A baby was delivered on a Delta Airlines flight by two passengers who happened to be doctors. The baby was given to the mother and, answering the age old nature or nurture question, the child immediately started kicking the seat in front of it.
Labels: Airports, Baby, Flying, Weird News
Thief made woman, 83, smoke crack - CNN
A 41 year old woman (Theresa) forced an 83 year old housemate (Shirley) to smoke crack on at least two occasions in order to obtain personal information that she later used to obtain a credit card under Shirley's name. Theresa then used the credit card to run up $3000 of debt. Presumably she used either cash advances or gifts purchased with the card to pay off her crack dealer. Which just proves what I've always said, "You have to spend crack to make crack."
Labels: CNN, Crack, News, Weird News
The city manager of Largo, Florida, Steve Stanton, was fired because he is in the process of becoming Susan Stanton. You may have seen him on the Daily Show. Well, now Steve has applied for the same position in Sarasota, Florida but applied under Susan's name.
I'm very interested to see how this turns out in a highly-contentious red state like Florida because, despite their stance on alternative lifestyles, this is the perfect situation for Republican economics. They can hire a "man" to do the job, but pay $.70 on the dollar because a "woman" is doing it. Transgendered applicants are better value!
Labels: Florida, Gay, Gay.com, News, Transgendered City Manager, Weird News
A woman came to the window to buy tickets yesterday who had the unfortunate name of Sarah Kraut. If that doesn't sound odd to you, try saying it out loud as if it were one word.
Labels: Names, Weird News
Just a point of clarification for my family: leave my sperm alone. There. It's public record now. I consider this to be legally binding.
I didn't think you did, but apparently you have to make such announcements just in case you die and your parents want to extract your sperm before they bury you. It happened to a soldier in Israel.
The article never makes this abundantly clear but it appears he had the sperm stored (in a hospital, not in like a jug under his bed) before he died. Then when he died the family sued the hospital to get them to release it to them. The hospital was all like, "No. You're not a spouse." And the parents countered with, "Oh, you're one of those uptight hospitals, huh? I find that HOT!" And the hospital starts playing all hard to get and won't release it's sperm. So the parents buy the hospital a few drinks and now they're partying like rock stars. But the hospital is such a square that even a liter of Jack Daniels finest argument settler won't break its resolve. "Not unless you're married!" the hospital exclaims. And the parents counter with, "Wanna see a three way with our lawyer?" And the hospital gets really hot and bothered and reluctantly, but forcibly releases it's sperm...all over the couple and their lawyer. (Careful not to get any in your eye.)
But here's the weird part(yeah, it was NORMAL up to now): The parents went on TV to request that women contact them if they wanted to be impregnated with their son's sperm. The parents are pimping their son on national TV. And you just know that these are the type of parents who had a 10pm curfew for the kid growing up and wouldn't let him date until he was 18. Even then no one was good enough for mom.
"Why can't you find a nice girl to settle down with," mom would ask? "I could find you a better girl! I know lots of fine upstanding young women, why won't you let me help you?" And so she does. On national TV. And 200 women respond. Two hundred women see a mother on TV with her dead son's sperm and think, "I want to be a part of THIS family!"
I think dying may have just been an excuse to get away from his parents.
Labels: Hospital, Israel, Parents, Sperm, Weird News
Know Your Concourse, Know Your Gate
0 Comments Published by Chris on Tuesday, January 02, 2007 at 10:07 AM.
According to a Fox News story United Airlines employees at O'Hare International Airport (one of TWO airports here in Chicago. Midway is the other one...and it seems to me there was a third one by the lake at one time too, but it's closed down now.) claim to have seen a UFO.
"'Our theory on this is that it was a weather phenomenon,' (Federal Aviation Administration Representative Elizabeth)Cory said. 'That night was a perfect atmospheric condition in terms of low (cloud) ceiling and a lot of airport lights. When the lights shine up into the clouds, sometimes you can see funny things.'The FAA is not investigating, Cory said."
Thank God the FAA isn't investigating. I think it's time to institute random drug testing at United Airlines. This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. Everyone knows that the UFOs land at Midway!
Labels: Airports, Chicago, UFOs, Weird News
This is an actual story that was on Fox News this morning. There has been no doctoring of these photos. These are screen captures from my computer taken at around 6:30 this morning. I took the screen captures because I don't know how long the story will stay up in its current form. What story?
'Law & Order: SUV' May Be Over Soon
You all remember the hit TV series Law & Order, right? Well it was so popular that it spawned a spin off that I always thought was called Law & Order: SVU, or Special Victims Unit. But now, only after it's too late, do I learn that it was really named for the ubiquitous Sport Utility Vehicles that figured so heavily in numerous plot lines.
Who can forget the riveting story of a Manhattan brother and sister who conspired to pull the spark plug on their Hummer for the insurance money? Or the Escalade that was found dead by the side of the road and it turned out that his wife had been sleeping with a Rav4 with ties to the mafia? Or the story of the sniper who wait by the interstate picking off poor defenseless Lincoln Navigators? Timeless.
Rest in peace Law & Order: SUV. We hardly knew you.
EDIT: It is now 7:21 and the story's headline has been corrected, but the headline on my Google homepage is still wrong.
Labels: Fox News, Hollywood, Television, Weird News
From Fox News, who is trying to appeal to the NASCAR demographic just a bit too much it seems, come this sensationalistic, knock-the-beer-out-of-your-over-sized-novelty-hat story entitled: Man Runs Over, Eats Seven Legged Transgendered Deer. '"It was definitely a freak of nature," (Rick) Lisko said. "I guess it's a real rarity." "He (Lisko) said he slowed down as the buck and two does ran across the driveway Nov. 22, but the buck ran under the truck and got hit."
Apparently the Wisconsin deer not only had extra (and under developed, crab-like pincer legs) but it also had both male and female parts.
But just how did the deer die?
"'Bilgo (The DNR Representative) took photos and sent information on the animal to DNR wildlife managers.'"
I, as someone who has spent the better part of the last 12 years glued to the Internet, assumed that the link would take you to photos that the DNR had posted of this unique specimen. I thought it was a little weird that FOX hadn't included them in the original story, but I assumed there was some kind of copyright problem. But when I clicked on the link it took me to an ask.com page listing various photo hosting/printing services. Here's a little tip for Fox News, if the target audience of your writing needs to have digital photography and Internet hosting explained to them then you probably don't need to go ahead and post the story on your web site.
Labels: Fox News, News, Transgendered Seven Legged Deer, Weird News
The Queen Is My Shepherd, I Shall Not Wear White After Labor Day
0 Comments Published by Chris on Tuesday, November 07, 2006 at 11:33 AM.
According to an article in gay.com "scientists" at Oregon State University at working to turn gay sheep straight.
I'm gonna give that sentence a moment or two to sink in. Gay sheep, turned straight. University of Oregon. Research. Working. "Scientists." Ok? Let's continue.
Gay sheep. Before you begin any serious discussion about gay sheep (if there can in fact BE a serious conversation about the sexual preference of domesticated animals) you must first ask yourself, "How do you know the sheep are gay?" If I was forced to guess I would have to say that perhaps the gay sheep spend an unhealthy amount of time in a fraternity, but that is hardly scientific. Who had the unenviable job of sorting through the herd of sheep and determining which of the rams like to be rammed? Presumably lonely, socially awkward farm kids. In which case, didn't the sheep really just have gay thrust upon him...so to speak?
But in order for the issue to move any farther I suppose we need to conceed the point that gay sheep do exist and that that is where fabulous sweaters come from. Ok, point taken. But then the question becomes, how does one make a gay sheep straight? I'll let the gay.com article handle that explanation.
"According to the animal rights group PETA, Oregon Health and Science University experimenter Charles Roselli is medicating sheep to prevent the actions of hormones in their fetal brains. Roselli is also dissecting the brains of "male-oriented" (homosexual) rams in order to find the hormonal mechanisms behind homosexual tendencies . Once found, he hopes to change them."
Ahhhh, well, there you have it. Find out and change it. Uh-huh. There couldn't be more straight forward a scientific practice than that. Find it and change it. Perfectly clear. In fairness he's not saying that he WILL change it, only that he HOPES to change it. This seems to fall under the Bush Administration's Office of Faith-Based Science.
And what possible good could come from this tax-supported science, you ask? "According to the grant applications, the experimenters plan to extrapolate the test results to humans -- with the insidious implication that homosexuality in people can be 'cured.'"
For those of you who are keeping score of the science initiatives the Bush Administration will fund that's a NO on curing diseases with stem cell research and a YES to curing homosexuality.
Labels: Anger, Gay, Gay.com, News, Politics, President Bush, Religion, Science, Weird News
Yesterday I was reading a random blog about a 50th anniversary party. The author made reference to the couple renewing their wedding vowels. I thought this was odd but I figured to was just a typo and read on. Then it happened again...three more times: wedding vowels. By now I figure they mean to call them wedding vowels. But this poses the obvious questions, "Which ones ARE the wedding vowels?" Do you include the letter Y? How do you decide if this is one of the times? Seems pretty important, there's a marriage of 50 years on the line! This is something Strunk and White are not equipped to handle.
EPILOGUE
The blog about wedding vowels has been edited since I read it yesterday. Turns out the author posted it late at night under the influence of sinus medication. Still, why can't Y make up it's mind? Get off the fence. You're a vowel or you're not.
Labels: Comedy, Vowels, Weird News
Oh the power of poor punctuation: 7-11 Pulls Energy Drink Over Name, Cocaine.
Labels: Fox News, Grammar, Weird News
I woke up this morning to reports that North Korea had successfully tested a nuclear missle. The story on NPR was rather lengthy, but I was also rather tired. And while the story put up a good fight, sleep won out. When I woke a half an hour later I went to the computer to check the days headlines.
"North Korea Successfully Tests Nuclear Missile." Well, that's what it actually said, but what I read was "North DAKOTA Successfully Tests Nuclear Missile." And for some reason I found that much more frightening. Because, think about it, what do you really know about North Dakota? I mean, just the fact that there are two Dakotas automatically makes me a little suspicious. That to me says that one of them couldn't get along with the other so it packed up it's statehood and moved north. That's shifty.
But it wants us to believe otherwise. It's just a lonely little state up there on the border with Canada minding it's own business, right? But those are the types you've got to keep your eye on. You know what the neighbors always say when they find out they were living next to a serial killer: "He was so quiet, always kept to himself." I'm watching you North Dakota!
Now if you'll excuse me, I have some sleep to catch up on.
Labels: News, North Korea, Nuclear War, Weird News
Celebrities doing (usually court-mandated) charity work is nothing new. For years that was the only work that Robert Downey Jr. could get. So when I heard that Ricky Martin (yes THAT Ricky Martin) had established a charitable foundation I was hardly shocked. No, the shock didn't set in until I found out what kind of revolutionary things his foundation is fighting against. He's given musical instruments to Puerto Rican school children (take THAT peace and quiet!) and built houses for the homeless in Thailand (take THAT highway underpasses!) but the foundation's latest stance is sure to make waves. Ricky has decided to speak out against human trafficking. A bold move that is sure to anger pimps and smugglers everywhere.
And I gotta believe that he's really behind this move because it is kind of counter intuitive for him to oppose human trafficking. Why would he want to keep people from leaving small struggling countries that are devoid of food, hope and spicy Latin rhythms? Why would he want to keep them from arriving in the land of milk, honey and Tower Records? The short answer is, he wouldn't. But apparently his conscience is larger than his wallet will ever be so he has taken the bold stance of opposing slavery. And I am so moved by his humanitarianism and compassion that I am seriously considering not making a joke about him being smuggled into this country in someone's colon. No, no, no. I think I will take the high road and say nothing about him coming in someone's ass.
Labels: Charity Work, Gay, Music, News, Ricky Martin, Robert Downey Jr., Theater, Weird News
Only 100 Shopping Days Left Until Embarassment
0 Comments Published by Chris on Tuesday, September 26, 2006 at 12:34 AM.
One year for Christmas my Dad's girlfriend (later wife...and then later ex-wife #2) got my uncle a Billy Bass for Christmas. For the uninitiated and/or people with taste I will explain. *AHEM* Billy Bass is a mounted fish that sings "Take Me To The River" at the press of a button.
Everyone was disappointed by this gift. I was disappointed because the damned thing existed, let alone in such proximity to me. My family was disappointed because it didn't come with batteries. This "problem" was "remedied" by a quick cannibalization of the TV remote and soon everyone was "enjoying" the Al Green classic being torturously brought to life by a piece of vinyl siding with a rhythm section.
Well look out Billy Bass because there is a new sheriff in town. Make way for The Farting Teddy Bear.
The concept here, as I see it, is that Teddy Ruxpin has REALLY let himself go. This bear...well...I'll just let the ad copy do the talking: "He's cute, he's cuddly, and he's flatulent. There's nothing he likes more than to be in the arms of some poor, unsuspecting victim so he can let out a big, juicy one when you press the remote control. And he's so embarrassed; his little cheeks glow blushing red whenever he passes gas. Adorable as he is, he's always forgiven. You, maybe not."
He's cuddly? Ok. He's cute? That's negotiable. He's flatulent? That totally undoes points one and two. I had an uncle who was the same way and let me tell you any passing resemblance he might have shared with a Jack Russell pup was completely outweighed by the fact that he smelled like 3 month old cole slaw.
I'm getting to Grandma's early this year to hide all the batteries.
Labels: Christmas, Dad, Gifts, Iowa, Lost Post, Naughty, Teddy Bear, Weird News
Weedy's, The Breakfast of Champions
0 Comments Published by Chris on Friday, September 22, 2006 at 4:40 PM.
Willie Nelson was arrested earlier this week for possession of a pound and a half of marijuana. In other news "B" follows "A" and we breath oxygen.
Why does this continue to be news? You know what would make this story better (you know how I like to fix stories)? Some kind of novelty. "Willie Nelson Donates His Marijuana to Underprivileged Stoners." See, that has a twist to it. "Willie Nelson Dating Jessica Simpson." Ok, I didn't see that coming. Now I'm interested...creeped out and in need of a shower, but interested. "Willie Nelson Brokers Iranian Nuclear Pact." I saw Wag The Dog, I know how he rolls!
Labels: Celebrity, Embarassment, Hollywood, Lost Post, Marijuana, News, Wag The Dog, Weird News, Willie Nelson
According to a story in the Guardian Unlimited Chinese surgeons have attached a donor penis to a man who lost his in an accident. (As opposed to someone who honestly misplaced it. Try between the couch cushions because it's always in the last place you look!)
The accident left the man with a one centimeter (less than a 1/4 0f an inch for Americans, Burmese and Liberians who are the only people in the world who can't wrap their heads around the metric system) penis. When the surgery was complete he was endowed with a 10 centimeter, or roughly 4 inch (Come on! Metric is so logical, what's the problem?!) penis. Now, that doesn't sound like the surgeons did him any favors, but presumably that 4 inches is a penis at leisure. When roused to action who knows what kind of heavy lifting he'll be capable of accomplishing.
The surgeons announced the the body had fully accepted the new member and that it had a robust blood supply and the man was able to urinate normally.
Then, half way through the article they unleash my favorite paragraph in the history of the written word: "Although the operation was a surgical success, surgeons said they had to remove the penis two weeks later. 'Because of a severe psychological problem of the recipient and his wife, the transplanted penis regretfully had to be cut off,' Dr (Weilie) Hu said."
Wow, who could have seen that coming? The surgery was a success, but we're taking the penis back. No, really, we're keeping it. Just drop it on the table when you leave, ok? And don't you can fool us, we're patting you down when you walk outta here!
And how about that tactful bedside manner, huh? His penis "had to be cut off." Presumably that was the third or fourth draft of that press statement. I'm sure the early drafts were much worse. "His penis was hacked from his body. No, not descriptive enough. His engorged man meat was savagely sawed from his battered body. Good, good, good. Nice alliteration. Let's shoot it round to the boys in PR and see what they think."
And for as emasculating as it is to lose your penis once, how much more embarrassing is it to lose it twice? That's just careless. Forget the couch cushions, you got bigger problems.
They never go into the specifics of what that "psychological problem" he and his wife had with it, but I imagine it was the sex with the stranger in his pants that queered the deal. I also like to think that maybe he starting having affairs all over town and tried to cover it with, "but honey I can hardly be responsible for this it's not even MY penis!" How sad to have your life reduced to a third rate Benny Hill sketch.
Labels: Embarassment, Lost Post, Marriage, Medical Oddities, Penis, Weird News
According to a story by Reuters "Oddly Enough" News Service a Nazi-themed restaurant has just opened in Mumbai, India called Hitler's Cross. The restaurant, in addition to featuring a large hookah, is festooned with even larger pictures of Hitler.
"'This place is not about wars or crimes, but where people come to relax and enjoy a meal,' said restaurant manager Fatima Kabani, adding that they were planning to turn the eatery's name into a brand with more branches in Mumbai."
I don't want to waste my time defending the indefensible, but these people are clearly not good Nazis. I'll tell you why. Mumbai is the financial center of India. And as any good Nazi knows (I'm looking at YOU Mel Gibson!), the Jews run all things financial. Do you really think that any good Nazi would waste his time giving the Jews good food at a reasonable price? These people aren't Nazis, they're just morons.
"'We wanted to be different. This is one name that will stay in people's minds,' owner Punit Shablok told Reuters."
You know what else sticks in people's minds? The holocaust. Say what you will about his great accomplishments like the autobahn, that final solution is what Hitler's gonna be remembered for.
Shablok wanted to make sure people knew that "we are not promoting Hitler. But we want to tell people we are different in the way he was different."
That the way Hitler was different was that he killed millions of Jews, gypsies and Russians. Check your armbands at the door!Labels: Nazis, Politics, Weird News
