The Intelligence Estimate

Only an estimate. Actual intelligence may vary.


Don't Sugar Coat It!

I had my evaluation today. It was overwhelmingly positive. But, you know me: I can only focus on the negative. So I say to the crew member whose criticism of me was that I am "a little tall," I am working on it. Next year I WILL BE SHORTER!

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Kelly's Corner: The Weather

My friend Kelly, who you may remember as our first ever guest blogger, has expanded his journalistic scope a bit...or perhaps it's just a cry for help. No, upon closer inspection it's just a cry for attention. Well, knowing his fragile mental state, I'm happy to oblige. And now, though no one asked for it, I am happy to bring to you another episode in what looks to be a regular feature: Kelly's Corner.

"I don’t know what the weather conditions are like where you all are, but it’s at critical mass here. I thought it was bad enough that I was without cable TV for three hours, but things have gotten worser; we lost our NPR radio signal. Oh, the humanity.

It’s been touch and go these last few hours. Local politicians have requested the governor call up the National Guard, but so far, no go. The governor replied that due to budget restraints the best he can do is to put a call into the Harlem Globetrotters; he said they owe him one ever since they dumped a bucket of confetti on his mistress. But that may not help. The social fabric is starting to unravel at an exponential rate. Well, ok. I’m not good at math, so maybe it’s not actually doubling in on itself, maybe more like, half. Three quarters in the fraternity district of the UNI. And, it has gotten so bad that church leaders are asking looters to steer away from the rich; as an incentive they are offering an emergency 24 hour absolution pass to those who pledge to target only used car salesmen or Unitarians.

It’s gotten to the point that TV news reporters have stopped using the cliché “Pandemonium in the streets” and have upgraded to “Jim, it’s total Chaos out here. Back to you.” The station manager of channel 7 news has threatened that if things don’t improve he is authorizing roving reporters to include the words Bedlam, Hullabaloo, and Cubs Win! Cubs Win! In their newscast.

Crazy times, indeed."

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I Got Your Collection Right Here!

I walk past a small, independent book store everyday when I go to work. It has a bunch of rare and hard to find items in the window that regularly catch my attention. None so much as "Jugs: A Collector's Guide." Which, I'm sure you'll be just as shocked as I was to find out, is not about Wilt Chamberlain.

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If I Only Had a Brain

From the Internet Movie Database news:

"Britney Spears is "on the verge of a nervous breakdown" a tattooist who witnessed her shocking Friday makeover maintains. The singer and mother of two stunned fans and paparazzi photographers when she walked into a hairdressing salon in Los Angeles and asked a stylist to cut all her hair off. When the hairdresser refused, Spears grabbed some clippers, and can be seen in snaps shearing herself bald. The 25-year-old was then followed as she drove to a tattoo parlor and had two images etched; a pair of bright red lips on her wrist and a black, white and pink cross on her lower hip. Tattooist Emily Wynne-Hughes, who was in the shop, now fears the drastic new look is a stark warning of Spears' emotional instability. She says, "After (Britney) left, we said to each other, 'We just saw a huge celebrity on the verge of a nervous breakdown.' She seemed really distraught and disturbed. She was very scatterbrained. It was crazy, very surreal. She's definitely crying out." Unconfirmed press reports claim the singer was later spotted wearing a dark wig at the Cedars Sinai Medical Center in Beverly Hills, where she briefly spoke to staff in a private room."

Dear Ms. Wynne-Hughes,

I realize as a person who works in tattoos that you might not be familiar with Britney's oeuvre, and that's ok. God knows I wish I wasn't familiar with it. I think my world would be a better place if I'd never seen her skanking around in that Catholic schoolgirl outfit. However, the damage is already done and, for better or worse, she is in my consciousness. And while I respect your opinion, I have to tell you that her being "disturbed" and "scatterbrained" is as far from news as the fact that the day follows night. I mean, she married Kevin Federline for Christ's sake! If that wasn't a desperate cry for attention, I don't know what was! So in summation, there is a reason that Condi Rice is hosting the middle east summit and not Brit...and it's not just the haircut!

Sincerely,
Some Jerk

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Puppy Love

Last weekend I went to Decorah, Iowa for the baptism of my step nephew Andrew. Andrew is the little brother of Sierra. Sierra is in LOVE with Andrew. She loves being around him and hugging him and talking about him. And Andrew, for his part, is very quiet. So much so that Sierra noted, "We got a tame one." Not housebroken, but tame. Which is all well and good until she tries to have him neutered.

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Guest Writer

My friend Kelly likes to rant. I know that sounds odd coming from me given the average content of my blog. But my rants go online for the world to ignore. Kelley's are e-mailed out to a handful of friends to ignore. I consider mine publishing, while his are just desperate cries for attention. (Not that mine AREN'T desperate cries for attention...but geez, I gotta make a distinction if for no other reason than my own ego demands it.)

Anyway, Kelly's rants are the usual garden variety annoyances: how come no one writes any good music anymore? (an ongoing diatribe), punk kids stole my clothes from the laundromat (that lasted a few weeks and produced a manifesto), will this rash EVER go away? (The consensus seems to be "No, it won't.") But every so often one of his rants slips through the cracks, transcends his petty grievances and is REALLY funny. Such was the case when I got to my inbox today. Here is his latest e-mail:

'I’m not a lawyer, but wouldn’t the clear-cut definition of a “flight risk” be:

A diaper wearing, BB gun tote’n, love-scorned astro-nut?

“Your honor, if it pleases the court, the state is asking the defendant be remanded, we feel she is a good candidate to skip bail and leave the planet.”

If we can’t extradite a murder suspect from France, how are we supposed to get her back if she goes into orbit?

Plus, if she is in jail, you’ll have to keep an eye on her at all times: she can make a shiv out of duct tape.

Please note I did not cheapen this with the “depends” pun. I’ll leave that to Leno. '

Thank you, Kelly's here all week. Try the veal. Don't forget to tip the wait staff! GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY!

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Crabby Patties!

According to a billboard at by the airport (and when have THEY ever lied to me?) Hooters now has crab legs. Hooters has crabs? Personally, I think they had crabs long before now, but they just never got tested.

Anyway, this reminded me of the first time I ever went to Hooters. I was in college and my roommate at the time, Mike, didn't drink anything with caffeine. So when he ordered his meal, he got milk...and free refills. Mike assured me that most restaurants do NOT have free refills on milk as it is a more precious commodity than soda. I figured then that the milk must have been fresh squeezed.

Which begs the question, is it all you can eat crab legs? You might wanna stick to the chicken wings.

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Overheard in Iowa

Direct quotes from an ENORMOUS fat man in Decorah, Iowa:

"I ain't afraid of no beer!"

Really? Looks like you're also not too proud to chase them down with a few fried chickens either.

"I can't eat too much or else I'll fall asleep while I'm driving."

First of all, yes you CAN eat too much. I think the tension on that poor belt is a testament to that. And secondly, I think a more pressing concern for you is falling asleep in a bowl of gravy without a life preserver.

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God Is Calling Me Home

Signs I've seen since being back in Iowa:

"Honk if you loved Jesus" -Billboard

"Smile, your mom chose life." -Billboard

"Smart people know the bible." -Billboard

"Catholic schools put the good news back in education." -Table tent at various restaurants

And my personal favorite:

"The only judgement day: father God, not mother earth."

Now if you'll excuse me I need to prepare for my bible study and cross burning!

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