The Intelligence Estimate

Loud woman talking loudly on her loud cell phone in an otherwise quiet Linens N' Things yesterday: "They ain't discreet about your shit. (*pause*) I SAID THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS AIN'T DISCREET WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR SHIT."

Labels: Cell Phones, Communication, Embarassment

Willie Nelson was arrested earlier this week for possession of a pound and a half of marijuana. In other news "B" follows "A" and we breath oxygen.

Why does this continue to be news? You know what would make this story better (you know how I like to fix stories)? Some kind of novelty. "Willie Nelson Donates His Marijuana to Underprivileged Stoners." See, that has a twist to it. "Willie Nelson Dating Jessica Simpson." Ok, I didn't see that coming. Now I'm interested...creeped out and in need of a shower, but interested. "Willie Nelson Brokers Iranian Nuclear Pact." I saw Wag The Dog, I know how he rolls!

Labels: Celebrity, Embarassment, Hollywood, Lost Post, Marijuana, News, Wag The Dog, Weird News, Willie Nelson

Ok, did everyone else know this and just forget to tell me? How come I had to read about it in the Christian Science Monitor? The Army has its own video game?!

This is why satire is so hard: you have to stay ahead of the curve. Back in June I wrote a post about the video game Silent Scope where I suggested that the Army was using it as a new recruitment method like the alien army did in the movie The Last Starfighter (1984). Now I know a lot of you are thinking, "Hey, the army is reading your blog and putting your great , albeit alarmingly short-sighted ideas into action!" Well, think again. The video game came out in 1992. I was merely 14 years behind the diabolical masterminds at the Pentagon who were, in turn, 8 years behind Hollywood. I'm not sure who should be more embarrassed about that.

I would have never pegged Bush for a video game player, but it kind of makes its own warped sort of sense. When you start a new game (Iraqi Freedom, Democracy's Deathgrip!) it takes you awhile to get a hang of the strategy. In massive multi-player games there is a pretty steep learning curve, especially if you don't know where all the power ups (They aided Al-Queda, they had nuclear capabilities and SUPPORT THE TROOPS!) and hidden weapons caches are. And no matter how many first person shooters you play (like Afghanistani Apocalypse or Tora-Bora and the Terror Below!) they all have their own peculiar quirks (What do you mean they don't think of us as liberators? Well we'll show them! Now we'll never leave!) I'm sure the Bush administration is just looking for the reset button on Iraq so they can call a do-over. And you know, now that they know what the "evil-doers" will actually do it should go a lot more smoothly this time around.

Just a word of warning: the cheat codes you get from the Polish only allow you to use the word "coalition" in speeches. They don't give you any actual ammo. And you're gonna need a lot of ammo because I hear it takes 15 clips (and years of rhetoric) to finish off that last guy.

Labels: America's Army, Comedy, Embarassment, Hollywood, Lost Post, Military, News, Silent Scope, The Last Starfighter, Video Games

According to a story in the Guardian Unlimited Chinese surgeons have attached a donor penis to a man who lost his in an accident. (As opposed to someone who honestly misplaced it. Try between the couch cushions because it's always in the last place you look!)

The accident left the man with a one centimeter (less than a 1/4 0f an inch for Americans, Burmese and Liberians who are the only people in the world who can't wrap their heads around the metric system) penis. When the surgery was complete he was endowed with a 10 centimeter, or roughly 4 inch (Come on! Metric is so logical, what's the problem?!) penis. Now, that doesn't sound like the surgeons did him any favors, but presumably that 4 inches is a penis at leisure. When roused to action who knows what kind of heavy lifting he'll be capable of accomplishing.

The surgeons announced the the body had fully accepted the new member and that it had a robust blood supply and the man was able to urinate normally.

Then, half way through the article they unleash my favorite paragraph in the history of the written word: "Although the operation was a surgical success, surgeons said they had to remove the penis two weeks later. 'Because of a severe psychological problem of the recipient and his wife, the transplanted penis regretfully had to be cut off,' Dr (Weilie) Hu said."

Wow, who could have seen that coming? The surgery was a success, but we're taking the penis back. No, really, we're keeping it. Just drop it on the table when you leave, ok? And don't you can fool us, we're patting you down when you walk outta here!

And how about that tactful bedside manner, huh? His penis "had to be cut off." Presumably that was the third or fourth draft of that press statement. I'm sure the early drafts were much worse. "His penis was hacked from his body. No, not descriptive enough. His engorged man meat was savagely sawed from his battered body. Good, good, good. Nice alliteration. Let's shoot it round to the boys in PR and see what they think."

And for as emasculating as it is to lose your penis once, how much more embarrassing is it to lose it twice? That's just careless. Forget the couch cushions, you got bigger problems.

They never go into the specifics of what that "psychological problem" he and his wife had with it, but I imagine it was the sex with the stranger in his pants that queered the deal. I also like to think that maybe he starting having affairs all over town and tried to cover it with, "but honey I can hardly be responsible for this it's not even MY penis!" How sad to have your life reduced to a third rate Benny Hill sketch.

Labels: Embarassment, Lost Post, Marriage, Medical Oddities, Penis, Weird News

Mardin Amin, an Arab currently living in Skokie, Illinois (There's a sit-com there somewhere!), was charged with felony disorderly conduct after an August 16 incident at O'Hare International Airport. The security people checking his bag found an object they didn't recognize and asked him what it was. The security guard thought he said "bomb." The guard had him hauled away from his mother and daughter and he was detained for questioning.

Amin says he said, "pump", as in PENIS PUMP. And I believe Amin for two reasons. #1) No one carrying a bomb is going to buckle under the authority of an 80 year old TAS security screener and just blurt out BOMB. #2) He actually was carrying a penis pump. Why would he lie about that? Think about it, nobody would admit to carrying a penis pump if they didn't actually have a penis pump. No one hauls one of those babies out to impress people.

Now he could face up to three years in prison if found guilty of disorderly conduct. It's madness. He's embarrassed in front of his mother and daughter, charged with a felony for a misunderstanding and he basically has admitted in a court of law that he resorts to toys for stimulation. He's never getting laid again. Hasn't he suffered enough?

Labels: Chicago, Embarassment, Flying, News, Politics