Have you been feeling a little smarter than normal lately? It's like due to The Associated Press' week long ban on reporting about Paris Hilton. The wire service giant decided to run a little experiment because, "...editors just wanted to see what would happen if we didn't cover this media phenomenon, this creature of the Internet gossip age, for a full week. After that, we'd take it day by day. Would anyone care? Would anyone notice? And would that tell us something interesting?"
The answers, across the board, were a resounding "NO." In fact, the only reason anyone knew that the AP had stopped reporting on Paris Hilton was that they read about it in a news story FROM THE ASSOCIATED PRESS! In a still more perplexing feat of journalistic gymnastics the story then went on to recount every minute of Paris' life from the past week. (Selling perfume to Puerto Rico you say? DO TELL!) Fox News, which ran the AP story, even went so far as to add a link to even more stories about Paris Hilton. Say what you will about those compassion deficient bastards at Fox News (Don't mind if I do. AHEM! They eat the hearts of newborn children!) but they knew how badly you've been needing a Paris fix!
What finally broke the Paris news embargo? Paris got ticketed for driving with a suspended license, a bit of information that, by the AP's own admission, is not news. And yet they readily admit to putting out a 300 word story on it. So in one sentence they can deride other news sources for awarding this talentless pile of steaming entitlement her celebrity status and in the next sentence cater to the celebrity junkies who want to pick through the contents of her latest bowel movement. (And by bowel movement I mean "album." She doesn't make the distinction, why should I?)
Well rest assured that our long collective nightmare of informative news gathering is at an end and soon we can settle back into the comforting rhythm of nursing at the tit of celebrity news. The irrelevance WILL be televised!
Labels: Associated Press, Fox News, Hollywood, Internet, News, Paris Hilton
Back in September The Discovery Channel started airing commercials for a contest they were holding. They asked people to make parodies of their programs. The winners would be posted on their web site and be seen on a special airing in December. They would also win $500.
I like the Discovery Channel almost as much as I like $500, so I entered with a spoof of American Chopper. Well I haven't heard anymore about the spoof special and last week they announced that American Chopper was moving to TLC. Long story short: my $500 ain't coming. Since the television viewing public has been robbed of my genius I have decided to air it here, on the info-nets! If it's good enough for the exploding whale it's good enough for me!
So here, for the first time anywhere, is: A Very Special American Chopper!
*Note to Subscribers: I will be sending a link to the video shortly*
Labels: American Chopper, Comedy, Discovery Channel, Hollywood, Movies, TLC, YouTube
This is an actual story that was on Fox News this morning. There has been no doctoring of these photos. These are screen captures from my computer taken at around 6:30 this morning. I took the screen captures because I don't know how long the story will stay up in its current form. What story?
'Law & Order: SUV' May Be Over Soon
You all remember the hit TV series Law & Order, right? Well it was so popular that it spawned a spin off that I always thought was called Law & Order: SVU, or Special Victims Unit. But now, only after it's too late, do I learn that it was really named for the ubiquitous Sport Utility Vehicles that figured so heavily in numerous plot lines.
Who can forget the riveting story of a Manhattan brother and sister who conspired to pull the spark plug on their Hummer for the insurance money? Or the Escalade that was found dead by the side of the road and it turned out that his wife had been sleeping with a Rav4 with ties to the mafia? Or the story of the sniper who wait by the interstate picking off poor defenseless Lincoln Navigators? Timeless.
Rest in peace Law & Order: SUV. We hardly knew you.
EDIT: It is now 7:21 and the story's headline has been corrected, but the headline on my Google homepage is still wrong.
Labels: Fox News, Hollywood, Television, Weird News
The Problem With America In A Nutshell
0 Comments Published by Chris on Tuesday, November 07, 2006 at 4:08 PM.
Indiana Jones and The Temple of Dumb
0 Comments Published by Chris on Friday, October 20, 2006 at 8:21 PM.
Today I was using a public computer to check my e-mail, which always seems a little bit like archeology to me. You know what you're looking for and you have a vague idea where it is but you have to dig through a lot of crap to get to it. And occasionally you stumble onto some piece of buried treasure you didn't expect.
Today I opened a strange new browser and stumbled onto this nugget, an article exposing the horrors of celebrity over exposure. Genius, I thought. What better way to stick it to celebrities who are over exposed than to write an article about them replete with full color photos and a description of all of their current exploits? They are clearly applying the "Old Time Rock and Roll" method of diplomacy made famous by Bob Seger. Seger, as you'll recall, had had it with new music that "ain't got the same soul" so he decided to write some new music about how much new music sucks. Touche Mr. Seger, you cut them to the quick!
The article was in Forbes Magazine's online edition. Forbes? Remember when that was about money and power and being a closeted gay magazine publisher? Once the Capitalist Tool and the voice of the Reagan years, now they're telling me that Jessica Simpson has a line of "edible" bath and body treats called Dessert Beauty...which I can only imagine tastes like silicone and desperation.
The article goes on to quote Star magazine's Bonnie Fuller as saying "for somebody who is less talented, it can often give them a career that they wouldn't have had at all," she says. "It may not last for that long, but it does give them something for a while."
And really America, isn't that the least we could do? Give people something to do for awhile? These poor unfortunately gorgeous people with limitless amounts of cash aimlessly wandering about the world mating with other similarly shackled individuals. How can they live like that? They know nothing of the beauties of the thankless job or living paycheck to paycheck. They don't know the simple joys of living off of credit or missing a student loan payment. So isn't suffering through Employee of the Month the LEAST we could do for our little Jessica?
Labels: Bob Seger, Comedy, Hollywood, Jessica Simpson, Malcolm Forbes
Weedy's, The Breakfast of Champions
0 Comments Published by Chris on Friday, September 22, 2006 at 4:40 PM.
Willie Nelson was arrested earlier this week for possession of a pound and a half of marijuana. In other news "B" follows "A" and we breath oxygen.
Why does this continue to be news? You know what would make this story better (you know how I like to fix stories)? Some kind of novelty. "Willie Nelson Donates His Marijuana to Underprivileged Stoners." See, that has a twist to it. "Willie Nelson Dating Jessica Simpson." Ok, I didn't see that coming. Now I'm interested...creeped out and in need of a shower, but interested. "Willie Nelson Brokers Iranian Nuclear Pact." I saw Wag The Dog, I know how he rolls!
Labels: Celebrity, Embarassment, Hollywood, Lost Post, Marijuana, News, Wag The Dog, Weird News, Willie Nelson
Insert 4 Credits to Continue
0 Comments Published by Chris on Tuesday, September 19, 2006 at 10:14 AM.
Ok, did everyone else know this and just forget to tell me? How come I had to read about it in the Christian Science Monitor? The Army has its own video game?!
This is why satire is so hard: you have to stay ahead of the curve. Back in June I wrote a post about the video game Silent Scope where I suggested that the Army was using it as a new recruitment method like the alien army did in the movie The Last Starfighter (1984). Now I know a lot of you are thinking, "Hey, the army is reading your blog and putting your great , albeit alarmingly short-sighted ideas into action!" Well, think again. The video game came out in 1992. I was merely 14 years behind the diabolical masterminds at the Pentagon who were, in turn, 8 years behind Hollywood. I'm not sure who should be more embarrassed about that.
I would have never pegged Bush for a video game player, but it kind of makes its own warped sort of sense. When you start a new game (Iraqi Freedom, Democracy's Deathgrip!) it takes you awhile to get a hang of the strategy. In massive multi-player games there is a pretty steep learning curve, especially if you don't know where all the power ups (They aided Al-Queda, they had nuclear capabilities and SUPPORT THE TROOPS!) and hidden weapons caches are. And no matter how many first person shooters you play (like Afghanistani Apocalypse or Tora-Bora and the Terror Below!) they all have their own peculiar quirks (What do you mean they don't think of us as liberators? Well we'll show them! Now we'll never leave!) I'm sure the Bush administration is just looking for the reset button on Iraq so they can call a do-over. And you know, now that they know what the "evil-doers" will actually do it should go a lot more smoothly this time around.
Just a word of warning: the cheat codes you get from the Polish only allow you to use the word "coalition" in speeches. They don't give you any actual ammo. And you're gonna need a lot of ammo because I hear it takes 15 clips (and years of rhetoric) to finish off that last guy.
Labels: America's Army, Comedy, Embarassment, Hollywood, Lost Post, Military, News, Silent Scope, The Last Starfighter, Video Games
On my Google homepage today I found this quote, "Never explain--your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway. " It's from Elbert Hubbard and I find it invaluably enlightening. Follow me. Elbert Hubbard is the uncle of L. Ron Hubbard who founded Scientology which is the religion of Tom Cruise who doesn't explain anything...especially his sexuality, insane behavior and irrationally exuberant love on his automaton "wife."
Now, I'm sure I'm not the first person to publicly make fun of Scientology, but by God they make it so easy! L. Ron Hubbard is a well known writer. He wrote Dianetics which is basically a self help book and Battlefield Earth a science fiction novel. He also founded the church of Scientology because, you know, he was well qualified having already written self help and science fiction.
Now, most religions have at the heart of them some sort of fantastical story that stretches credulity almost to the breaking point. That's why they are called faiths. If you could prove it they would be facts and we all know how religions hate those. But Scientology has the extra burden of having their sacred tracts shackled to a science fiction writer. FICTION is right there in his title.
Anyway, I've veered a little off topic here. My point is this: Elbert Hubbard is the uncle of L. Ron Hubbard who founded Scientology which is the religion of Tom Cruise who was in A Few Good Men with Kevin Bacon.
Labels: Celebrity, Hollywood, Kevin Bacon, Lost Post, Religion, Tom Cruise
...With The Fringe On Top
0 Comments Published by Chris on Wednesday, September 06, 2006 at 5:41 PM.
Vanity Fair has released the first pictures of Suri Cruise, daughter of Zany McZoloft and his wife Jailbait.
And while I readily admit I couldn't give a shit less about why it's taken so long to get these photos out (my guess is that they couldn't find a child of a believable size that had an Equity card) , or why the child is wearing a wig (ever seen him in the same room with Verne Troyer?) or why they chose to have their photo taken in the poses from the poster for Brokeback Mountain ( do I have to spell this one out for you?) I will say this: the Vanity Fair photos are WAY better than the "exclusive" photos posted by Google Earth.
By the way, why do they have directions TO HERE for a listing for Planet Earth?
Labels: Celebrity, Hollywood, Lost Post, Tom Cruise
Crocodile hunter, reptile park owner and all around crazy bastard Steve Irwin has died of a stingray barb to the chest.
This is just barely news. Did anyone actually think he was going to succumb to the ravages of old age? He hunted crocodiles for a living! On a list of the top 100 dangerous jobs his ranks number two ahead of bulletproof vest tester and mob informant and just barely behind the number one job: Iraqi cabinet official. I assume that his wife and two kids will now abandon the reptile park and big game hunting to live somewhere safer...like Lebanon perhaps.
Best Damned Marriage Ending PERIOD!
0 Comments Published by Chris on Wednesday, August 30, 2006 at 10:51 PM.
Tom Arnold's third marriage is coming to an end. He and wife Shelby Roos (whom he met at the 2000 Democratic National Convention) are filing separation papers. Man, if Tom can't make a go of it what chance do we mere mortals stand? I feel like filing for divorce out of solidarity. My wife said if I could come up with the $400 she'd sign because she cares about Tom and the sanctity of marriage THAT much!
What's interesting about Tom Arnold's marriages (other than the fact that they happened at all) is well...let me just run down the facts for you. He was married to Roseanne Barr from 1990 -1994, Julie Champnella from 1995-1999 and he's been with Ms. Roos since June of 2002.
Apparently Tom's marriages are on an election cycle. Everybody gets a four year term. Maybe one will get lucky and get a second term in office, but in the current political climate it doesn't look likely in the near future. In fairness to Shelby, she didn't stand a chance with the Republicans controlling both the House and the Senate.
Labels: Celebrity, Hollywood, Lost Post, Roseanne Barr, Tom Arnold
Walt Disney, the company that brought you the lightheartedly racist tales of Song of the South, has announced that they will go ahead with plans to release Mel Gibson's new movie Apocalypto.
Apocalypto is the story of the last days of the Mayan civilization, and I don't care what it's called, there is nothing that is going to stop me from calling this movie Mel Gibson's The Land Before Jews.
Labels: Celebrity, Disney, Hollywood, Mel Gibson
The musical Wicked has been playing in Chicago for over a year now and its popularity shows no signs of waning. This is mostly due to the fact that its fan base is 14 year old girls who wouldn't know good theater if Kander and Ebb both bit them on the ass. Working at the Blue Man Group I see a lot of these same 14 year old girls at our theater too. And I know that we get that same demographic because they are all wearing THIS:
What marketing genius decided that barely pubescent girls need to have DEFY GRAVITY written across their chest? Isn't that just bragging? Gravity hasn't had a chance to work it's dark arts on them yet, but it will. Soon they'll need larger and more complicated feats of engineering to maintain the veneer of youth that came so easy in their teens. Gravity is a harsh mistress! Then one day they wake up and realize that no matter how much work they put into it, no matter how they primp and preen and tuck, no matter how they gird themselves against reality, all signs still point south. It's a short trip from that realization to becoming the crazy cat-lady on the edge of town who spends her social security money on lotto tickets and TV dinners. Come back in 30 years and we'll see who's defiant then.
In other boobie news, Janet Jackson has decided that the best way to show off the results of her recent diet is to pose topless for Vibe Magazine. As you may remember the world has already seen her breasts on live television during the Super Bowl half time show. When Vibe asked how she feels about all the attention she gain from that display she had this to say, "It's just over and done with. It's old. It's the past. It's history. I'm onto something new. Everybody got their licks in - those who wanted to - and it's done."
Now, I'm no publicist, but here's a quick list of words and phrases you wanna avoid when referring to your 40 year old breasts:
Over and done with
Old
In the past
History
Everybody got their licks in
I guess since Michael disappeared off the face of the Earth there has been a void of Jackson Family brand weirdness in the press. Thanks for stepping up Janet, but really, Tito could use the work.
So here's the flip side of that Rob Schneider story from the other day, after a long and considered deliberation "actor" Patrick Swayze has come down on the side of newly minted alcoholic anti-Semite Mel Gibson. I guess we can officially state what is patently obvious to everyone with passing interest in this debacle: Patrick Swayze's career is worse off than Rob Schneider's.
If you're Mel Gibson though, I don't know what feels worse: having Patrick Swayze defend your anti-Jewish tirade, or having Rob Schneider berate you. That's like choosing between a poke in the eye and a kick in the crotch.
Just to keep it clear, if you're keeping score at home that's Patrick "To Wong Foo" Swayze FOR Mel Gibson and Rob "Male Gigolo" Schneider AGAINST Mel Gibson. You'll wanna start a flow chart of some kind. Just so you can keep the sides straight when the full scale Civil War breaks out in Hollywood.
"The Anti-Gibson Militia has holed up in the Griffith Park Observatory where they're looking to make a stand against the Anti-Jewish insurgents who have taken control of the high ground around the Hollywood sign. The Anti-Gibson Militia fired off an early-morning barrage of press releases that went unanswered for many hours. Pentagon officials believe that the insurgents are preparing to launch a massive charm offensive on the unwitting press for the hearts and minds of middle America. Both sides have ignored the Pope's repeated calls for peace. The insurgents, speaking through producer and front man Dean Devlin, say they will not rest until Gibson is given a 5 picture deal with final cut approval and the creative freedom to make all the bigoted slurs he wants!"
Labels: Celebrity, Hollywood, Mel Gibson, Patrick Swayze, Rob Schneider
According to the Internet Movie Database Rob Schneider, "star" such timeless classics as of Deuce Bigalow Male Gigolo and The Animal, is the first "actor" to publicly admit that he will not work with Mel Gibson because of his recent anti-Semitic tirade.
Yeah...ummmm...I'm sure that's why he's not working with Mel Gibson. It's HIS choice. It has nothing whatsoever to do with Deuce Bigalow European Gigolo or all that time Rob spent burrowed up Adam Sandler's ass. No, no, no it's a choice. Just the same way I choose not to sleep with Julianne Moore or use my superpowers for the forces of evil. It's MY choice!
Labels: Adam Sandler, Celebrity, Hollywood, Julianne Moore, Rob Schneider
