According to a billboard at by the airport (and when have THEY ever lied to me?) Hooters now has crab legs. Hooters has crabs? Personally, I think they had crabs long before now, but they just never got tested.
Anyway, this reminded me of the first time I ever went to Hooters. I was in college and my roommate at the time, Mike, didn't drink anything with caffeine. So when he ordered his meal, he got milk...and free refills. Mike assured me that most restaurants do NOT have free refills on milk as it is a more precious commodity than soda. I figured then that the milk must have been fresh squeezed.
Which begs the question, is it all you can eat crab legs? You might wanna stick to the chicken wings.
I was walking to the train the route I always take. I turned right onto Troy Street headed toward Wilson Avenue. I had my iPod on and wasn't paying that much attention to my surroundings until I saw something our of the corner of my eye. (I would have used my whole eye, but between the ice and the dog crap I could only spare the corner.) I saw some motion and turned to pay it a little more attention. (Not my full attention because of the aforementioned ice and dog crap.)
I didn't see everything, but here is what I deduced had happened on the front porch of the house I was passing: The little old guy takes a quick look out the window and doesn't see anyone, he makes a mad dash outside (it's 16 degrees Fahrenheit here), sees me, gets spooked, grabs his paper and runs back inside as fast as his little old man legs will carry him.
This is however, just a deduction. I'm not certain of what happened because I only became aware of the old man's presence as he was headed back to the house with his paper. And I only remember that because he was not wearing shoes to go out and get the paper. In fairness, it would have looked kind of silly if he was wearing his shoes considering the fact that he had no pants on. But having no pants on was ok too because he was just wearing that little under shirt and pants would have made him feel naked from the waist up. No, better to go out in just your undershirt and underwear to grab the paper.
For those of you who were interested (and I don't even want to know who that might be) they were tighty whiteys...although they were neither tight nor particularly white anymore.
Fox News has lost it's freakin' mind. Here are the top three stories on Fox News as of 11:54 a.m. :
Cops: Man Paints Goats, Leaves Porn to Harass NY Neighbor
Report: The Wiggles' Lead Singer May Quit Due to Illness
Britney Spears, Out With Paris Hilton, Flashes Nether Region
I never thought I'd live to see the day when Britney Spears' snatch would take precedence over the War on Christmas, War on Terror and War on Common Sense that rages over at Fox News. The Democrats run the House and the Senate so I find it VERY hard to believe that there isn't some preemptive bitching that could be done about them driving us all toward a catastrophic end and a premature rapture.
Although I will give them credit for getting the terms "Goat," "Wiggles," and Britney Spear's "Nether Regions" altogether on a "news" site.
Labels: Britney Spears, Fox News, Goats, Naughty, News, Paris Hilton, Wiggles
Movie Madness, Hobbitfest Edition
1 Comments Published by Chris on Monday, November 13, 2006 at 12:35 PM.
As some of you may remember, I am keeping track of all the movies I see in a year. (158 at last count) Well, yesterday my friend Tyler and I did something we've been talking about for over a year: we watched all three Lord of The Rings movies in ONE sitting. Eleven hours of hobbits, heroism and leg cramps.
This isn't the first time done something like this. The night before Tim Burton released his Planet of the Apes remake my friend Mike and I rented all five original Planet of the Apes movies and watched them in one sitting. A feat we were able to accomplish because Mike's wife was out of town and my girlfriend at the time was busy working...at least that's what she said. Whatever. If she didn't want to participate in MONKEY MADNESS (Yes, that's actually what we called it!) that was her loss. Come to think of it we didn't have any women on board for the Hobbitfest either. (YES we called it that! We'd already committed to watching all three Rings movies, I don't think we sink any lower on the food chain by having a snappy title!)
That's not entirely true. Tyler's girlfriend was there for a portion of the Two Towers. She stayed just long enough to point out that the eye of Sauron looked a lot like a vagina and then she left. That totally ruined the end of the movie where Frodo stands on the end of that long phallic rock outcropping and drops the ring into the lava below causing the lava to rise and spray violently out of mount doom and ending the reign of the evil vagina. It's a weird mixture of Ansel Adams and Larry Flynt.
By the way, I think all of the unpleasantness of middle earth could have been avoided if they had just called Mount Doom something a little more inviting like Mount Sweetie or Kitty Cat Mountain or Candy Colored Rainbow of Mountainy Goodness. Problem solved.
Hmmmm...upon closer inspection I think I'm starting to see why women don't go in for these shenanigans.
Labels: Lord of the Rings, Movie Madness, Movies, Naughty, Planet of the Apes, Tyler, Vagina
Only 100 Shopping Days Left Until Embarassment
0 Comments Published by Chris on Tuesday, September 26, 2006 at 12:34 AM.
One year for Christmas my Dad's girlfriend (later wife...and then later ex-wife #2) got my uncle a Billy Bass for Christmas. For the uninitiated and/or people with taste I will explain. *AHEM* Billy Bass is a mounted fish that sings "Take Me To The River" at the press of a button.
Everyone was disappointed by this gift. I was disappointed because the damned thing existed, let alone in such proximity to me. My family was disappointed because it didn't come with batteries. This "problem" was "remedied" by a quick cannibalization of the TV remote and soon everyone was "enjoying" the Al Green classic being torturously brought to life by a piece of vinyl siding with a rhythm section.
Well look out Billy Bass because there is a new sheriff in town. Make way for The Farting Teddy Bear.
The concept here, as I see it, is that Teddy Ruxpin has REALLY let himself go. This bear...well...I'll just let the ad copy do the talking: "He's cute, he's cuddly, and he's flatulent. There's nothing he likes more than to be in the arms of some poor, unsuspecting victim so he can let out a big, juicy one when you press the remote control. And he's so embarrassed; his little cheeks glow blushing red whenever he passes gas. Adorable as he is, he's always forgiven. You, maybe not."
He's cuddly? Ok. He's cute? That's negotiable. He's flatulent? That totally undoes points one and two. I had an uncle who was the same way and let me tell you any passing resemblance he might have shared with a Jack Russell pup was completely outweighed by the fact that he smelled like 3 month old cole slaw.
I'm getting to Grandma's early this year to hide all the batteries.
Labels: Christmas, Dad, Gifts, Iowa, Lost Post, Naughty, Teddy Bear, Weird News
Sage Advice From A Reliable Source
1 Comments Published by Chris on Thursday, August 17, 2006 at 11:39 AM.
I went to a movie with my friend Sarah last night. Afterwards we went for coffee near the theater. Sarah has been out of the country for the last 7 months and so it was good to catch up with her. I was reminded why I hang out with her in the first place.
Sarah: I went to this CRAZY religious wedding in Dubuque.
Chris: Those are ALWAYS fun!
Sarah: Yeah, if you like guilt.
Chris: And you know I do!
Sarah: The priest was giving his homily and he turned to the bride and groom and said, "Now after the wedding, after the party, after everyone has gone home and you find yourself alone with one another..."
Chris: What the hell? What does a priest know about being alone with a woman?
Sarah: It gets better. "I want you two to get down on your knees...."
Chris: Priests know all about that!
Sarah: "...and thank the lord for this." I thought, did he just tell them to thank God for sex?
Chris: Oh, one of them will be down on their knees for sure but I doubt if God really enters their mind.
Sarah: No, one of them will be mentioning God quite a bit, but not the other one.
Chris: Well, it's impolite to speak with your mouth full.
Say good night Gracie!
Before I begin this post, let me remind everyone that my mom subscribes to this blog. And at times this space can get a little racy. So, as a token of goodwill, I would like to start out with a word to her: "Aren't recipe's GREAT?!"
Ok, that link should keep her busy for hours. But just in case she tries to sneak back in here I'm gonna post this too....
She'll be so mesmerized by the cuteness she may never recover.
Now, I don't know how I became the collector of rare and odd iPod accessory knowledge, but this is the most bizarre one ever. Honestly, I'm not sure how I feel about this. It's the iPod vibrator called the OhMiBod. (I guess I feel...tingley?!)
It's the ultimate in plug-and-play-with-yourself technology. You plug the vibrator into your iPod earphone jack (you plug the other end somewhere completely different!) and then it vibrates to the rhythm and intensity of the music.
Here is an actual question from the OhMiBod FAQ page:
"Q: Can I use OhMiBod in the car?
A: The simple answer is yes - but we don't recommend it (could be a bit distracting to your driving). But if you are a passenger - we say go for it!"
For the record I'd just like to state that in Chicago it is illegal to use your cell phone while operating an automobile. I think this is a touch more distracting than that. But I can't wait until the legislation catches up to this! Those open hearings will elicit testimony that will necessitate city council meetings have a cover charge and a two drink minimum!
You can even go on iTunes and download OhMiBod playlists featuring songs that give you the most bang for your buck...literally. There are playlists with as few as 5 songs or as many as 15 songs. Frankly, if you need 15 songs, well you're just bragging.
