The Intelligence Estimate

Thief made woman, 83, smoke crack - CNN

A 41 year old woman (Theresa) forced an 83 year old housemate (Shirley) to smoke crack on at least two occasions in order to obtain personal information that she later used to obtain a credit card under Shirley's name. Theresa then used the credit card to run up $3000 of debt. Presumably she used either cash advances or gifts purchased with the card to pay off her crack dealer. Which just proves what I've always said, "You have to spend crack to make crack."

Labels: CNN, Crack, News, Weird News

The city manager of Largo, Florida, Steve Stanton, was fired because he is in the process of becoming Susan Stanton. You may have seen him on the Daily Show. Well, now Steve has applied for the same position in Sarasota, Florida but applied under Susan's name.

I'm very interested to see how this turns out in a highly-contentious red state like Florida because, despite their stance on alternative lifestyles, this is the perfect situation for Republican economics. They can hire a "man" to do the job, but pay $.70 on the dollar because a "woman" is doing it. Transgendered applicants are better value!

Labels: Florida, Gay, Gay.com, News, Transgendered City Manager, Weird News

Sorry I haven't been posting regularly, but I have a reason: I have been finishing the exploding whale show. I up the writing about a week ago and now I am working on editing and some technical details. I am also working on a website for the show, but so far have only gotten as far as registering a domain name.

As for The Intelligence Estimate, well I have a back log of stories I have to clear out, so I promise you there will be a lot of new material coming soon. There is also a minor glitch with the news feeds for this site. So if you have been keeping up to date with an RSS feed you've not been getting the updates. I've got my team of tech monkeys working on it right now.

That's all the news for the moment. There should be a new post later today. Thanks for reading.

Labels: Blog, Exploding Whale Show, News, Personal

According to my trusty Google homepage, on this date in 1869 Russian chemist Dmitri Mendeleev unveiled the first periodic table at the World Science and Sciencey Type Stuff Bazaar and Bake Sale. In honor of this great achievement (and because I am exceedingly LAZY) I am rerunning an old favorite: "Congratulations, It's An Element!" It is a blog post from July of 2005 that showcases the best of Russia and America. From Russia we get staggering works of scientific advancement and from America (or more precisely from ME) we get the very philistine ignorance that we are known for all over the world! (But ESPECIALLY in the middle east!)

Enjoy this one from the vaults!

-Management

*****

So I was taking an on-line quiz today that asked something about the periodic table of elements. When they revealed the answer to that question it turns out I'd gotten it wrong, but they provided a link you could follow and learn more about the elements and the people that discovered them. Well, as I perused the table (that's right, I PERUSED! I used to ogle tables, but I was young and impetuous then and those days are behind me.) and I found out that the two newest elements (Ununquadiurr and Ununhexium) had been discovered in 1998 and 2000. When I found out I was giddy as a school girl. I had only one thought, "Where do I send the presents?" So I looked up the Joint Institute for Nuclear Research in Dubna, Russia (the place where the elements were discovered) and found an e-mail address for the director of the institute. His name is Vladimir Georgievich Kadyshevsky. So I e-mailed him this letter...

"Dear Director Kadyshevsky,

I understand that congratulations are in order! Ununquadiurr (114)AND Ununhexium (116), wow! Boy, just when you think the periodic table is full, huh? "Nope, no more room for elements here, we're closed for business. Thanks for your interest, we have all the elements we need!" But then you and your team come along and say, "Oh yeah? I don't think so! I'm coming to this party! I think you hear me knocking and I'm coming in with my friends Ununquadirir and Ununhexium! Get me some Buffalo wings!" Yeah!

Sorry these congratulations are so overdue. Your baby elements are now 5 and 7 respectively, right? Wow, do you have any pictures of them from their first day of school? Ha, ha, just kidding! I JUST found out about this! Can you believe it? I mean, if Tom Cruise blows his nose it makes the news and I hear about it. But this I miss...and keep on missing for seven years! Man, can I get on your e-mail list or something? I don't want to miss the next big element! I feel just awful. Is there somewhere I can send a card or some flowers or a nice ice cream cake? Please let me know as soon as possible!

Anyway, I don't want to keep you. I know you're very busy...and probably overdue to discover another element! Congratulations.

-Chris Gummert
Chicago, Illinois
USA

PS- Is there anywhere you'd recommend for the ice cream cake?"


To learn more here's the link to the Joint Institute for Nuclear Research, click here.

And to annoy the director of the JINR, Vladimir Georgievich Kadyshevsky, email him here: kadyshev@jinr.ru
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For the record, I have yet to hear from anyone at JINR. *SIGH*

Labels: Chemistry, Joint Institute for Nuclear Research, News, Russia

Have you been feeling a little smarter than normal lately? It's like due to The Associated Press' week long ban on reporting about Paris Hilton. The wire service giant decided to run a little experiment because, "...editors just wanted to see what would happen if we didn't cover this media phenomenon, this creature of the Internet gossip age, for a full week. After that, we'd take it day by day. Would anyone care? Would anyone notice? And would that tell us something interesting?"

The answers, across the board, were a resounding "NO." In fact, the only reason anyone knew that the AP had stopped reporting on Paris Hilton was that they read about it in a news story FROM THE ASSOCIATED PRESS! In a still more perplexing feat of journalistic gymnastics the story then went on to recount every minute of Paris' life from the past week. (Selling perfume to Puerto Rico you say? DO TELL!) Fox News, which ran the AP story, even went so far as to add a link to even more stories about Paris Hilton. Say what you will about those compassion deficient bastards at Fox News (Don't mind if I do. AHEM! They eat the hearts of newborn children!) but they knew how badly you've been needing a Paris fix!

What finally broke the Paris news embargo? Paris got ticketed for driving with a suspended license, a bit of information that, by the AP's own admission, is not news. And yet they readily admit to putting out a 300 word story on it. So in one sentence they can deride other news sources for awarding this talentless pile of steaming entitlement her celebrity status and in the next sentence cater to the celebrity junkies who want to pick through the contents of her latest bowel movement. (And by bowel movement I mean "album." She doesn't make the distinction, why should I?)

Well rest assured that our long collective nightmare of informative news gathering is at an end and soon we can settle back into the comforting rhythm of nursing at the tit of celebrity news. The irrelevance WILL be televised!

Labels: Associated Press, Fox News, Hollywood, Internet, News, Paris Hilton

From Fox News, who is trying to appeal to the NASCAR demographic just a bit too much it seems, come this sensationalistic, knock-the-beer-out-of-your-over-sized-novelty-hat story entitled: Man Runs Over, Eats Seven Legged Transgendered Deer.

Apparently the Wisconsin deer not only had extra (and under developed, crab-like pincer legs) but it also had both male and female parts.

'"It was definitely a freak of nature," (Rick) Lisko said. "I guess it's a real rarity."

What you have to appreciate is Rick's subtlety. In one breath he's screaming about a freak of nature and calling the mob villagers to their pitch forks and torches, and in the next breath he becomes wistful for the halcyon days when freaks of nature ran free and unfettered through the trailer park noshing on discarded Playboys and crapping bottle tops. Ahhhh, Freak of nature we hardly knew ya!

But just how did the deer die?

"He (Lisko) said he slowed down as the buck and two does ran across the driveway Nov. 22, but the buck ran under the truck and got hit."

He ran under the truck? A deer ran UNDER the truck? Was he also a miniature, hobbit-sized deer or is somebody desperately trying to wriggle out of another DUI arrest? I assume that Fox is betting the people reading this story are too stupid to pose that question. Not just because the average Fox News reader also believes that the US is losing in Iraq because there are gays in the military. No, I say that because of the link that they inserted into the next sentence.

"'Bilgo (The DNR Representative) took photos and sent information on the animal to DNR wildlife managers.'"

I, as someone who has spent the better part of the last 12 years glued to the Internet, assumed that the link would take you to photos that the DNR had posted of this unique specimen. I thought it was a little weird that FOX hadn't included them in the original story, but I assumed there was some kind of copyright problem. But when I clicked on the link it took me to an ask.com page listing various photo hosting/printing services. Here's a little tip for Fox News, if the target audience of your writing needs to have digital photography and Internet hosting explained to them then you probably don't need to go ahead and post the story on your web site.

Labels: Fox News, News, Transgendered Seven Legged Deer, Weird News

Fox News has lost it's freakin' mind. Here are the top three stories on Fox News as of 11:54 a.m. :

Cops: Man Paints Goats, Leaves Porn to Harass NY Neighbor
Report: The Wiggles' Lead Singer May Quit Due to Illness
Britney Spears, Out With Paris Hilton, Flashes Nether Region

I never thought I'd live to see the day when Britney Spears' snatch would take precedence over the War on Christmas, War on Terror and War on Common Sense that rages over at Fox News. The Democrats run the House and the Senate so I find it VERY hard to believe that there isn't some preemptive bitching that could be done about them driving us all toward a catastrophic end and a premature rapture.

Although I will give them credit for getting the terms "Goat," "Wiggles," and Britney Spear's "Nether Regions" altogether on a "news" site.

Labels: Britney Spears, Fox News, Goats, Naughty, News, Paris Hilton, Wiggles

According to an article in gay.com "scientists" at Oregon State University at working to turn gay sheep straight.

I'm gonna give that sentence a moment or two to sink in. Gay sheep, turned straight. University of Oregon. Research. Working. "Scientists." Ok? Let's continue.

Gay sheep. Before you begin any serious discussion about gay sheep (if there can in fact BE a serious conversation about the sexual preference of domesticated animals) you must first ask yourself, "How do you know the sheep are gay?" If I was forced to guess I would have to say that perhaps the gay sheep spend an unhealthy amount of time in a fraternity, but that is hardly scientific. Who had the unenviable job of sorting through the herd of sheep and determining which of the rams like to be rammed? Presumably lonely, socially awkward farm kids. In which case, didn't the sheep really just have gay thrust upon him...so to speak?

But in order for the issue to move any farther I suppose we need to conceed the point that gay sheep do exist and that that is where fabulous sweaters come from. Ok, point taken. But then the question becomes, how does one make a gay sheep straight? I'll let the gay.com article handle that explanation.

"According to the animal rights group PETA, Oregon Health and Science University experimenter Charles Roselli is medicating sheep to prevent the actions of hormones in their fetal brains. Roselli is also dissecting the brains of "male-oriented" (homosexual) rams in order to find the hormonal mechanisms behind homosexual tendencies . Once found, he hopes to change them."

Ahhhh, well, there you have it. Find out and change it. Uh-huh. There couldn't be more straight forward a scientific practice than that. Find it and change it. Perfectly clear. In fairness he's not saying that he WILL change it, only that he HOPES to change it. This seems to fall under the Bush Administration's Office of Faith-Based Science.

And what possible good could come from this tax-supported science, you ask? "According to the grant applications, the experimenters plan to extrapolate the test results to humans -- with the insidious implication that homosexuality in people can be 'cured.'"

For those of you who are keeping score of the science initiatives the Bush Administration will fund that's a NO on curing diseases with stem cell research and a YES to curing homosexuality.

Labels: Anger, Gay, Gay.com, News, Politics, President Bush, Religion, Science, Weird News

Headline from New Zealand Herald, National News: Most Inmates Do Nothing In Jail.

Contradicting headline from Gay.com: Philly Mulls More Condoms in Prison.

Clearly these clever convicts are finding SOMETHING (or someONE) to do.

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According to the Science Daily, researcher Roger Angel at the University of Arizona has come up with a solution to global warming and I for one am shocked. Mostly because I didn't know there was any actual academics going on at the University of Arizona. The University of Arizona is routinely ranked in Playboy's list of top party schools, and I think Angel's proposed solution to global warming is evidence of that. He's suggesting that we place what is essentially a giant parasol over the world to protect it from the harmful effects of the sun. I'm guessing this replaces his original theory of replacing the ozone with SPF 15 sunscreen. And even that built off of his earlier "stay inside" research.

****
Discovery Channel News: Lifespan Longer in Low Body-Temp Mice.

Question: Why are we trying to prolong the life of mice anyway? Am I the only one who remembers the good old days when all we did to mice was give them cancer?

Labels: Cancer, Comedy, Gay, News, News Round Up

You know why the St. Louis Cardinals are so damned tough? Because St. Louis was just ranked the most dangerous city in the US. Yeah, where's the threat in being hit by a pitch when you're going toe to toe with death just getting to work everyday?!

Labels: Baseball, Crime Statistics, News

I woke up this morning to reports that North Korea had successfully tested a nuclear missle. The story on NPR was rather lengthy, but I was also rather tired. And while the story put up a good fight, sleep won out. When I woke a half an hour later I went to the computer to check the days headlines.

"North Korea Successfully Tests Nuclear Missile." Well, that's what it actually said, but what I read was "North DAKOTA Successfully Tests Nuclear Missile." And for some reason I found that much more frightening. Because, think about it, what do you really know about North Dakota? I mean, just the fact that there are two Dakotas automatically makes me a little suspicious. That to me says that one of them couldn't get along with the other so it packed up it's statehood and moved north. That's shifty.

But it wants us to believe otherwise. It's just a lonely little state up there on the border with Canada minding it's own business, right? But those are the types you've got to keep your eye on. You know what the neighbors always say when they find out they were living next to a serial killer: "He was so quiet, always kept to himself." I'm watching you North Dakota!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some sleep to catch up on.

Labels: News, North Korea, Nuclear War, Weird News

I have a lot of news on my Google Homepage. I try to read it everyday, but what usually ends up happening is that somewhere around 3a.m. I run out of time so I start scanning headlines and making up stories. Here's today's batch....

The BBC News UK Edition leads off with this curious tag: "Man 'Duped' Over Fertiliser Store." Who among us hasn't fallen prey to the siren song of the mythical fertilizer store?

The New Zealand Herald triumphantly reports that, "NZ Students Perform Well Compared to Others." Now come on New Zealand, you know better than to compare yourself to others. You are a beautiful and unique snowflake. There is not another country in the world who is exactly like you. You are precious and so are your students. Besides, how hard is it to perform well compared to American students? NZ, if you can find yourself on a map you're doing better than U.S. students, but I still don't think you should base your self esteem around it.

Fox News leads with this headline: "British Man Trampled To Death By Elephant While On Honeymoon." While CNN lead with a more modest and some would say more newsworthy: "Dam Collapse in Nigeria Destroys 1,500 Homes." Take note CNN, THAT is why Fox news is on top of the news game. They know what people want in their news: love, death and elephants.

Time Magazine has a story titled "Campaign 2006: The Republican's Secret Weapon" and "Why Torture is Still an Option." Presumably those are two separate stories, but don't be surprised if voting machines "require" electrodes to be placed on your genitals.

That's all from News Central. Good night and good riddance.

Labels: BBC News, CNN, Comedy, Elephants, Fertilizer, Fox News, Google, New Zealand, News, News Round Up, Nigeria, Republican Party, Time Magazine, Torture

Celebrities doing (usually court-mandated) charity work is nothing new. For years that was the only work that Robert Downey Jr. could get. So when I heard that Ricky Martin (yes THAT Ricky Martin) had established a charitable foundation I was hardly shocked. No, the shock didn't set in until I found out what kind of revolutionary things his foundation is fighting against. He's given musical instruments to Puerto Rican school children (take THAT peace and quiet!) and built houses for the homeless in Thailand (take THAT highway underpasses!) but the foundation's latest stance is sure to make waves. Ricky has decided to speak out against human trafficking. A bold move that is sure to anger pimps and smugglers everywhere.

And I gotta believe that he's really behind this move because it is kind of counter intuitive for him to oppose human trafficking. Why would he want to keep people from leaving small struggling countries that are devoid of food, hope and spicy Latin rhythms? Why would he want to keep them from arriving in the land of milk, honey and Tower Records? The short answer is, he wouldn't. But apparently his conscience is larger than his wallet will ever be so he has taken the bold stance of opposing slavery. And I am so moved by his humanitarianism and compassion that I am seriously considering not making a joke about him being smuggled into this country in someone's colon. No, no, no. I think I will take the high road and say nothing about him coming in someone's ass.

Labels: Charity Work, Gay, Music, News, Ricky Martin, Robert Downey Jr., Theater, Weird News

Willie Nelson was arrested earlier this week for possession of a pound and a half of marijuana. In other news "B" follows "A" and we breath oxygen.

Why does this continue to be news? You know what would make this story better (you know how I like to fix stories)? Some kind of novelty. "Willie Nelson Donates His Marijuana to Underprivileged Stoners." See, that has a twist to it. "Willie Nelson Dating Jessica Simpson." Ok, I didn't see that coming. Now I'm interested...creeped out and in need of a shower, but interested. "Willie Nelson Brokers Iranian Nuclear Pact." I saw Wag The Dog, I know how he rolls!

Labels: Celebrity, Embarassment, Hollywood, Lost Post, Marijuana, News, Wag The Dog, Weird News, Willie Nelson

Ok, did everyone else know this and just forget to tell me? How come I had to read about it in the Christian Science Monitor? The Army has its own video game?!

This is why satire is so hard: you have to stay ahead of the curve. Back in June I wrote a post about the video game Silent Scope where I suggested that the Army was using it as a new recruitment method like the alien army did in the movie The Last Starfighter (1984). Now I know a lot of you are thinking, "Hey, the army is reading your blog and putting your great , albeit alarmingly short-sighted ideas into action!" Well, think again. The video game came out in 1992. I was merely 14 years behind the diabolical masterminds at the Pentagon who were, in turn, 8 years behind Hollywood. I'm not sure who should be more embarrassed about that.

I would have never pegged Bush for a video game player, but it kind of makes its own warped sort of sense. When you start a new game (Iraqi Freedom, Democracy's Deathgrip!) it takes you awhile to get a hang of the strategy. In massive multi-player games there is a pretty steep learning curve, especially if you don't know where all the power ups (They aided Al-Queda, they had nuclear capabilities and SUPPORT THE TROOPS!) and hidden weapons caches are. And no matter how many first person shooters you play (like Afghanistani Apocalypse or Tora-Bora and the Terror Below!) they all have their own peculiar quirks (What do you mean they don't think of us as liberators? Well we'll show them! Now we'll never leave!) I'm sure the Bush administration is just looking for the reset button on Iraq so they can call a do-over. And you know, now that they know what the "evil-doers" will actually do it should go a lot more smoothly this time around.

Just a word of warning: the cheat codes you get from the Polish only allow you to use the word "coalition" in speeches. They don't give you any actual ammo. And you're gonna need a lot of ammo because I hear it takes 15 clips (and years of rhetoric) to finish off that last guy.

Labels: America's Army, Comedy, Embarassment, Hollywood, Lost Post, Military, News, Silent Scope, The Last Starfighter, Video Games

Mardin Amin, an Arab currently living in Skokie, Illinois (There's a sit-com there somewhere!), was charged with felony disorderly conduct after an August 16 incident at O'Hare International Airport. The security people checking his bag found an object they didn't recognize and asked him what it was. The security guard thought he said "bomb." The guard had him hauled away from his mother and daughter and he was detained for questioning.

Amin says he said, "pump", as in PENIS PUMP. And I believe Amin for two reasons. #1) No one carrying a bomb is going to buckle under the authority of an 80 year old TAS security screener and just blurt out BOMB. #2) He actually was carrying a penis pump. Why would he lie about that? Think about it, nobody would admit to carrying a penis pump if they didn't actually have a penis pump. No one hauls one of those babies out to impress people.

Now he could face up to three years in prison if found guilty of disorderly conduct. It's madness. He's embarrassed in front of his mother and daughter, charged with a felony for a misunderstanding and he basically has admitted in a court of law that he resorts to toys for stimulation. He's never getting laid again. Hasn't he suffered enough?

Labels: Chicago, Embarassment, Flying, News, Politics