The Intelligence Estimate

Jen and I were riding the train up to Evanston last night to go to a friend's party. In order to get there we have to ride the Red Line and then transfer to the Purple Line. There weren't a lot of people on our train car, so it was relatively quiet. Before we switched trains I heard a sound in the back of the car. At first I didn't pay it any mind, but it was a presistant and increasingly alarming noise. It sounded like a pipe or a hose had broken and all of the fluid trapped in it was spilling out.

I should stop here to tell you that the elevated trains in Chicago are an amazing and efficient form of transportation, and I love them. However, I can't ever fully get comfortable on them because I can't shake the feeling that at any minute we are going to careen of the tracks, fly through the air and end up in the living room of someone's condo. There is a certain roller coaster feel to them. So, that being said, when I hear what could possibly be brake fluid or, God forbid, GASOLINE spilling all over our car, I get a little shaken.

So I turned around and I see a mother and three small children near where the noise is coming from. Now I'm concerned that they may be near the epi-center of the evilness when the shit hits the fan. I turned around and tried to think of all of the amazing action hero things I could do to save myself, my wife and this family. Several minutes and many GREAT rescue scenarios later I was pulled from my planning by smallest child saying, "Look at all this PEE!"

It is ONLY THEN that the mother first becomes aware that her child is not only befouling the train with his urine but also standing in it as well. As the mother feigns disgust the rapids start flowing towards us...but the stink had already hit.

To you dear reader, I pose this question, "How do you NOT notice something like that?" I was a good 15 feet away and I heard the kid whizzing all over the train, how did SHE miss it? She was sitting right in front of the kid. Chances are she could hear it, and with a 3-year old's aim being what it is, she probably felt it as well.

I mean, to put it in perspective, it would be like standing at the BASE of Niagra Falls and saying, "Where's the water?"

There are signs everywhere that say, "No Panhandling," "Do Not Use Door Between Trains Unless In An Emergency," "No Food or Drink Allowed on ther Train." But nowhere does it explicitly forbid you from painting the floor with this morning's Hi-C!