The Intelligence Estimate

I survived the world premiere of my one man show Countdown: The Story of the Exploding Whale. The Iowa Fringe Festival was July 19-22 in my old stomping grounds of Des Moines. The reaction was overwhelmingly positive. Nonetheless, being who I am, I can only concentrate on the negatives.

One of the comments on the Fringe website was, "funny but too long for one story…" First off, let me say thank you. I appreciate that you thought the show was funny. However, the title of the show is "the story of the exploding whale." What story did you expect to hear? I feel I'm pretty safe posting this here because it's buried all the way in the second paragraph. Even if she found this web site she'd never make it this far down.

I was allotted an hour, but I only used 45 minutes (which, apparently for some people was still too long!) so during my second show I decided to do a question and answer session. After the Sunday show it got a little...well...weird.

The first question I got was not even a question at all. It was a older guy in the front row. I knew this guy was different from the moment he entered the room. I showed up 20 minutes before the show started (which is 10 minutes before the doors were even supposed to be open) and immediately started asking us if we could make it any colder in the room. My lovely wife told him very gently that we didn't have any power over the air conditioning. This did not shake the guy at all. He just sat down and plugged in the box fan he brought with him. Iowans are a plucky, resourceful folk who are accustomed to disappointment. But rarely have I seen them plan ahead with such foresight. Bravo Fan Guy!

So this guy is the first one to pipe up after the show and he starts rambling on about how I'm a regular Herman Melville and Captain Ahab, blah, blah, blah. I think it was complimentary. I'm not sure. I assume he meant well. Honestly, my memory of the non-question is a little fuzzy because of what came after it.

An older woman on a Rascal scooter raised her hand and asked, "So what happened to the whale." As I've already mentioned the title of the show is "The Story of the Exploding Whale." So naturally I was more than a little taken aback by the question.

"I'm sorry?" I asked.

"What happened to the whale?"

I didn't know how to answer. I responded meekly, "You mean THIS whale? The one the whole show was about?"

"Yeah. That one."

"Ummmmm...it exploded."

How do you miss a little detail like that? It is the whole point of the show.

"Oh," she explained, "I fell asleep and missed that part."

This bothers me for a couple of reasons, and not just for the fact that she missed the thinly veiled foreshadowing in the title. First of all, what do I have to do to keep your attention? There was an actual explosion on screen! Blubber rained from the sky and your reaction was, "Man I'm tired!" And secondly, you decided that you needed to tell me that! "Sorry your show couldn't hold my interest. Maybe you should hold onto that day job a little longer."

"It wasn't you," she said in a vain attempt to salvage...I'm not sure what she was trying to salvage at this point. "It wasn't you. The show was interesting I've just had a really long day. I was real tired."

A band-aid solution to a sucking chest wound problem.

Then she tried to make up for it with this: "Oh, I got another question. What do you think they're gonna do with those seven dead kangaroos in Mexico?"

And then she ripped the band-aid off and rolled away.

Labels: Comedy, Iowa Fringe Festival

When I was in Des Moines last week I noticed a sign for a Catholic radio station. The radio station's call letters were KWKY. Really Catholics? Quickie? I guess when you rely on God and the rhythm method then a quickie's ok.

*****
I was walking to the store today to get a sandwich. I walked down the block and saw a young woman with her young daughter. The daughter was about a year and a half old. They started waving in my direction and I realized that Grandma was coming down the block behind me. So the young woman and her young daughter start running down the sidewalk in my direction to meet with Grandma. They get closer and closer (it's a long block) and they get giddier and giddier practically squealing with glee. Until the little girl gets right upon me. Then she turns very serious and looks up at me and says, "Walking here!"

How do they pack that much attitude on a frame that small? I couldn't be angry at her either because she was just adorable. It was like Joe Pesci coming out of Dakota Fanning. Surreal.

And for the record, I did find her amusing...like a clown.

*****
I saw another religious sign when I was in Des Moines last week. It said, "Prepare to Meet Thy God!" Now, I knew what they meant, but I couldn't help but feel like it was a roadside attraction of some kind. Like they actually had God in a tent out behind the barn. Man would ever have been cool!

*****
Our French neighbor downstairs is reading a book about the Nazis...there's a joke there somewhere.

*****
There was a tent revival on the lawn outside of an auto parts store in Des Moines. (They're a lot closer to God back there!) I'd seen it before but it always makes me laugh. It's so rare that one needs a socket set and salvation in the same day.

Labels: Chicago, Comedy

Hey there. Me again. Long time no...uh...nothing. Here's the skinny on my end: I've been knee deep in exploding whale show stuff. The latest is that I will be premiering the piece at the Iowa Fringe Festival July 19th-22nd in Des Moines. It seems like the right place and time. I've been involved in the Iowa Fringe Festival for the past two years with my sketch and improv troupe back in Iowa called The Brink. This year they're not performing, so it seems like natural decision to slip the whale show in there. I'm also working on getting a web site for that show up and running. I'll let you know more about that as it gets completed. I imagine it will also be linked to this blog so you should be able to find it that way too.

As if preparing all that is not not enough, I am also directing a piece starring my wife (you don't want to know what she had to do to get the part!) and a great actress we know back in Des Moines. The show is called David's Redhaired Death and it's a great script. And with two actresses of their caliber, all I really have to do is turn on the lights and show up to take credit. So I'm looking forward to that.

In support of those two shows I was contacted by a reporter at a newspaper I used to work for back in Iowa. I'll link to that when the article is published. But I can tell you it was weird to be on the business end of an interviews for that paper. I can't wait to see what she writes.

More later.

Thanks for reading.

-Chris

Labels: Boone News Republican, Comedy, David's Redhaired Death, Exploding Whale Show, Interview, Iowa Fringe Festival

Here's some golden oldies I just posted on YouTube. Enjoy!

Labels: Comedy, Videoes, YouTube

Brilliant!

Labels: Alanis Morissette, Comedy, Fergie, My Humps

Back in September The Discovery Channel started airing commercials for a contest they were holding. They asked people to make parodies of their programs. The winners would be posted on their web site and be seen on a special airing in December. They would also win $500.

I like the Discovery Channel almost as much as I like $500, so I entered with a spoof of American Chopper. Well I haven't heard anymore about the spoof special and last week they announced that American Chopper was moving to TLC. Long story short: my $500 ain't coming. Since the television viewing public has been robbed of my genius I have decided to air it here, on the info-nets! If it's good enough for the exploding whale it's good enough for me!

So here, for the first time anywhere, is: A Very Special American Chopper!



*Note to Subscribers: I will be sending a link to the video shortly*

Labels: American Chopper, Comedy, Discovery Channel, Hollywood, Movies, TLC, YouTube

I was at a concert last night and I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize. Under normal circumstances this wouldn't bother me, but I missed work a month or so ago because I read the schedule wrong. They tried to call me from work, but I ignored the call because I didn't recognize the number. So now every time I get a call on my cell from a number I don't know I immediately start to think I've missed work and that I'm going to be fired. You see, being fired is one of the few things I'm good at. So good in fact that I did it from two consecutive jobs in totally different fields for...well...for much the same reasons. Work Force Development called it gross negligence, I called it raging against the machine!

Anyway, I say all of that to say this, I let the call go into voice mail and then I left to go listen to it immediately. Turns out it was a satisfied, yet concerned reader. A reader who wishes to remain nameless so for our purposes we'll call her Bertha. Why Bertha? Why not? How about for no other reason than it's a good, all-purpose comedy powerhouse? The workhorse of the humor names: BERTHA!

Bertha called me because she had recently been the subject of one of my blog entries and she was worried about the adverse effect it might have on her relationship. She wanted me to consider taking the post down.

The phone call started out like this,"I just read your blog and I laughed my ass off!" Good opener. No, GREAT opener. For those of you taking note at home (as I assume everyone does), appealing to my vanity is always a good option. However there are pitfalls. Tell me I'm funny and you will have my trust. Tell me I'm handsome and you have my suspicions. Bottom line, don't spread it on too thick. I'm vain, not stupid.

But Bertha (I laugh just thinking about that name!) played it just right. She then went on to say that she worried that the blog entry might damage her relationship with the person I wrote about. This was also a stellar move because it pre-supposes 2 important conceits: 1) my little web site is highly trafficked enough that the other half of her relationship would eventually fall prey to my clever marketing and rapier wit, and 2) I have the power, using nothing more than my intellect and my wordsmithery (if it ain't a word it should be!), to do permanent harm to her relationship. This appeals to the budding megalomaniac in me.

Then Bertha (if you're not on the floor laughing at that name by now you have no soul!) went in for the kill and asked me to take down the blog post. Now, I worked at a newspaper, so I know what it's like to be edited by people who don't know or appreciate your work. Given half a chance I would tell the editor to go to hell and not bring any sunscreen. (Oddly enough THAT wasn't one of the jobs I was fired from.) But Bertha played me like a friendless 14 year old plays World of Warcraft. I had no choice but to succumb to her pleas. And frankly, if she's that good on ME who she's only known for a few months, I don't know why she's worried about her other relationships.

Labels: Betha, Comedy, Concert

Yesterday I was reading a random blog about a 50th anniversary party. The author made reference to the couple renewing their wedding vowels. I thought this was odd but I figured to was just a typo and read on. Then it happened again...three more times: wedding vowels. By now I figure they mean to call them wedding vowels. But this poses the obvious questions, "Which ones ARE the wedding vowels?" Do you include the letter Y? How do you decide if this is one of the times? Seems pretty important, there's a marriage of 50 years on the line! This is something Strunk and White are not equipped to handle.

EPILOGUE
The blog about wedding vowels has been edited since I read it yesterday. Turns out the author posted it late at night under the influence of sinus medication. Still, why can't Y make up it's mind? Get off the fence. You're a vowel or you're not.

Labels: Comedy, Vowels, Weird News

Headline from New Zealand Herald, National News: Most Inmates Do Nothing In Jail.

Contradicting headline from Gay.com: Philly Mulls More Condoms in Prison.

Clearly these clever convicts are finding SOMETHING (or someONE) to do.

****
According to the Science Daily, researcher Roger Angel at the University of Arizona has come up with a solution to global warming and I for one am shocked. Mostly because I didn't know there was any actual academics going on at the University of Arizona. The University of Arizona is routinely ranked in Playboy's list of top party schools, and I think Angel's proposed solution to global warming is evidence of that. He's suggesting that we place what is essentially a giant parasol over the world to protect it from the harmful effects of the sun. I'm guessing this replaces his original theory of replacing the ozone with SPF 15 sunscreen. And even that built off of his earlier "stay inside" research.

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Discovery Channel News: Lifespan Longer in Low Body-Temp Mice.

Question: Why are we trying to prolong the life of mice anyway? Am I the only one who remembers the good old days when all we did to mice was give them cancer?

Labels: Cancer, Comedy, Gay, News, News Round Up

Today I was using a public computer to check my e-mail, which always seems a little bit like archeology to me. You know what you're looking for and you have a vague idea where it is but you have to dig through a lot of crap to get to it. And occasionally you stumble onto some piece of buried treasure you didn't expect.

Today I opened a strange new browser and stumbled onto this nugget, an article exposing the horrors of celebrity over exposure. Genius, I thought. What better way to stick it to celebrities who are over exposed than to write an article about them replete with full color photos and a description of all of their current exploits? They are clearly applying the "Old Time Rock and Roll" method of diplomacy made famous by Bob Seger. Seger, as you'll recall, had had it with new music that "ain't got the same soul" so he decided to write some new music about how much new music sucks. Touche Mr. Seger, you cut them to the quick!

The article was in Forbes Magazine's online edition. Forbes? Remember when that was about money and power and being a closeted gay magazine publisher? Once the Capitalist Tool and the voice of the Reagan years, now they're telling me that Jessica Simpson has a line of "edible" bath and body treats called Dessert Beauty...which I can only imagine tastes like silicone and desperation.

The article goes on to quote Star magazine's Bonnie Fuller as saying "for somebody who is less talented, it can often give them a career that they wouldn't have had at all," she says. "It may not last for that long, but it does give them something for a while."

And really America, isn't that the least we could do? Give people something to do for awhile? These poor unfortunately gorgeous people with limitless amounts of cash aimlessly wandering about the world mating with other similarly shackled individuals. How can they live like that? They know nothing of the beauties of the thankless job or living paycheck to paycheck. They don't know the simple joys of living off of credit or missing a student loan payment. So isn't suffering through Employee of the Month the LEAST we could do for our little Jessica?

Labels: Bob Seger, Comedy, Hollywood, Jessica Simpson, Malcolm Forbes

I have a lot of news on my Google Homepage. I try to read it everyday, but what usually ends up happening is that somewhere around 3a.m. I run out of time so I start scanning headlines and making up stories. Here's today's batch....

The BBC News UK Edition leads off with this curious tag: "Man 'Duped' Over Fertiliser Store." Who among us hasn't fallen prey to the siren song of the mythical fertilizer store?

The New Zealand Herald triumphantly reports that, "NZ Students Perform Well Compared to Others." Now come on New Zealand, you know better than to compare yourself to others. You are a beautiful and unique snowflake. There is not another country in the world who is exactly like you. You are precious and so are your students. Besides, how hard is it to perform well compared to American students? NZ, if you can find yourself on a map you're doing better than U.S. students, but I still don't think you should base your self esteem around it.

Fox News leads with this headline: "British Man Trampled To Death By Elephant While On Honeymoon." While CNN lead with a more modest and some would say more newsworthy: "Dam Collapse in Nigeria Destroys 1,500 Homes." Take note CNN, THAT is why Fox news is on top of the news game. They know what people want in their news: love, death and elephants.

Time Magazine has a story titled "Campaign 2006: The Republican's Secret Weapon" and "Why Torture is Still an Option." Presumably those are two separate stories, but don't be surprised if voting machines "require" electrodes to be placed on your genitals.

That's all from News Central. Good night and good riddance.

Labels: BBC News, CNN, Comedy, Elephants, Fertilizer, Fox News, Google, New Zealand, News, News Round Up, Nigeria, Republican Party, Time Magazine, Torture

Ok, did everyone else know this and just forget to tell me? How come I had to read about it in the Christian Science Monitor? The Army has its own video game?!

This is why satire is so hard: you have to stay ahead of the curve. Back in June I wrote a post about the video game Silent Scope where I suggested that the Army was using it as a new recruitment method like the alien army did in the movie The Last Starfighter (1984). Now I know a lot of you are thinking, "Hey, the army is reading your blog and putting your great , albeit alarmingly short-sighted ideas into action!" Well, think again. The video game came out in 1992. I was merely 14 years behind the diabolical masterminds at the Pentagon who were, in turn, 8 years behind Hollywood. I'm not sure who should be more embarrassed about that.

I would have never pegged Bush for a video game player, but it kind of makes its own warped sort of sense. When you start a new game (Iraqi Freedom, Democracy's Deathgrip!) it takes you awhile to get a hang of the strategy. In massive multi-player games there is a pretty steep learning curve, especially if you don't know where all the power ups (They aided Al-Queda, they had nuclear capabilities and SUPPORT THE TROOPS!) and hidden weapons caches are. And no matter how many first person shooters you play (like Afghanistani Apocalypse or Tora-Bora and the Terror Below!) they all have their own peculiar quirks (What do you mean they don't think of us as liberators? Well we'll show them! Now we'll never leave!) I'm sure the Bush administration is just looking for the reset button on Iraq so they can call a do-over. And you know, now that they know what the "evil-doers" will actually do it should go a lot more smoothly this time around.

Just a word of warning: the cheat codes you get from the Polish only allow you to use the word "coalition" in speeches. They don't give you any actual ammo. And you're gonna need a lot of ammo because I hear it takes 15 clips (and years of rhetoric) to finish off that last guy.

Labels: America's Army, Comedy, Embarassment, Hollywood, Lost Post, Military, News, Silent Scope, The Last Starfighter, Video Games

As a comic there is nothing I love more than fixing other people's stories and reality in general. Whenever I hear someone telling a story that sucks I take mental note (sometimes ACTUAL notes are required) and then I will critique the story when the person is done wasting my time. This is one of the reasons I was asked to stop coming to church. As it turns out The Gospels aren't SUPPOSED to be funny. Whatever. Their loss!

Here's a quick example of short (albeit LAME) story that I spiced up with a few minor additions.

Original Story
"My brother-in-law builds and programs computers."

The Fix
"My brother-in-law builds computers FROM THINGS HE HAS AROUND THE HOUSE and programs them TO KILL!"

See? Better!

I was reminded of this tonight at work because Theo, a co-worker of mine, was on crutches.

The Story
"I sprained my ankle coming down the steps last night."

BORING!

The Fix
Theo's father was the last surviving Ninja of the Dagger Fist Clan. The rest of the clan was killed off when one of their members sold them out to a rival clan, The Black Star Clan, and revealed the location of their secret training facility. Theo's father only survived because he was left for dead. He was, of course, not dead but was simply trapped under rubble where he survived for three days on cockroaches and his steely nerves. When he was finally able to get his strength back he escaped to a small village nearby where he married and impregnated a local village girl. His son, Theo, was raised in the ninja ways from the time he was a small child. As Theo grew older he learned to hate the evil Black Star Clan and swore his vengeance on them and all their kinsmen. But there was one thing Theo did not count on: Love.

Theo fell in love with Xia Wu. It was only after he had professed his love for her that he realized that she was the daughter of the head of the Black Star Clan. This did not change the young lovers feelings toward each other and they swore they would be married one day. When news of this new Dagger Fist ninja reached the Black Star Clan they quickly figured out that they did not finish the job they had started so many years ago. So they hunt down Theo's father and kill him in front of the whole village as a warning to anyone who might be swayed to their cause. They also learn from the scared villagers that Theo, now the LAST ninja of the Dagger Hand Clan, has taken up with the daughter of the Black Star Clan's master. The master hatches a plan to kidnap his own daughter to lure Theo out of hiding. They tie her up in an old fireworks factory on the outskirts of town and surround the factory with a hundred ninjas to dispatch with the ninja who comes to save her. Theo arrives and rescues Xia and as they escape, he sprains his ankle coming down the stairs.

BETTER!

Labels: Comedy, Friends, Stories

My wife did not take my name when we got married. She chose the more commonplace Hughes over the more infuriatingly Germanic Gummert. We both agreed that it had done enough emotional and psychological damage in MY life that there was no use knowingly inflicting it on someone who has a choice in the matter.

This has been only an occasional source of frustration for the two of us. Most commonly it is when my grandmother addresses mail to Chris and Jen Gummert or Mr. and Mrs. Gummert or Whats-His-Face and The Other One. But more often than not it is a endlessly amusing to us that people refer to us by the wrong name, especially when they refer to me as Mr. Hughes.

Once Jen fainted at a movie (Jen swears she doesn't think Jennifer Aniston's acting is THAT bad, but apparently her body disagrees!) and we went to the emergency room. She was fine, but the doctor wrote me a note to stay home from work and watch her the next day just to make sure that she didn't pass out again. He wrote the note for "Chris Hughes."

Today I got a phone call from a telemarketer. This is a fairly common occurrence since we've moved and haven't had the time to circulate our new number among our friends. Frankly, I don't know why I even answer if the phone number doesn't show up on caller ID.

"Hello?"

No response. Dead air.

"Hello?"

"Hello?" comes the answer, almost like she didn't expect anyone to answer at all.

"Hi."

"May I speak to Mr. Huge?"

I was certain I didn't hear that right so I asked her to repeat her question.

"May I speak to Mr. Huge?" she asked with the utmost confidence in her pronunciation.

Mr Huge? Really? How did she know my nickname? Clearly those internet ads were working!

"This is Mr. Huge and let me assure that it's not just a clever name. So before you ask any further questions, let me assure you that all the rumors are true...although I suspect that donkey had a weak heart to begin with! I'm not surprised you called. Mr. Huge is a legend. A man among men and a God among ladies. Mr. Huge is a state of mind, a way of life, a journey to the edge of insanity and back again on a pink, pulsating, pleasure raft. Those who see it never recover from the shock. People run away screaming at the mere mention of it. Others choose to just set up camp in the ample shade it provides. In fact a small Guatemalan family has taken up residence near the tip in a smart-looking bungalow. It's THAT big! Suffice it to say I don't buy pants off the rack anymore.'"

Then out loud I said, "There's no one here by that name."

Labels: Comedy, Jen, Marriage, Phone

This fine looking piece of precision crafted automobile is the 2006 Jaguar S-TYPE R. It features such amenities as:

-400-horsepower supercharged 4.2-liter V8 -•5.3-second 0-60 mph acceleration
-DVD-based Navigation system
-Bluetooth ® wireless technology
-Contoured, 16-way driver and 12-way passenger heated seats with driver memory
-Gray-stained Bird´s-eye Maple wood trim
-Available race-inspired aluminum trim

And it is priced to move starting at a modest $63,995.

I was stuck behind one of these for ages today waiting for the driver to scrape together $.60 for the toll. Apparently $64,000 is exactly enough money to insulate you from other people's rage.

Labels: Anger, Chicago, Comedy

The musical Wicked has been playing in Chicago for over a year now and its popularity shows no signs of waning. This is mostly due to the fact that its fan base is 14 year old girls who wouldn't know good theater if Kander and Ebb both bit them on the ass. Working at the Blue Man Group I see a lot of these same 14 year old girls at our theater too. And I know that we get that same demographic because they are all wearing THIS:












What marketing genius decided that barely pubescent girls need to have DEFY GRAVITY written across their chest? Isn't that just bragging? Gravity hasn't had a chance to work it's dark arts on them yet, but it will. Soon they'll need larger and more complicated feats of engineering to maintain the veneer of youth that came so easy in their teens. Gravity is a harsh mistress! Then one day they wake up and realize that no matter how much work they put into it, no matter how they primp and preen and tuck, no matter how they gird themselves against reality, all signs still point south. It's a short trip from that realization to becoming the crazy cat-lady on the edge of town who spends her social security money on lotto tickets and TV dinners. Come back in 30 years and we'll see who's defiant then.

In other boobie news, Janet Jackson has decided that the best way to show off the results of her recent diet is to pose topless for Vibe Magazine. As you may remember the world has already seen her breasts on live television during the Super Bowl half time show. When Vibe asked how she feels about all the attention she gain from that display she had this to say, "It's just over and done with. It's old. It's the past. It's history. I'm onto something new. Everybody got their licks in - those who wanted to - and it's done."

Now, I'm no publicist, but here's a quick list of words and phrases you wanna avoid when referring to your 40 year old breasts:

Over and done with
Old
In the past
History
Everybody got their licks in

I guess since Michael disappeared off the face of the Earth there has been a void of Jackson Family brand weirdness in the press. Thanks for stepping up Janet, but really, Tito could use the work.

Labels: Celebrity, Chicago, Comedy, Hollywood, Theater

Before I begin this post, let me remind everyone that my mom subscribes to this blog. And at times this space can get a little racy. So, as a token of goodwill, I would like to start out with a word to her: "Aren't recipe's GREAT?!"

Ok, that link should keep her busy for hours. But just in case she tries to sneak back in here I'm gonna post this too....














She'll be so mesmerized by the cuteness she may never recover.

Now, I don't know how I became the collector of rare and odd iPod accessory knowledge, but this is the most bizarre one ever. Honestly, I'm not sure how I feel about this. It's the iPod vibrator called the OhMiBod. (I guess I feel...tingley?!)

It's the ultimate in plug-and-play-with-yourself technology. You plug the vibrator into your iPod earphone jack (you plug the other end somewhere completely different!) and then it vibrates to the rhythm and intensity of the music.

Here is an actual question from the OhMiBod FAQ page:

"Q: Can I use OhMiBod in the car?
A: The simple answer is yes - but we don't recommend it (could be a bit distracting to your driving). But if you are a passenger - we say go for it!"

For the record I'd just like to state that in Chicago it is illegal to use your cell phone while operating an automobile. I think this is a touch more distracting than that. But I can't wait until the legislation catches up to this! Those open hearings will elicit testimony that will necessitate city council meetings have a cover charge and a two drink minimum!

You can even go on iTunes and download OhMiBod playlists featuring songs that give you the most bang for your buck...literally. There are playlists with as few as 5 songs or as many as 15 songs. Frankly, if you need 15 songs, well you're just bragging.

Labels: Chicago, Comedy, iPod, Naughty