The Intelligence Estimate

Only an estimate. Actual intelligence may vary.


But I'm Big In Japan!

Apparently I'm not well loved in Canada.

Does anyone remember the carefree days when I posted this video parody of a trilogy of movies that was largely ignored by mainstream film goers?



It is based on the Qaatsi Trilogy of movies by Godfrey Reggio. The movies are loosely labeled as documentaries with incredibly broad topics like War or Technology or Wasting My Time or Phillip Glass Needs A Paycheck. (We've HEARD that chord already...for like 10 minutes? What else you got? Oh, an arpeggio? Shocking! Didn't see that coming!) The movies have no conventional narrative but rely on images shown repeatedly in different speeds to make their point. And what is the point? Well, let me ask my Canadian friend Mr. Jiggjoepanto...if that is his real name...and I PRAY that it is! "The Qatsi films clearly show how North American culture destroys other cultures, and rapes the planet daily. It's well past time to take our heads out of our asses about this."

Clearly he is quite passionate about these films and the "issues " they supposedly raise. However, I was a little late in arriving at his opinion because he started out his letter by announcing that, "There are many humorous homages to Reggio/Glass on YouTube that are well done. Yours is pathetic garbage." How do you argue with that? You cannot refute such a strongly reasoned treatise and it is mere folly to do so. (Clearly those years on the debate team are now paying off huge dividends!) I bow to your superior intellect and simply read on.

"Each of us has the power right now to make positive change, yet you waste your gift making crap like this. Snap out of it."

I guess there is a compliment in there somewhere. He supposes that I have gifts to waste and am not simply a bored Netfilx subscriber with a camera desperately trying to make some artistic use of the 6 wasted hours I spent on the trilogy. That's something I suppose.

I'm not mad at him for his opinion. I agree that America is an overbearing, short-sighted, monolithic man-child of a nation, and that we are continually raping and pillaging at a rate that would do the Vikings proud. I'm not even mad at him for liking the Qaatsi Trilogy. He liked it, I didn't. There is nothing I can do to change that opinion in a movie that runs minute and a half.

No, what burns me about Mr. Pants (or Jiggy Dawg as the people who have been berated by him like to refer to him) is that he lashed out so vitriolically about a movie posted on a FREE site. Even if you hated it, at least it was FREE AND NOT SIX HOURS LONG! He was out nothing but his time...90 seconds. And apparently he was going to use that time for something much more important. So I feel like I owe it to the world to apologize to the world for tying up the valuable time of Jiggyjoe. I'm sorry. I'd hate for it to be found out that we were deprived of a cure for cancer because I had to shoot my mouth off about a pretentious piece of cinematic tripe.

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Meet Me In Saint Louie...Uhhh...Nevermind

You know why the St. Louis Cardinals are so damned tough? Because St. Louis was just ranked the most dangerous city in the US. Yeah, where's the threat in being hit by a pitch when you're going toe to toe with death just getting to work everyday?!

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Eats, Shoots Up and Leaves

Oh the power of poor punctuation: 7-11 Pulls Energy Drink Over Name, Cocaine.

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The People In Your Neighborhood

I was driving through Gary, Indiana yesterday when I noticed something weird...something other than the fact that people live in Gary, Indiana. The Gary Police Department has improved upon previous policing methods by allowing the public to do their job for them. Along the interstate there is a sign for a wanted criminal replete with picture and physical description. I'd like to have been at that City Council meeting. "Why don't we try Craigslist? It worked really well for that couch we were trying to get rid of at city hall."

Let's hope the Gary Fire Department doesn't take the same Do It Yourself approach to their job.

(I don't know how long the web site will reflect this, but when I posted this the Gary Police Department link was to a page that was "currently under construction." Apparently they can't be bothered to finish their own website either. I'm sure it's just a matter of time before THAT job is listed on a billboard too.)

Synchronicity

Clearly Alberto Fernandez needs to be in the loop a little more.

Fernandez, a senior State Department official, was quoted by CNN's web site as saying, '"History will decide what role the United States played," he said in Arabic, based on CNN translations. "And, God willing, we tried to do our best in Iraq. "But I think there is a big possibility (inaudible) for extreme criticism and because undoubtedly there was arrogance and stupidity from the United States in Iraq."'

To make matters worse, he said that on Al Jazeera... the Fox News of the Middle East.

Obviously he hadn't heard that President Bush had, only days before, convened a meeting with high level authorities on Iraq and released this statement: "I've had an uplifting and heartwarming conversation with fellow citizens of all ages from across our country who are supporting our troops. These folks don't really care about politics; what they care about is how best to send a strong message to the men and women who wear our uniform that America supports them."

That press release carried the revealing title of "President Bush Meets With Organizations That Support The United States Military in Iraq and Afghanistan." As opposed to those Algonquin Round Table salons he's used to holding with the the great minds of the day. (Henry Kissinger, I'm looking at YOU!)

So I guess that it is no surprise that today Fernendez said that he misspoke when he talked to Al Jazeera. '"This represents neither my views nor those of the State Department. I apologize," the statement (from Fernandez) said.' No, the view that the our efforts in Iraq are stupid is merely the belief 55% of the American public. Thankfully none of that 55% has any decision making capacity in Washington D.C. or else the terrorists would have already won.

In a related story, the Merriam-Webster word of the day for Sunday was, "weltschmerz: a mental depression or apathy caused by comparison of the actual state of the world with an ideal state."

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Indiana Jones and The Temple of Dumb

Today I was using a public computer to check my e-mail, which always seems a little bit like archeology to me. You know what you're looking for and you have a vague idea where it is but you have to dig through a lot of crap to get to it. And occasionally you stumble onto some piece of buried treasure you didn't expect.

Today I opened a strange new browser and stumbled onto this nugget, an article exposing the horrors of celebrity over exposure. Genius, I thought. What better way to stick it to celebrities who are over exposed than to write an article about them replete with full color photos and a description of all of their current exploits? They are clearly applying the "Old Time Rock and Roll" method of diplomacy made famous by Bob Seger. Seger, as you'll recall, had had it with new music that "ain't got the same soul" so he decided to write some new music about how much new music sucks. Touche Mr. Seger, you cut them to the quick!

The article was in Forbes Magazine's online edition. Forbes? Remember when that was about money and power and being a closeted gay magazine publisher? Once the Capitalist Tool and the voice of the Reagan years, now they're telling me that Jessica Simpson has a line of "edible" bath and body treats called Dessert Beauty...which I can only imagine tastes like silicone and desperation.

The article goes on to quote Star magazine's Bonnie Fuller as saying "for somebody who is less talented, it can often give them a career that they wouldn't have had at all," she says. "It may not last for that long, but it does give them something for a while."

And really America, isn't that the least we could do? Give people something to do for awhile? These poor unfortunately gorgeous people with limitless amounts of cash aimlessly wandering about the world mating with other similarly shackled individuals. How can they live like that? They know nothing of the beauties of the thankless job or living paycheck to paycheck. They don't know the simple joys of living off of credit or missing a student loan payment. So isn't suffering through Employee of the Month the LEAST we could do for our little Jessica?

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300 Million People Can't Be Wrong

I present to you today a new, relatively self-explanatory segment called "He Said...He Meant...." First on the chopping block? This Statement by President Bush on a population milestone.

He Said...
For more than two centuries, America has been a beacon of hope and opportunity for people around the world, millions of whom came here to live in freedom and make better lives for themselves and their families. Today, we celebrate a significant milestone - the population of the United States has now reached 300 million. Our continued growth is a testament to our country's dynamism and a reminder that America's greatest asset is our people.

America is built on a shared love of freedom and a belief in the dignity and matchless value of every human being. Our confidence in our people has carried us to ever greater achievements in all areas of human endeavor and allowed us to remain the world's most vibrant and innovative country. And so long as we insist on high standards in education, place our trust in the talents and ingenuity of ordinary Americans, and protect our freedoms, we will remain the land of opportunity for generations to come. We welcome this milestone as further proof that the American Dream remains as bright and hopeful as ever.

He Meant
For more than two centuries, America has been a beacon of hope and opportunity for people around the world...and we're OK with that as long as they stay in their godless, unpronounceable little hell holes of perpetual poverty. Those sweat shops aren't gonna staff themselves, you know?

However, millions of them insisted on coming here to live in freedom and make better lives for themselves and their families. Today, we celebrate a significant milestone - the population of the United States has now reached 300 million. Our continued growth is a testament to our country's dynamism. It is also a stern rebuke to the enemies of freedom that would have you believe that the policies of my administration are making this country unfit to live in. I say to those people, "if that were true, would our population keep increasing?" Ha, gotcha!

This is also a reminder that America's greatest asset is our people. Because it is people, not corporations, that pay taxes. It is people, not legislators, who fight wars. It is people, not presidents, who get blamed when the shit hits the fan. And believe me, there is some shit out there.

America is built on a shared love of freedom and a belief in the dignity and matchless value of every human being. It was also built on the back of slaves. Lesser minds would find that ironic, even contradictory. I am not one of those minds. We rescued the darkies from their barbaric land of death and destruction and gave them a more peaceful way of life here in our cotton fields and tobacco farms. So too today we show our less fortunate brethren that same kind of opportunity for advancement. With decades of mind numbing labor and significant credit card debt, they too can hope to one day live the American Dream.

Our confidence in our people has carried us to ever greater achievements in all areas of human endeavor and allowed us to remain the world's most vibrant and innovative country. And so long as we insist on high standards in education we will be disappointed. Better to So long as we place our trust in the talents and ingenuity of ordinary Americans we can make a swift dollar off of them. Hooray for the dirty immigrants!

Political Subtext
Latinos vote.

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To The Man In The Car Behind Me

I'm so sorry that I have delayed you. I know I can never be excused for impeding your progress. Please extend my apologies to your family, friends, and any organ donation recipients I may have kept you from.

Please let me explain. First off, I was lost. Secondly, the automatic toll collector was not recognizing that I had put in my 30 cents. Thirdly, this was the second time I had fed the toll collector and it still refused to accept my money. Problems were mounting.

Still, my little pile of misfortunes must be nothing compared to the stress of being momentarily delayed for literally dozens of seconds while I fished for more coins. I don't mean to compare our situations for that would just be adding insult to your already grave injury. How was I to know that my stopping of your forward momentum was going to cause your children to flunk out of parochial school while simultaneously ripping open the ozone layer and collecting small puppies to use as kindling in my spotted owl BBQ?! Truth be told, I could not know. Luckily
you were there with some kind words to point me in the right direction. And for that I thank you kind traveller.

You are truly a credit to humanity and I hope whoever you were travelling to is as appreciative of your generosity of spirit as I am.

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Elements of Style

The Lakeview East Chamber of Commerce is having a month-long public art exhibition. Despite the fact that I work in the neighborhood on a daily basis, the only proof I have of that fact are the brochures that litter our office. Here is the average description of the installations on display.

"Operation Planet Earth: A multimedia experience in which the students of Nettlehorst School participate in and celebrate saving the environment. Costumes and handmade musical instruments in a public parade lead down N. Broadway will enliven streetscape with awakening the importance of a month long educational recycling program and its importance with practicalities in daily creativity."

Here's the TV Guide version of that: Kids have a parade, recycle, learn lesson about environment.

I have seldom heard more tortured prose outside the walls of an asylum. Enliven the streetscape? I think she means that the kids will be loud and obnoxious in that way that only little caffeine-fueled, sugar missiles can be. And you know what? Punctuation likes you, why don't you like punctuation?

What is educational recycling? I had a history teacher in junior high that had been at the school since my parents were in junior high. Max Geers was his name. He used the same text books and the same study guides for all of those years. His theory was the history hadn't changed and he wasn't going to either. THAT is educational recycling.

This was clearly undertaken by someone who writes grants for a living. Strunk and White must be on a rotisserie spit in hell right now.

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Can't You Read The Signs?

Riding the train to work this morning I noticed a sign I'd never seen before. It was posted on the railing of a porch that looked out over the tracks. It was clearly posted so that it could be read by people on the train. It was a standard piece of poster board (maybe three foot by five foot) that someone had written an urgent message on in magic marker. It said, "Katie, will you marry me? Mike."

Isn't that romantic? He did arts and crafts for her. That's love. I can't imagine Katie saying no to him now. I mean, if this was his proposal, can you imagine the kick ass macaroni pictures she's gonna get for their anniversary?

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Bombs Away

I woke up this morning to reports that North Korea had successfully tested a nuclear missle. The story on NPR was rather lengthy, but I was also rather tired. And while the story put up a good fight, sleep won out. When I woke a half an hour later I went to the computer to check the days headlines.

"North Korea Successfully Tests Nuclear Missile." Well, that's what it actually said, but what I read was "North DAKOTA Successfully Tests Nuclear Missile." And for some reason I found that much more frightening. Because, think about it, what do you really know about North Dakota? I mean, just the fact that there are two Dakotas automatically makes me a little suspicious. That to me says that one of them couldn't get along with the other so it packed up it's statehood and moved north. That's shifty.

But it wants us to believe otherwise. It's just a lonely little state up there on the border with Canada minding it's own business, right? But those are the types you've got to keep your eye on. You know what the neighbors always say when they find out they were living next to a serial killer: "He was so quiet, always kept to himself." I'm watching you North Dakota!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some sleep to catch up on.

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A Billion Billon Years

It is accepted science fact that the stars we see in the heavens may already be dead. Because the light from them has to travel so far to reach us (in some cases billions of light years) the star could have already died out and we would still be receiving its light for years after the fact. Well, there is a similar theory about candy corn. It goes like this: they stopped making candy corn 15 years ago and we're still eating it today. Think about it. Would you really be able to tell the difference?

News Round Up

I have a lot of news on my Google Homepage. I try to read it everyday, but what usually ends up happening is that somewhere around 3a.m. I run out of time so I start scanning headlines and making up stories. Here's today's batch....

The BBC News UK Edition leads off with this curious tag: "Man 'Duped' Over Fertiliser Store." Who among us hasn't fallen prey to the siren song of the mythical fertilizer store?

The New Zealand Herald triumphantly reports that, "NZ Students Perform Well Compared to Others." Now come on New Zealand, you know better than to compare yourself to others. You are a beautiful and unique snowflake. There is not another country in the world who is exactly like you. You are precious and so are your students. Besides, how hard is it to perform well compared to American students? NZ, if you can find yourself on a map you're doing better than U.S. students, but I still don't think you should base your self esteem around it.

Fox News leads with this headline: "British Man Trampled To Death By Elephant While On Honeymoon." While CNN lead with a more modest and some would say more newsworthy: "Dam Collapse in Nigeria Destroys 1,500 Homes." Take note CNN, THAT is why Fox news is on top of the news game. They know what people want in their news: love, death and elephants.

Time Magazine has a story titled "Campaign 2006: The Republican's Secret Weapon" and "Why Torture is Still an Option." Presumably those are two separate stories, but don't be surprised if voting machines "require" electrodes to be placed on your genitals.

That's all from News Central. Good night and good riddance.

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Cell, Cell, Cell

Whenever I see two people in consecutive cars talking on their cell phones I think they are talking to each other.

"Hey, what's the traffic like up there?"

Same for people walking down the street. If two people pass me going down the sidewalk who are talking on their cell phone I think, "Well that's just lazy. Just go over there and talk to them."

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