Welcome back. You've been gone for over a month. Where have you been? Whatcha up to? Fascinating!
Now, a "regular feature" that's been highly irregular lately: The News Round-Up
Fox News
SPICE GIRLS Announce Reunion for 11-Date World Tour
...world announces plans to be out of town that weekend.
CNN
Town Mourns 5 Cheerleaders Killed In Crash
I don't know how cheerleaders were in YOUR town, but I'm sure that the town wasn't THAT upset. I'm sure the chess club wasn't that shaken by it. All that cheering sort of breaks your concentration in the big chess meets.
And honestly, do you really need to be told when to cheer? Think about it, have you ever been at ball game and thought, "I might have been excited by that. If only there were someone here to tell me how to feel!"
US News and World Report
Some Antidepressants Pose Birth Defect Risks
...but your so happy you just don't give a damn!
Labels: CNN, Fox News, News Round Up, US News and World Report
Have you been feeling a little smarter than normal lately? It's like due to The Associated Press' week long ban on reporting about Paris Hilton. The wire service giant decided to run a little experiment because, "...editors just wanted to see what would happen if we didn't cover this media phenomenon, this creature of the Internet gossip age, for a full week. After that, we'd take it day by day. Would anyone care? Would anyone notice? And would that tell us something interesting?"
The answers, across the board, were a resounding "NO." In fact, the only reason anyone knew that the AP had stopped reporting on Paris Hilton was that they read about it in a news story FROM THE ASSOCIATED PRESS! In a still more perplexing feat of journalistic gymnastics the story then went on to recount every minute of Paris' life from the past week. (Selling perfume to Puerto Rico you say? DO TELL!) Fox News, which ran the AP story, even went so far as to add a link to even more stories about Paris Hilton. Say what you will about those compassion deficient bastards at Fox News (Don't mind if I do. AHEM! They eat the hearts of newborn children!) but they knew how badly you've been needing a Paris fix!
What finally broke the Paris news embargo? Paris got ticketed for driving with a suspended license, a bit of information that, by the AP's own admission, is not news. And yet they readily admit to putting out a 300 word story on it. So in one sentence they can deride other news sources for awarding this talentless pile of steaming entitlement her celebrity status and in the next sentence cater to the celebrity junkies who want to pick through the contents of her latest bowel movement. (And by bowel movement I mean "album." She doesn't make the distinction, why should I?)
Well rest assured that our long collective nightmare of informative news gathering is at an end and soon we can settle back into the comforting rhythm of nursing at the tit of celebrity news. The irrelevance WILL be televised!
Labels: Associated Press, Fox News, Hollywood, Internet, News, Paris Hilton
This is an actual story that was on Fox News this morning. There has been no doctoring of these photos. These are screen captures from my computer taken at around 6:30 this morning. I took the screen captures because I don't know how long the story will stay up in its current form. What story?
'Law & Order: SUV' May Be Over Soon
You all remember the hit TV series Law & Order, right? Well it was so popular that it spawned a spin off that I always thought was called Law & Order: SVU, or Special Victims Unit. But now, only after it's too late, do I learn that it was really named for the ubiquitous Sport Utility Vehicles that figured so heavily in numerous plot lines.
Who can forget the riveting story of a Manhattan brother and sister who conspired to pull the spark plug on their Hummer for the insurance money? Or the Escalade that was found dead by the side of the road and it turned out that his wife had been sleeping with a Rav4 with ties to the mafia? Or the story of the sniper who wait by the interstate picking off poor defenseless Lincoln Navigators? Timeless.
Rest in peace Law & Order: SUV. We hardly knew you.
EDIT: It is now 7:21 and the story's headline has been corrected, but the headline on my Google homepage is still wrong.
Labels: Fox News, Hollywood, Television, Weird News
From Fox News, who is trying to appeal to the NASCAR demographic just a bit too much it seems, come this sensationalistic, knock-the-beer-out-of-your-over-sized-novelty-hat story entitled: Man Runs Over, Eats Seven Legged Transgendered Deer. '"It was definitely a freak of nature," (Rick) Lisko said. "I guess it's a real rarity." "He (Lisko) said he slowed down as the buck and two does ran across the driveway Nov. 22, but the buck ran under the truck and got hit."
Apparently the Wisconsin deer not only had extra (and under developed, crab-like pincer legs) but it also had both male and female parts.
But just how did the deer die?
"'Bilgo (The DNR Representative) took photos and sent information on the animal to DNR wildlife managers.'"
I, as someone who has spent the better part of the last 12 years glued to the Internet, assumed that the link would take you to photos that the DNR had posted of this unique specimen. I thought it was a little weird that FOX hadn't included them in the original story, but I assumed there was some kind of copyright problem. But when I clicked on the link it took me to an ask.com page listing various photo hosting/printing services. Here's a little tip for Fox News, if the target audience of your writing needs to have digital photography and Internet hosting explained to them then you probably don't need to go ahead and post the story on your web site.
Labels: Fox News, News, Transgendered Seven Legged Deer, Weird News
Fox News has lost it's freakin' mind. Here are the top three stories on Fox News as of 11:54 a.m. :
Cops: Man Paints Goats, Leaves Porn to Harass NY Neighbor
Report: The Wiggles' Lead Singer May Quit Due to Illness
Britney Spears, Out With Paris Hilton, Flashes Nether Region
I never thought I'd live to see the day when Britney Spears' snatch would take precedence over the War on Christmas, War on Terror and War on Common Sense that rages over at Fox News. The Democrats run the House and the Senate so I find it VERY hard to believe that there isn't some preemptive bitching that could be done about them driving us all toward a catastrophic end and a premature rapture.
Although I will give them credit for getting the terms "Goat," "Wiggles," and Britney Spear's "Nether Regions" altogether on a "news" site.
Labels: Britney Spears, Fox News, Goats, Naughty, News, Paris Hilton, Wiggles
The Problem With America In A Nutshell
0 Comments Published by Chris on Tuesday, November 07, 2006 at 4:08 PM.
Oh the power of poor punctuation: 7-11 Pulls Energy Drink Over Name, Cocaine.
Labels: Fox News, Grammar, Weird News
Clearly Alberto Fernandez needs to be in the loop a little more.
Fernandez, a senior State Department official, was quoted by CNN's web site as saying, '"History will decide what role the United States played," he said in Arabic, based on CNN translations. "And, God willing, we tried to do our best in Iraq. "But I think there is a big possibility (inaudible) for extreme criticism and because undoubtedly there was arrogance and stupidity from the United States in Iraq."'
To make matters worse, he said that on Al Jazeera... the Fox News of the Middle East.
Obviously he hadn't heard that President Bush had, only days before, convened a meeting with high level authorities on Iraq and released this statement: "I've had an uplifting and heartwarming conversation with fellow citizens of all ages from across our country who are supporting our troops. These folks don't really care about politics; what they care about is how best to send a strong message to the men and women who wear our uniform that America supports them."
That press release carried the revealing title of "President Bush Meets With Organizations That Support The United States Military in Iraq and Afghanistan." As opposed to those Algonquin Round Table salons he's used to holding with the the great minds of the day. (Henry Kissinger, I'm looking at YOU!)
So I guess that it is no surprise that today Fernendez said that he misspoke when he talked to Al Jazeera. '"This represents neither my views nor those of the State Department. I apologize," the statement (from Fernandez) said.' No, the view that the our efforts in Iraq are stupid is merely the belief 55% of the American public. Thankfully none of that 55% has any decision making capacity in Washington D.C. or else the terrorists would have already won.
In a related story, the Merriam-Webster word of the day for Sunday was, "weltschmerz: a mental depression or apathy caused by comparison of the actual state of the world with an ideal state."
Labels: Al Jazeera, Alberto Fernandez, CNN, Fox News, Military, President Bush, Presidential Announcements, Republican Party, State Department, Wag The Dog, White House
I have a lot of news on my Google Homepage. I try to read it everyday, but what usually ends up happening is that somewhere around 3a.m. I run out of time so I start scanning headlines and making up stories. Here's today's batch....
The BBC News UK Edition leads off with this curious tag: "Man 'Duped' Over Fertiliser Store." Who among us hasn't fallen prey to the siren song of the mythical fertilizer store?
The New Zealand Herald triumphantly reports that, "NZ Students Perform Well Compared to Others." Now come on New Zealand, you know better than to compare yourself to others. You are a beautiful and unique snowflake. There is not another country in the world who is exactly like you. You are precious and so are your students. Besides, how hard is it to perform well compared to American students? NZ, if you can find yourself on a map you're doing better than U.S. students, but I still don't think you should base your self esteem around it.
Fox News leads with this headline: "British Man Trampled To Death By Elephant While On Honeymoon." While CNN lead with a more modest and some would say more newsworthy: "Dam Collapse in Nigeria Destroys 1,500 Homes." Take note CNN, THAT is why Fox news is on top of the news game. They know what people want in their news: love, death and elephants.
Time Magazine has a story titled "Campaign 2006: The Republican's Secret Weapon" and "Why Torture is Still an Option." Presumably those are two separate stories, but don't be surprised if voting machines "require" electrodes to be placed on your genitals.
That's all from News Central. Good night and good riddance.
Labels: BBC News, CNN, Comedy, Elephants, Fertilizer, Fox News, Google, New Zealand, News, News Round Up, Nigeria, Republican Party, Time Magazine, Torture
