The Intelligence Estimate

Welcome back. You've been gone for over a month. Where have you been? Whatcha up to? Fascinating!

Now, a "regular feature" that's been highly irregular lately: The News Round-Up

Fox News
SPICE GIRLS Announce Reunion for 11-Date World Tour
...world announces plans to be out of town that weekend.

CNN
Town Mourns 5 Cheerleaders Killed In Crash
I don't know how cheerleaders were in YOUR town, but I'm sure that the town wasn't THAT upset. I'm sure the chess club wasn't that shaken by it. All that cheering sort of breaks your concentration in the big chess meets.

And honestly, do you really need to be told when to cheer? Think about it, have you ever been at ball game and thought, "I might have been excited by that. If only there were someone here to tell me how to feel!"

US News and World Report
Some Antidepressants Pose Birth Defect Risks
...but your so happy you just don't give a damn!

Labels: CNN, Fox News, News Round Up, US News and World Report

All is not right in the land of the House that Mouse built. The top three headlines from the Orlando Sentinel:
SeaWorld to Investigate Whale Attack
Teen is Killed When SUV Strikes Bicycle
Girl Killed After ATV Collides With Cow

The ATV story is especially perplexing because the police intend to not only investigate the crash but to actually reenact it as well. That is going to confuse the hell out of that cow.

****
Scientists Identify Part of Hummingbirds Tiny Bird Brain That Helps it Hover, Science Daily.

Tiny bird brain? Was that really necessary? That's just petty. You know what that says to me about the author of that story? Jealous, jealous, jealous! I'm sure he's at some geek bar somewhere drowning his sorrows and screaming to people who are in line for the bathroom, "Yeah? Well if that hummingbird's so damned smart then let's see him write a story for the Science Daily!"

****
Harry Shearer has a new book out right now and he is flogging it in every possible venue. And I mean EVERY venue. At least that's what I took away from his interview with Psychology Today.

Harry Shearer Not Just Entertainment

That was the title that appeared on my homepage RSS reader, Not Just Entertainment. But after reading the article it a more appropriate title would have been Not Even Entertainment.

****
And from the "News Frat Boys Can Use" file ABC News brings us: Condoms Can Be Fun, Too.

A study in the UK journal The Lancet has found that promotion of the fun and sexual aspects of condom usage is more effective in getting people to use condoms. More effective than the previous campaigns that featured such slogans as "Every Time You Have Unprotected Sex God Kills a Puppy," "Use It Or Your Penis Will Fall Off," and "As Long as You're Whoring, Be Safe!"

****
According to the New Zealand Herald, looking like a trend-following troglodyte is not the biggest problem with tattoos anymore.

Man Contracts Flesh Eating Disease From a Tattoo

This is my favorite line from the whole article: "Dr (Margot) McLean says officials will work with the tattooist to improve his standards of infection control." In the interest of repeat business the tattoo artist believes it to be beneficial that his clients continue to have skin.

****
Can't Remember What You Just Read? Take a Nap...from ohhhh...some dumb magazine of other. I can't remember.

I need a nap.

Labels: News Round Up

Headline from New Zealand Herald, National News: Most Inmates Do Nothing In Jail.

Contradicting headline from Gay.com: Philly Mulls More Condoms in Prison.

Clearly these clever convicts are finding SOMETHING (or someONE) to do.

****
According to the Science Daily, researcher Roger Angel at the University of Arizona has come up with a solution to global warming and I for one am shocked. Mostly because I didn't know there was any actual academics going on at the University of Arizona. The University of Arizona is routinely ranked in Playboy's list of top party schools, and I think Angel's proposed solution to global warming is evidence of that. He's suggesting that we place what is essentially a giant parasol over the world to protect it from the harmful effects of the sun. I'm guessing this replaces his original theory of replacing the ozone with SPF 15 sunscreen. And even that built off of his earlier "stay inside" research.

****
Discovery Channel News: Lifespan Longer in Low Body-Temp Mice.

Question: Why are we trying to prolong the life of mice anyway? Am I the only one who remembers the good old days when all we did to mice was give them cancer?

Labels: Cancer, Comedy, Gay, News, News Round Up

I have a lot of news on my Google Homepage. I try to read it everyday, but what usually ends up happening is that somewhere around 3a.m. I run out of time so I start scanning headlines and making up stories. Here's today's batch....

The BBC News UK Edition leads off with this curious tag: "Man 'Duped' Over Fertiliser Store." Who among us hasn't fallen prey to the siren song of the mythical fertilizer store?

The New Zealand Herald triumphantly reports that, "NZ Students Perform Well Compared to Others." Now come on New Zealand, you know better than to compare yourself to others. You are a beautiful and unique snowflake. There is not another country in the world who is exactly like you. You are precious and so are your students. Besides, how hard is it to perform well compared to American students? NZ, if you can find yourself on a map you're doing better than U.S. students, but I still don't think you should base your self esteem around it.

Fox News leads with this headline: "British Man Trampled To Death By Elephant While On Honeymoon." While CNN lead with a more modest and some would say more newsworthy: "Dam Collapse in Nigeria Destroys 1,500 Homes." Take note CNN, THAT is why Fox news is on top of the news game. They know what people want in their news: love, death and elephants.

Time Magazine has a story titled "Campaign 2006: The Republican's Secret Weapon" and "Why Torture is Still an Option." Presumably those are two separate stories, but don't be surprised if voting machines "require" electrodes to be placed on your genitals.

That's all from News Central. Good night and good riddance.

Labels: BBC News, CNN, Comedy, Elephants, Fertilizer, Fox News, Google, New Zealand, News, News Round Up, Nigeria, Republican Party, Time Magazine, Torture