Two weeks ago I was exercising in my living room with the "help" of Nintendo's Wii Fit. When it came time to weigh myself at the end of my session I was told that the Wii balance board was out of battery power and the only way to proceed was to change the batteries immediately. "No problem," I thought. "I'll burn off more calories looking for batteries and show this thing who's boss.
I got batteries and put them in the bottom of the balance board, turned it on and carefully flipped it over. The screen beeped at me. That's when I noticed that the weight of my hand on the board and the motion of the board hitting the floor registered as my weight, 0.62 lbs.
Apparently the extra weight I burned off looking for those batteries was beneficial in ways I even now can't comprehend.
Suddenly the screen started congratulating me on meeting my weight loss goal (to lose 20 lbs in a year) ahead of schedule. It didn't seem to concerned that the Wiimote weighs more than 0.62 lbs. It also didn't wonder about how I had gone about losing an amazing 216 pounds in the course of ONE WORK OUT. Details.
Then it suggested that I make a NEW workout goal. It suggested that 0.62 pounds may be a dangerous weight to be at so why not try building up some muscle mass? Why not indeed. At a little more than half a pound I should have no trouble finding heavy things to lift.
It would not let me advance any further or take my weight measurement again until I had made a new goal. Now being a game geared toward fat Americans it would not allow me to make a goal of GAINING weight. So the only goal I could choose from their menu was to MAINTAIN MY CURRENT WEIGHT. And the shortest time frame they gave me was 2 weeks. So That's the goal I made.
I then went back to take my weight measurement again. This time it measured me correctly and was simply appalled that I had gained 216 pounds since our last measurement.
So in the world according to Wii Fit you can never be too thin. Losing 216 pounds in a half an hour is commendable. Gaining 216 pounds in 3 minutes is shocking.
Imagine its disappointment today when I weighed myself again and, despite having lost a few pound in the intervening 2 weeks, I still hadn't maintained my old fighting weight of 0.62 pounds. But I am back on the trail. I am eating lightning and crapping thunder and one day I will be a contender again!
Labels: Video Games, Weight, Weight Loss, Wii Fit
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0 Comments Published by Chris on Tuesday, September 19, 2006 at 10:14 AM.
Ok, did everyone else know this and just forget to tell me? How come I had to read about it in the Christian Science Monitor? The Army has its own video game?!
This is why satire is so hard: you have to stay ahead of the curve. Back in June I wrote a post about the video game Silent Scope where I suggested that the Army was using it as a new recruitment method like the alien army did in the movie The Last Starfighter (1984). Now I know a lot of you are thinking, "Hey, the army is reading your blog and putting your great , albeit alarmingly short-sighted ideas into action!" Well, think again. The video game came out in 1992. I was merely 14 years behind the diabolical masterminds at the Pentagon who were, in turn, 8 years behind Hollywood. I'm not sure who should be more embarrassed about that.
I would have never pegged Bush for a video game player, but it kind of makes its own warped sort of sense. When you start a new game (Iraqi Freedom, Democracy's Deathgrip!) it takes you awhile to get a hang of the strategy. In massive multi-player games there is a pretty steep learning curve, especially if you don't know where all the power ups (They aided Al-Queda, they had nuclear capabilities and SUPPORT THE TROOPS!) and hidden weapons caches are. And no matter how many first person shooters you play (like Afghanistani Apocalypse or Tora-Bora and the Terror Below!) they all have their own peculiar quirks (What do you mean they don't think of us as liberators? Well we'll show them! Now we'll never leave!) I'm sure the Bush administration is just looking for the reset button on Iraq so they can call a do-over. And you know, now that they know what the "evil-doers" will actually do it should go a lot more smoothly this time around.
Just a word of warning: the cheat codes you get from the Polish only allow you to use the word "coalition" in speeches. They don't give you any actual ammo. And you're gonna need a lot of ammo because I hear it takes 15 clips (and years of rhetoric) to finish off that last guy.
Labels: America's Army, Comedy, Embarassment, Hollywood, Lost Post, Military, News, Silent Scope, The Last Starfighter, Video Games
