Keep It Down, I'm Trying to Get PAID!
1 Comments Published by Chris on Friday, January 16, 2009 at 7:09 PM.
Ever since I've been unemployed it's become increasingly harder to drag my ass out of bed. So much so that I have now gone almost entirely nocturnal. I routinely go to bed around 4 or 5 am. I am just not tired before then. Then when I get into bed I sleep for 12 or 13 hours. Yesterday I slept the sun around. Dark when I went to bed. Dark when I got up. Without any reason to get out of bed, surprise, surprise, I don't. It's also a very kid-friendly way of handling depression.
So imagine how shocked I was when I got rejected for a University of Chicago sleep study. Let me just defend my honor at this point and clarify: I AM AN EXCELLENT SLEEPER! Honestly, Olympic caliber. I've been entertaining the idea of teaching a master class for insomniacs. I am THAT good!
The study was something about a link between sleep, weight and diabetes. So they asked me my weight, which I make a habit of not giving out over the phone just like my social security number and for much the same reasons. I don't want anyone using it against me. But the economy has loosened my morals on the issue a bit and if it would get me a paycheck I would have told them I was an albino, lesbian, soccer mom.
I gave them the number and they said, in a nutshell, "Okay, you're fat." Thank you very much. Go ahead, take my pride, I'm clearly not using it for anything. That's a good 7 or 8 pounds lost right there.
They asked me about my caffeine intake. I told them it, not unlike my ass, was sizable. Honestly, I have to do something to keep me awake. They asked me if I would be willing to ween myself off of caffeine for the study. And for the price they were offering I would have shot the stuff directly into my own eyeballs if they asked.
"Are you on any prescription medications?"
My pat answer is usually, "Yes. ANTI-PSYCHOTICS!" And then I start eating my own shirt. But I decided that was probably going to work against me in this scenario. Little did I realize that the truth was also going to work against me.
"I am on an anti-depressant for general anxiety disorder."
That's it. No thank you. Take a hike. We can't use you.
Apparently I am so unemployable that I cannot even get a job SLEEPING! Ironically not having a job is the major source of my anxiety right now. A little income from...say...I don't know...a sleep study would have made me a lot less anxious and rendered the caffeine unnecessary.
And so now I will go back to assuaging my anxiety and depression the only ways I know: prescription drugs and sleep. Sweet, anxiety-inducing, unpaid sleep.
Labels: Anti-Depressants, Economy, Sleep Study, Unemployment
I was refused for the same study, but for...um...self medicating. Damn, that would have been awesome money for sleeping.