The Intelligence Estimate

When I was in Des Moines last week I noticed a sign for a Catholic radio station. The radio station's call letters were KWKY. Really Catholics? Quickie? I guess when you rely on God and the rhythm method then a quickie's ok.

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I was walking to the store today to get a sandwich. I walked down the block and saw a young woman with her young daughter. The daughter was about a year and a half old. They started waving in my direction and I realized that Grandma was coming down the block behind me. So the young woman and her young daughter start running down the sidewalk in my direction to meet with Grandma. They get closer and closer (it's a long block) and they get giddier and giddier practically squealing with glee. Until the little girl gets right upon me. Then she turns very serious and looks up at me and says, "Walking here!"

How do they pack that much attitude on a frame that small? I couldn't be angry at her either because she was just adorable. It was like Joe Pesci coming out of Dakota Fanning. Surreal.

And for the record, I did find her amusing...like a clown.

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I saw another religious sign when I was in Des Moines last week. It said, "Prepare to Meet Thy God!" Now, I knew what they meant, but I couldn't help but feel like it was a roadside attraction of some kind. Like they actually had God in a tent out behind the barn. Man would ever have been cool!

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Our French neighbor downstairs is reading a book about the Nazis...there's a joke there somewhere.

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There was a tent revival on the lawn outside of an auto parts store in Des Moines. (They're a lot closer to God back there!) I'd seen it before but it always makes me laugh. It's so rare that one needs a socket set and salvation in the same day.

Labels: Chicago, Comedy

I walk past a small, independent book store everyday when I go to work. It has a bunch of rare and hard to find items in the window that regularly catch my attention. None so much as "Jugs: A Collector's Guide." Which, I'm sure you'll be just as shocked as I was to find out, is not about Wilt Chamberlain.

Labels: Books, Boystown, Chicago

I saw a cab driver pulled over by a cop today.

Think about that.

You know how horribly cab drivers drive normally? Well, they get away with that particular brand of arrogant disregard for public safety. So how much more terrifyingly awful do they have to be before the cops notice? What did this clown do to separate himself from the pack? Unless he ran over a cop and used his corpse for an antenna cover I don't see the boys in blue taking notice. Even if he did use a cop corpse as an antenna cozy I think the worst he'd get is a written warning.

Labels: Cab Driver, Chicago

I was walking to the train the route I always take. I turned right onto Troy Street headed toward Wilson Avenue. I had my iPod on and wasn't paying that much attention to my surroundings until I saw something our of the corner of my eye. (I would have used my whole eye, but between the ice and the dog crap I could only spare the corner.) I saw some motion and turned to pay it a little more attention. (Not my full attention because of the aforementioned ice and dog crap.)

I didn't see everything, but here is what I deduced had happened on the front porch of the house I was passing: The little old guy takes a quick look out the window and doesn't see anyone, he makes a mad dash outside (it's 16 degrees Fahrenheit here), sees me, gets spooked, grabs his paper and runs back inside as fast as his little old man legs will carry him.

This is however, just a deduction. I'm not certain of what happened because I only became aware of the old man's presence as he was headed back to the house with his paper. And I only remember that because he was not wearing shoes to go out and get the paper. In fairness, it would have looked kind of silly if he was wearing his shoes considering the fact that he had no pants on. But having no pants on was ok too because he was just wearing that little under shirt and pants would have made him feel naked from the waist up. No, better to go out in just your undershirt and underwear to grab the paper.

For those of you who were interested (and I don't even want to know who that might be) they were tighty whiteys...although they were neither tight nor particularly white anymore.

Labels: Chicago, Naughty

The other day I was at the gym and I decided to weigh myself. We don't have a scale at home so I only have a rough idea of what I weigh. Weighing myself is not normally something I do in public, but I decided that I needed to know the damage and I'll tell you why: that damned treadmill is nosy. When you get on the tread mill it asks you your age and weight. That irritated me when I first started going there. I mean, I fully expected it to start talking about politics and religion next. But I guess it needs the information to decide how much strain it can put on old fat people. Anyway, when I weighed myself the other day I realized that I had been under-reporting my weight to the treadmill by a full 7 pounds. I account for this error by telling myself that muscle weighs more than fat and since going to the gym I had now gained seven pounds pure muscle. (This is one of several lies my world is based around, like: this train is perfectly hygienic, dry cleaning is possible and cats DON'T want my eyes.) But now I feel bad because I lied to the treadmill.

Labels: Chicago, Gym, Weight, Workout

According to a Fox News story United Airlines employees at O'Hare International Airport (one of TWO airports here in Chicago. Midway is the other one...and it seems to me there was a third one by the lake at one time too, but it's closed down now.) claim to have seen a UFO.

"'Our theory on this is that it was a weather phenomenon,' (Federal Aviation Administration Representative Elizabeth)Cory said. 'That night was a perfect atmospheric condition in terms of low (cloud) ceiling and a lot of airport lights. When the lights shine up into the clouds, sometimes you can see funny things.'The FAA is not investigating, Cory said."

Thank God the FAA isn't investigating. I think it's time to institute random drug testing at United Airlines. This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. Everyone knows that the UFOs land at Midway!

Labels: Airports, Chicago, UFOs, Weird News

The Chicago Transit Authority is renovating the Brown Line and that means building new stations. Mine is currently closed and I am taking the next one over. This has caused me to venture into new, more commercial areas of my new neighborhood instead of the strictly residential path I took to my old station.

On my old path I walked past stately mansions, quaint bungalows and the kind of aggressively friendly people the make the neighborhood watch entirely unnecessary. My new path is decidedly more urban and a lot more fun from a "stuff to blog about" point of view.

I passed an H and R Block office that had a neon sign in the window advertising their "bookeeping" services. I know this is wrong because bookkeeping is the only word in the English language to feature three consecutive sets of double letters. (If you ever win money with that information, I want half!) My wife suggested to me that they actually have a boo-keeping service. I'm not entirely sure what that is, but I imagine the demand for it drops off sharply after Halloween.

There is an antique mover that I pass everyday. I know what they mean, but I prefer to think that when they go off to a job a bunch of mummies pile out of the building and trot to the truck. I don't know why but the thought of them moving a pull-out couch to the top of a two flat amuses me.

I also pass a rather large and remarkable well-lit liquor store. The other day when I was walking to the train I noticed that, on the counter right next to the cash register, they had condoms. The implication being that in order to use one you have to apply the other. I'm sure if you ask nicely the kindly old Arab gentleman behind the counter will even show you how to put on the condom using a thin bottle of pinot grigio. Just be careful popping the cork.

Labels: Alcohol, Chicago, CTA, Moving, Taxes

I'm so sorry that I have delayed you. I know I can never be excused for impeding your progress. Please extend my apologies to your family, friends, and any organ donation recipients I may have kept you from.

Please let me explain. First off, I was lost. Secondly, the automatic toll collector was not recognizing that I had put in my 30 cents. Thirdly, this was the second time I had fed the toll collector and it still refused to accept my money. Problems were mounting.

Still, my little pile of misfortunes must be nothing compared to the stress of being momentarily delayed for literally dozens of seconds while I fished for more coins. I don't mean to compare our situations for that would just be adding insult to your already grave injury. How was I to know that my stopping of your forward momentum was going to cause your children to flunk out of parochial school while simultaneously ripping open the ozone layer and collecting small puppies to use as kindling in my spotted owl BBQ?! Truth be told, I could not know. Luckily
you were there with some kind words to point me in the right direction. And for that I thank you kind traveller.

You are truly a credit to humanity and I hope whoever you were travelling to is as appreciative of your generosity of spirit as I am.

Labels: Chicago, Jerks, Travel

The Lakeview East Chamber of Commerce is having a month-long public art exhibition. Despite the fact that I work in the neighborhood on a daily basis, the only proof I have of that fact are the brochures that litter our office. Here is the average description of the installations on display.

"Operation Planet Earth: A multimedia experience in which the students of Nettlehorst School participate in and celebrate saving the environment. Costumes and handmade musical instruments in a public parade lead down N. Broadway will enliven streetscape with awakening the importance of a month long educational recycling program and its importance with practicalities in daily creativity."

Here's the TV Guide version of that: Kids have a parade, recycle, learn lesson about environment.

I have seldom heard more tortured prose outside the walls of an asylum. Enliven the streetscape? I think she means that the kids will be loud and obnoxious in that way that only little caffeine-fueled, sugar missiles can be. And you know what? Punctuation likes you, why don't you like punctuation?

What is educational recycling? I had a history teacher in junior high that had been at the school since my parents were in junior high. Max Geers was his name. He used the same text books and the same study guides for all of those years. His theory was the history hadn't changed and he wasn't going to either. THAT is educational recycling.

This was clearly undertaken by someone who writes grants for a living. Strunk and White must be on a rotisserie spit in hell right now.

Labels: Arts and Crafts, Belmont, Boystown, Chicago, Lakeview Neighborhood, School

Overheard walking down Belmont towards the train while wearing my messenger bag:

"I need to get a messenger bag so I can fit in with the rest of the homos in the city."

"You mean like THAT one?" (points at me)

It is certainly better to fit in with the homos than to stand out among the assholes.

Labels: Boystown, Chicago, Gay, Lost Post

Seen on the window of a sushi place around the corner from our place, a sign that reads: "WE WANTED DISH WASHER."

I wasn't sure if that was a request or a rebuke, but I was pretty sure I was never going to eat there. First of all, it's raw fish and now they may be serving it on dirty dishes. Your chance of living through to dessert just drop by 83%.

Labels: Chicago, Signs

Mardin Amin, an Arab currently living in Skokie, Illinois (There's a sit-com there somewhere!), was charged with felony disorderly conduct after an August 16 incident at O'Hare International Airport. The security people checking his bag found an object they didn't recognize and asked him what it was. The security guard thought he said "bomb." The guard had him hauled away from his mother and daughter and he was detained for questioning.

Amin says he said, "pump", as in PENIS PUMP. And I believe Amin for two reasons. #1) No one carrying a bomb is going to buckle under the authority of an 80 year old TAS security screener and just blurt out BOMB. #2) He actually was carrying a penis pump. Why would he lie about that? Think about it, nobody would admit to carrying a penis pump if they didn't actually have a penis pump. No one hauls one of those babies out to impress people.

Now he could face up to three years in prison if found guilty of disorderly conduct. It's madness. He's embarrassed in front of his mother and daughter, charged with a felony for a misunderstanding and he basically has admitted in a court of law that he resorts to toys for stimulation. He's never getting laid again. Hasn't he suffered enough?

Labels: Chicago, Embarassment, Flying, News, Politics

This fine looking piece of precision crafted automobile is the 2006 Jaguar S-TYPE R. It features such amenities as:

-400-horsepower supercharged 4.2-liter V8 -•5.3-second 0-60 mph acceleration
-DVD-based Navigation system
-Bluetooth ® wireless technology
-Contoured, 16-way driver and 12-way passenger heated seats with driver memory
-Gray-stained Bird´s-eye Maple wood trim
-Available race-inspired aluminum trim

And it is priced to move starting at a modest $63,995.

I was stuck behind one of these for ages today waiting for the driver to scrape together $.60 for the toll. Apparently $64,000 is exactly enough money to insulate you from other people's rage.

Labels: Anger, Chicago, Comedy

The musical Wicked has been playing in Chicago for over a year now and its popularity shows no signs of waning. This is mostly due to the fact that its fan base is 14 year old girls who wouldn't know good theater if Kander and Ebb both bit them on the ass. Working at the Blue Man Group I see a lot of these same 14 year old girls at our theater too. And I know that we get that same demographic because they are all wearing THIS:












What marketing genius decided that barely pubescent girls need to have DEFY GRAVITY written across their chest? Isn't that just bragging? Gravity hasn't had a chance to work it's dark arts on them yet, but it will. Soon they'll need larger and more complicated feats of engineering to maintain the veneer of youth that came so easy in their teens. Gravity is a harsh mistress! Then one day they wake up and realize that no matter how much work they put into it, no matter how they primp and preen and tuck, no matter how they gird themselves against reality, all signs still point south. It's a short trip from that realization to becoming the crazy cat-lady on the edge of town who spends her social security money on lotto tickets and TV dinners. Come back in 30 years and we'll see who's defiant then.

In other boobie news, Janet Jackson has decided that the best way to show off the results of her recent diet is to pose topless for Vibe Magazine. As you may remember the world has already seen her breasts on live television during the Super Bowl half time show. When Vibe asked how she feels about all the attention she gain from that display she had this to say, "It's just over and done with. It's old. It's the past. It's history. I'm onto something new. Everybody got their licks in - those who wanted to - and it's done."

Now, I'm no publicist, but here's a quick list of words and phrases you wanna avoid when referring to your 40 year old breasts:

Over and done with
Old
In the past
History
Everybody got their licks in

I guess since Michael disappeared off the face of the Earth there has been a void of Jackson Family brand weirdness in the press. Thanks for stepping up Janet, but really, Tito could use the work.

Labels: Celebrity, Chicago, Comedy, Hollywood, Theater

Before I begin this post, let me remind everyone that my mom subscribes to this blog. And at times this space can get a little racy. So, as a token of goodwill, I would like to start out with a word to her: "Aren't recipe's GREAT?!"

Ok, that link should keep her busy for hours. But just in case she tries to sneak back in here I'm gonna post this too....














She'll be so mesmerized by the cuteness she may never recover.

Now, I don't know how I became the collector of rare and odd iPod accessory knowledge, but this is the most bizarre one ever. Honestly, I'm not sure how I feel about this. It's the iPod vibrator called the OhMiBod. (I guess I feel...tingley?!)

It's the ultimate in plug-and-play-with-yourself technology. You plug the vibrator into your iPod earphone jack (you plug the other end somewhere completely different!) and then it vibrates to the rhythm and intensity of the music.

Here is an actual question from the OhMiBod FAQ page:

"Q: Can I use OhMiBod in the car?
A: The simple answer is yes - but we don't recommend it (could be a bit distracting to your driving). But if you are a passenger - we say go for it!"

For the record I'd just like to state that in Chicago it is illegal to use your cell phone while operating an automobile. I think this is a touch more distracting than that. But I can't wait until the legislation catches up to this! Those open hearings will elicit testimony that will necessitate city council meetings have a cover charge and a two drink minimum!

You can even go on iTunes and download OhMiBod playlists featuring songs that give you the most bang for your buck...literally. There are playlists with as few as 5 songs or as many as 15 songs. Frankly, if you need 15 songs, well you're just bragging.

Labels: Chicago, Comedy, iPod, Naughty