The Intelligence Estimate

I woke up this morning to reports that North Korea had successfully tested a nuclear missle. The story on NPR was rather lengthy, but I was also rather tired. And while the story put up a good fight, sleep won out. When I woke a half an hour later I went to the computer to check the days headlines.

"North Korea Successfully Tests Nuclear Missile." Well, that's what it actually said, but what I read was "North DAKOTA Successfully Tests Nuclear Missile." And for some reason I found that much more frightening. Because, think about it, what do you really know about North Dakota? I mean, just the fact that there are two Dakotas automatically makes me a little suspicious. That to me says that one of them couldn't get along with the other so it packed up it's statehood and moved north. That's shifty.

But it wants us to believe otherwise. It's just a lonely little state up there on the border with Canada minding it's own business, right? But those are the types you've got to keep your eye on. You know what the neighbors always say when they find out they were living next to a serial killer: "He was so quiet, always kept to himself." I'm watching you North Dakota!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some sleep to catch up on.

Labels: News, North Korea, Nuclear War, Weird News

The House of Yaweh is a doomsday cult started in Abilene, Texas that has a very large following in Kenya for some reason. I haven't quite figured out that part of the story yet. I thought they would have branched out into maybe Oklahoma or Louisiana or, if they're really ambitious, even Mexico. I don't know why they figured Kenya was the next logical domino to fall to their end times rhetoric. I suspect the Kenyan Chamber of Commerce lured them with tax breaks and a large spec building on the outskirts of town in the newly developed Cult Park Improvement Corridor.

Well, the Kenyan sect seems to have come unhinged...well, maybe not by doomsday cult standards, but certainly to the eyes of the Kenyan government. According to an article on Reuters the Kenyan sect was preaching a nuclear holocaust that was to have begun on September 12th between the U.S. and North Korea. To prepare themselves for this seemingly inevitable catastrophe they built an underground bunker, which, to the local authorities, seemed more like a shoddily built hole in the ground. (Where's our spec building?) So the government, who apparently have very strict zoning regulations for underground bunkers and other miscellaneous crack pot structures, made them reinforce the walls with wooden pillars. In the cult's defense I guess if they thought the lord was going to defend them from a nuclear holocaust it was just a given that he would protect them from shitty carpentry.

"'Those who have been doubting us will in hours be ashamed and if the effect of the war is not felt here, then let the police arrest us,' Mosheh Sang, leader of the sect in Kenya, told journalists while packing sacks of flour into a bunker," Reuters reported. "We shall stay in the bunkers for a period of one year."

Well imagine the cult's dismay when, despite the best efforts of the Bush administration, there was no nuclear holocaust. Well they decided to hole up in their bunker for a year anyway. They'd already had a year's supply of dried fermented corn flour and if didn't start eating it right away it would just go bad...or go worse I suppose.

Sang told reporters that the nuclear war only failed to get going due to "difference in international time zones."

I'm starting to lose faith in today's cult leaders. At least when Orel Roberts was not "called back to heaven" for failing to raise enough money it was all a miraculous part of God's grand design. (And by "grand design" apparently God meant "fundraising campaign.") But all Sang gives you is, "Sorry. Technical error. We've got our boys in IT working on it right now. In the meantime, could everyone just reboot their CPUs? We apologize for any inconvenience and assure you that the infidels will be cleansed by...uh...a week from Thursday at the latest."

People want their cult leaders to rule them with an iron fist. To give them absolute, hard and fast, black and white rules to live by. They want their cult leaders to clear up any messy ambiguity in their lives and replace it with mechanized routine and robotic efficiency. They want to have their marching orders. They want to be told what to think and how to feel. They want to be freed from the surly bonds of rational thought. And that, my friends , is why there is a Republican Party!

Labels: Cult, House of Yaweh, Kenya, Lost Post, North Korea, Nuclear War, Orel Roberts, Religion, Republican Party