The Intelligence Estimate

Clearly Alberto Fernandez needs to be in the loop a little more.

Fernandez, a senior State Department official, was quoted by CNN's web site as saying, '"History will decide what role the United States played," he said in Arabic, based on CNN translations. "And, God willing, we tried to do our best in Iraq. "But I think there is a big possibility (inaudible) for extreme criticism and because undoubtedly there was arrogance and stupidity from the United States in Iraq."'

To make matters worse, he said that on Al Jazeera... the Fox News of the Middle East.

Obviously he hadn't heard that President Bush had, only days before, convened a meeting with high level authorities on Iraq and released this statement: "I've had an uplifting and heartwarming conversation with fellow citizens of all ages from across our country who are supporting our troops. These folks don't really care about politics; what they care about is how best to send a strong message to the men and women who wear our uniform that America supports them."

That press release carried the revealing title of "President Bush Meets With Organizations That Support The United States Military in Iraq and Afghanistan." As opposed to those Algonquin Round Table salons he's used to holding with the the great minds of the day. (Henry Kissinger, I'm looking at YOU!)

So I guess that it is no surprise that today Fernendez said that he misspoke when he talked to Al Jazeera. '"This represents neither my views nor those of the State Department. I apologize," the statement (from Fernandez) said.' No, the view that the our efforts in Iraq are stupid is merely the belief 55% of the American public. Thankfully none of that 55% has any decision making capacity in Washington D.C. or else the terrorists would have already won.

In a related story, the Merriam-Webster word of the day for Sunday was, "weltschmerz: a mental depression or apathy caused by comparison of the actual state of the world with an ideal state."

Labels: Al Jazeera, Alberto Fernandez, CNN, Fox News, Military, President Bush, Presidential Announcements, Republican Party, State Department, Wag The Dog, White House

I present to you today a new, relatively self-explanatory segment called "He Said...He Meant...." First on the chopping block? This Statement by President Bush on a population milestone.

He Said...
For more than two centuries, America has been a beacon of hope and opportunity for people around the world, millions of whom came here to live in freedom and make better lives for themselves and their families. Today, we celebrate a significant milestone - the population of the United States has now reached 300 million. Our continued growth is a testament to our country's dynamism and a reminder that America's greatest asset is our people.

America is built on a shared love of freedom and a belief in the dignity and matchless value of every human being. Our confidence in our people has carried us to ever greater achievements in all areas of human endeavor and allowed us to remain the world's most vibrant and innovative country. And so long as we insist on high standards in education, place our trust in the talents and ingenuity of ordinary Americans, and protect our freedoms, we will remain the land of opportunity for generations to come. We welcome this milestone as further proof that the American Dream remains as bright and hopeful as ever.

He Meant
For more than two centuries, America has been a beacon of hope and opportunity for people around the world...and we're OK with that as long as they stay in their godless, unpronounceable little hell holes of perpetual poverty. Those sweat shops aren't gonna staff themselves, you know?

However, millions of them insisted on coming here to live in freedom and make better lives for themselves and their families. Today, we celebrate a significant milestone - the population of the United States has now reached 300 million. Our continued growth is a testament to our country's dynamism. It is also a stern rebuke to the enemies of freedom that would have you believe that the policies of my administration are making this country unfit to live in. I say to those people, "if that were true, would our population keep increasing?" Ha, gotcha!

This is also a reminder that America's greatest asset is our people. Because it is people, not corporations, that pay taxes. It is people, not legislators, who fight wars. It is people, not presidents, who get blamed when the shit hits the fan. And believe me, there is some shit out there.

America is built on a shared love of freedom and a belief in the dignity and matchless value of every human being. It was also built on the back of slaves. Lesser minds would find that ironic, even contradictory. I am not one of those minds. We rescued the darkies from their barbaric land of death and destruction and gave them a more peaceful way of life here in our cotton fields and tobacco farms. So too today we show our less fortunate brethren that same kind of opportunity for advancement. With decades of mind numbing labor and significant credit card debt, they too can hope to one day live the American Dream.

Our confidence in our people has carried us to ever greater achievements in all areas of human endeavor and allowed us to remain the world's most vibrant and innovative country. And so long as we insist on high standards in education we will be disappointed. Better to So long as we place our trust in the talents and ingenuity of ordinary Americans we can make a swift dollar off of them. Hooray for the dirty immigrants!

Political Subtext
Latinos vote.

Labels: He Said...He Meant..., Immigration, Politics, President Bush, Presidential Announcements, Republican Party

I have a lot of news on my Google Homepage. I try to read it everyday, but what usually ends up happening is that somewhere around 3a.m. I run out of time so I start scanning headlines and making up stories. Here's today's batch....

The BBC News UK Edition leads off with this curious tag: "Man 'Duped' Over Fertiliser Store." Who among us hasn't fallen prey to the siren song of the mythical fertilizer store?

The New Zealand Herald triumphantly reports that, "NZ Students Perform Well Compared to Others." Now come on New Zealand, you know better than to compare yourself to others. You are a beautiful and unique snowflake. There is not another country in the world who is exactly like you. You are precious and so are your students. Besides, how hard is it to perform well compared to American students? NZ, if you can find yourself on a map you're doing better than U.S. students, but I still don't think you should base your self esteem around it.

Fox News leads with this headline: "British Man Trampled To Death By Elephant While On Honeymoon." While CNN lead with a more modest and some would say more newsworthy: "Dam Collapse in Nigeria Destroys 1,500 Homes." Take note CNN, THAT is why Fox news is on top of the news game. They know what people want in their news: love, death and elephants.

Time Magazine has a story titled "Campaign 2006: The Republican's Secret Weapon" and "Why Torture is Still an Option." Presumably those are two separate stories, but don't be surprised if voting machines "require" electrodes to be placed on your genitals.

That's all from News Central. Good night and good riddance.

Labels: BBC News, CNN, Comedy, Elephants, Fertilizer, Fox News, Google, New Zealand, News, News Round Up, Nigeria, Republican Party, Time Magazine, Torture

The House of Yaweh is a doomsday cult started in Abilene, Texas that has a very large following in Kenya for some reason. I haven't quite figured out that part of the story yet. I thought they would have branched out into maybe Oklahoma or Louisiana or, if they're really ambitious, even Mexico. I don't know why they figured Kenya was the next logical domino to fall to their end times rhetoric. I suspect the Kenyan Chamber of Commerce lured them with tax breaks and a large spec building on the outskirts of town in the newly developed Cult Park Improvement Corridor.

Well, the Kenyan sect seems to have come unhinged...well, maybe not by doomsday cult standards, but certainly to the eyes of the Kenyan government. According to an article on Reuters the Kenyan sect was preaching a nuclear holocaust that was to have begun on September 12th between the U.S. and North Korea. To prepare themselves for this seemingly inevitable catastrophe they built an underground bunker, which, to the local authorities, seemed more like a shoddily built hole in the ground. (Where's our spec building?) So the government, who apparently have very strict zoning regulations for underground bunkers and other miscellaneous crack pot structures, made them reinforce the walls with wooden pillars. In the cult's defense I guess if they thought the lord was going to defend them from a nuclear holocaust it was just a given that he would protect them from shitty carpentry.

"'Those who have been doubting us will in hours be ashamed and if the effect of the war is not felt here, then let the police arrest us,' Mosheh Sang, leader of the sect in Kenya, told journalists while packing sacks of flour into a bunker," Reuters reported. "We shall stay in the bunkers for a period of one year."

Well imagine the cult's dismay when, despite the best efforts of the Bush administration, there was no nuclear holocaust. Well they decided to hole up in their bunker for a year anyway. They'd already had a year's supply of dried fermented corn flour and if didn't start eating it right away it would just go bad...or go worse I suppose.

Sang told reporters that the nuclear war only failed to get going due to "difference in international time zones."

I'm starting to lose faith in today's cult leaders. At least when Orel Roberts was not "called back to heaven" for failing to raise enough money it was all a miraculous part of God's grand design. (And by "grand design" apparently God meant "fundraising campaign.") But all Sang gives you is, "Sorry. Technical error. We've got our boys in IT working on it right now. In the meantime, could everyone just reboot their CPUs? We apologize for any inconvenience and assure you that the infidels will be cleansed by...uh...a week from Thursday at the latest."

People want their cult leaders to rule them with an iron fist. To give them absolute, hard and fast, black and white rules to live by. They want their cult leaders to clear up any messy ambiguity in their lives and replace it with mechanized routine and robotic efficiency. They want to have their marching orders. They want to be told what to think and how to feel. They want to be freed from the surly bonds of rational thought. And that, my friends , is why there is a Republican Party!

Labels: Cult, House of Yaweh, Kenya, Lost Post, North Korea, Nuclear War, Orel Roberts, Religion, Republican Party