only 100 Shopping Days Left Until Embarassment

2006-09-26T00:34:00.000-05:00

One year for Christmas my Dad's girlfriend (later wife...and then later ex-wife #2) got my uncle a Billy Bass for Christmas. For the uninitiated and/or people with taste I will explain. *AHEM* Billy Bass is a mounted fish that sings "Take Me To The River" at the press of a button.

Everyone was disappointed by this gift. I was disappointed because the damned thing existed, let alone in such proximity to me. My family was disappointed because it didn't come with batteries. This "problem" was "remedied" by a quick cannibalization of the TV remote and soon everyone was "enjoying" the Al Green classic being torturously brought to life by a piece of vinyl siding with a rhythm section.

Well look out Billy Bass because there is a new sheriff in town. Make way for The Farting Teddy Bear.

The concept here, as I see it, is that Teddy Ruxpin has REALLY let himself go. This bear...well...I'll just let the ad copy do the talking: "He's cute, he's cuddly, and he's flatulent. There's nothing he likes more than to be in the arms of some poor, unsuspecting victim so he can let out a big, juicy one when you press the remote control. And he's so embarrassed; his little cheeks glow blushing red whenever he passes gas. Adorable as he is, he's always forgiven. You, maybe not."

He's cuddly? Ok. He's cute? That's negotiable. He's flatulent? That totally undoes points one and two. I had an uncle who was the same way and let me tell you any passing resemblance he might have shared with a Jack Russell pup was completely outweighed by the fact that he smelled like 3 month old cole slaw.

I'm getting to Grandma's early this year to hide all the batteries.

Weedy's, The Breakfast of Champions

2006-09-22T16:40:00.000-05:00

Willie Nelson was arrested earlier this week for possession of a pound and a half of marijuana. In other news "B" follows "A" and we breath oxygen.

Why does this continue to be news? You know what would make this story better (you know how I like to fix stories)? Some kind of novelty. "Willie Nelson Donates His Marijuana to Underprivileged Stoners." See, that has a twist to it. "Willie Nelson Dating Jessica Simpson." Ok, I didn't see that coming. Now I'm interested...creeped out and in need of a shower, but interested. "Willie Nelson Brokers Iranian Nuclear Pact." I saw Wag The Dog, I know how he rolls!

Insert 4 Credits to Continue

2006-09-19T10:14:00.000-05:00

Ok, did everyone else know this and just forget to tell me? How come I had to read about it in the Christian Science Monitor? The Army has its own video game?!

This is why satire is so hard: you have to stay ahead of the curve. Back in June I wrote a post about the video game Silent Scope where I suggested that the Army was using it as a new recruitment method like the alien army did in the movie The Last Starfighter (1984). Now I know a lot of you are thinking, "Hey, the army is reading your blog and putting your great , albeit alarmingly short-sighted ideas into action!" Well, think again. The video game came out in 1992. I was merely 14 years behind the diabolical masterminds at the Pentagon who were, in turn, 8 years behind Hollywood. I'm not sure who should be more embarrassed about that.

I would have never pegged Bush for a video game player, but it kind of makes its own warped sort of sense. When you start a new game (Iraqi Freedom, Democracy's Deathgrip!) it takes you awhile to get a hang of the strategy. In massive multi-player games there is a pretty steep learning curve, especially if you don't know where all the power ups (They aided Al-Queda, they had nuclear capabilities and SUPPORT THE TROOPS!) and hidden weapons caches are. And no matter how many first person shooters you play (like Afghanistani Apocalypse or Tora-Bora and the Terror Below!) they all have their own peculiar quirks (What do you mean they don't think of us as liberators? Well we'll show them! Now we'll never leave!) I'm sure the Bush administration is just looking for the reset button on Iraq so they can call a do-over. And you know, now that they know what the "evil-doers" will actually do it should go a lot more smoothly this time around.

Just a word of warning: the cheat codes you get from the Polish only allow you to use the word "coalition" in speeches. They don't give you any actual ammo. And you're gonna need a lot of ammo because I hear it takes 15 clips (and years of rhetoric) to finish off that last guy.