The Intelligence Estimate

Only an estimate. Actual intelligence may vary.


Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful...

So I was recently back in Iowa for a weekend to perform with my former improv troupe. Before I left to come back to Chicago I was told that the troupe had created a MySpace account to promote themselves. Having recently created a MySpace account myself, I was eager to go link my account to theirs. So, I went to MySpace and entered in the search criteria to find people in and around Des Moines.

Now, that part of the story was mostly for the benefit of my wife, as it explains how I stumbled upon this picture of a half naked girl who goes by the name "leahrockingout." She was wearing a black bikini in the picture and her head was cropped out of the photo. Intrigued, as anyone would be, I clicked on her picture. This lead me to a full page of pictures of Leah, all with the heads missing, all of them featuring her in various stages of undress.

"I need to read THIS bio," I thought.

Here is her bio with the occasional editorial comment.

"I am a 21 y/o from West Des Moines, IA. I am currently attending IA State and am majoring in English. I do some modeling on the side which is why I don't want to put pictures of my face on here."

Ok, WHAT? You model. You're beautiful...for money. You're job is "getting your face out there." You are paid to have people look at you. You are, essentially, professionally pretty. So, you don't want to go ahead and just give away all that prettiness for free, so you ONLY PUT A PICTURE OF YOUR HALF NAKED BODY ON THE SITE?! This says one of three things to me: A) she's skunk's ass ugly, B) she's a hand model, or C) her head is hugely misproportioned from lugging around that intellect everywhere she goes.

" Pretty much I just like to have a good time." Get out, really?! "I guess you could call me a party girl..." (like they do at all the MENSA meetings) "...but I promise you will like my personality way more than my ass."

Which is why the site was crammed with pictures of her...um...personality. Oh yeah, all the boys are lining up at a chance to get up close to and possibly go home with her personality. Which is why the next field on her profile made me laugh out loud. It's entitled "Who I'd Like To Meet."

"Hot guys and girls who want to go with the flow, be real, and have a good time."

HOT guys and girls! Because if you're gonna do something as intellectually rigorous as "go with the flow", or "be real" it would be a shame to have to do it with someone who might have a great personality but just an ok ass.

So, in summation, if you're looking to discuss post-modern feminism or the relative merits of the electoral college you night want to look elsewhere. However, if you'd like to get sexually frustrated by someone with an inflated sense of self worth then the line starts here! Take a number boys!

(EDIT: in an earlier edition of this post I neglected to include pics of Ms. Rockinout. Today we rectify that situation: )

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v717/cgummert/128293444_m.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v717/cgummert/128286775_m.jpg


Congratulations, It's An Element!

So I was taking an on-line quiz today that asked something about the periodic table of elements. When they revealed the answer to that question it turns out I'd gotten it wrong, but they provided a link you could follow and learn more about the elements and the people that discovered them. Well, as I perused the table (that's right, I PERUSED! I used to ogle tables, but I was young and impetuous then and those days are behind me.) and I found out that the two newest elements (Ununquadiurr and Ununhexium) had been discovered in 1998 and 2000. When I found out I was giddy as a school girl. I had only one thought, "Where do I send the presents?" So I looked up the Joint Institute for Nuclear Research in Dubna, Russia (the place where the elements were discovered) and found an e-mail address for the director of the institute. His name is Vladimir Georgievich Kadyshevsky. So I e-mailed him this letter...

*****
Dear Director Kadyshevsky,

I understand that congratulations are in order! Ununquadiurr (114)AND Ununhexium (116), wow! Boy, just when you think the periodic table is full, huh? "Nope, no more room for elements here, we're closed forbusiness. Thanks for your interest, we have all the elements we need!" But then you and your team come along and say, "Oh yeah? Idon't think so! I'm coming to this party! I think you hear me knocking and I'm coming in with my friends Ununquadirir andUnunhexium! Get me some Buffalo wings!" Yeah!

Sorry these congratulations are so overdue. Your baby elements are now 5 and 7 respectively, right? Wow, do you have any pictures of them from their first day of school? Ha, ha, just kidding! I JUST found out about this! Can you believe it? I mean, if Tom Cruise blows his nose it makes the news and I hear about it. But this Imiss...and keep on missing for seven years! Man, can I get on your e-mail list or something? I don't want to miss the next big element! I feel just awful. Is there somewhere I can send a card or some flowers or a nice ice cream cake? Please let me know as soon as possible!

Anyway, I don't want to keep you. I know you're very busy...and probably overdue to discover another element! Congratulations.

-Chris Gummert
Chicago, Illinois
USA

PS- Is there anywhere you'd recommend for the ice cream cake?

******

If you'd like to learn more here's the link to the Joint Institute for Nuclear Research:cv.jinr.ru/

And here's the e-mail address for the director, Vladimir Georgievich Kadyshevsky:kadyshev@jinr.ru

Rapids Transit

Jen and I were riding the train up to Evanston last night to go to a friend's party. In order to get there we have to ride the Red Line and then transfer to the Purple Line. There weren't a lot of people on our train car, so it was relatively quiet. Before we switched trains I heard a sound in the back of the car. At first I didn't pay it any mind, but it was a presistant and increasingly alarming noise. It sounded like a pipe or a hose had broken and all of the fluid trapped in it was spilling out.

I should stop here to tell you that the elevated trains in Chicago are an amazing and efficient form of transportation, and I love them. However, I can't ever fully get comfortable on them because I can't shake the feeling that at any minute we are going to careen of the tracks, fly through the air and end up in the living room of someone's condo. There is a certain roller coaster feel to them. So, that being said, when I hear what could possibly be brake fluid or, God forbid, GASOLINE spilling all over our car, I get a little shaken.

So I turned around and I see a mother and three small children near where the noise is coming from. Now I'm concerned that they may be near the epi-center of the evilness when the shit hits the fan. I turned around and tried to think of all of the amazing action hero things I could do to save myself, my wife and this family. Several minutes and many GREAT rescue scenarios later I was pulled from my planning by smallest child saying, "Look at all this PEE!"

It is ONLY THEN that the mother first becomes aware that her child is not only befouling the train with his urine but also standing in it as well. As the mother feigns disgust the rapids start flowing towards us...but the stink had already hit.

To you dear reader, I pose this question, "How do you NOT notice something like that?" I was a good 15 feet away and I heard the kid whizzing all over the train, how did SHE miss it? She was sitting right in front of the kid. Chances are she could hear it, and with a 3-year old's aim being what it is, she probably felt it as well.

I mean, to put it in perspective, it would be like standing at the BASE of Niagra Falls and saying, "Where's the water?"

There are signs everywhere that say, "No Panhandling," "Do Not Use Door Between Trains Unless In An Emergency," "No Food or Drink Allowed on ther Train." But nowhere does it explicitly forbid you from painting the floor with this morning's Hi-C!

Big Mensa Brain

As you may or may not know my wife is currently enrolled in an accelerated nursing program. Usually a nursing degree takes around 3 years to complete, but Jen will have her degree in 13 months. Because of the fast paced nature of the coursework she is already done with a "semester" of classes despite the fact that she's been in school for less than 6 weeks.

I got a panicked e-mail from Jen today alerting me to the fact that she was not at all pleased with her GPA. I thought, "Geez, you have like three tests a week...how can they expect you to do well." Then I found out that the GPA she wasn't pleased with was a 3.0. I was aghast.

I mean, I knew she was smart but...come on?! 3.0 in an accelerated program is off the charts in a regular program! With all the new information being crammed into her head I'm amazed that she can still remember things like, oh I don't know, her name?! She's astounding. I used to get 3's and 4's in my GPA too, but never IN FRONT of the decimal. And I got a LIBERAL ARTS DEGREE from a STATE SCHOOL!

My gawd, I love this woman...because she's smart enough to not need me, but, inexplicably, she still wants to be with me! Let's hope she never gets any wiser on THAT score!

Random, Unrelated Thoughts

Ok, it's been awhile since I've posted here so I feel obligated to say something. So, to that end, here is a series of completely unrelated stories (or bits of stories) that I have no other place for. That's right, I'm going for sheer quantity over quality. For all you Stephen King fans, you won't even notice the difference.

Enjoy!

****
I was waiting for the bus the other day and I noticed that there were a lot more people waiting than normal. I thought, "Well, it's the weekend. There's just more people OUT right now." And that was right, a little short-sighted, but right. It was the first weekend of The Taste of Chicago, the first game in the second Cubs-Sox series, and the weekend of PrideFest. So the bus was PACKED. I was the last person CRAMMED onto the bus. My ass was pressed against the glass of the door. (My appologies to whoever has to clean those doors!) It reminded me of those pictures of people hanging off the sides of locomotives in India.

***
I was watching a bit of the play (The Full Monty) at work here the other day. I was standing at the side with one of the more fun ushers, Kelly. Kelly was so glad to have a cohort she could tell her various witty comments to. The first thing she says to me is, "Vicki's nipples have been sticking out since she stepped on stage." I said, "Uh...thanks, I hadn't noticed." She turns back around and thinks about this for a minute. Then she turns back to me and says, "Well, being a gay man, you wouldn't notice." Then she turns back to the show.

Now, I was perfectly happy to leave it at that and not pursue the issue any further. It would just be awkward to correct her. If she thinks I'm gay, what's the harm in that? But then she turned back around with a follow-up.

"I mean, I guess I'm just assuming," she said. "I mean, you ARE gay, right?"

I held up my ring finger and said, "I'm married."

AWKWARD SILENCE.

"Oh," she said, "well...she's a very lucky woman."
***

Oprah is no longer shopping at Hermes. If you haven't heard, they allegedly snubbed her at their store in Paris and now she won't shop there anymore. Her friend Gayle thinks it was racially motivated. The store said it's not racial, they were closed and not letting ANYONE in to shop.

So, if you're scoring at home, a star you don't like refuses to shopping at a store you've never heard of for reasons you don't care about.
***

Our apartment is two buildings down from Lake Michigan. When I leave the building in the morning and walk to the bus I always sneak a quick look at the lake. On days when there is fog I fully expect Viking ships to cut through the mist and start pillaging the neighborhood. So far, nothing.




© 2006 The Intelligence Estimate | Blogger Templates by GeckoandFly.
No part of the content or the blog may be reproduced without prior written permission.
Learn how to make money online | First Aid and Health Information at Medical Health