The Intelligence Estimate

I'm taping the State of the Union address right now so please don't tell me how it ends. I wanna be surprised to find out which country we're going to war with next. I got my eye on you Venezuela!

Labels: Politics, President Bush

According to an article in gay.com "scientists" at Oregon State University at working to turn gay sheep straight.

I'm gonna give that sentence a moment or two to sink in. Gay sheep, turned straight. University of Oregon. Research. Working. "Scientists." Ok? Let's continue.

Gay sheep. Before you begin any serious discussion about gay sheep (if there can in fact BE a serious conversation about the sexual preference of domesticated animals) you must first ask yourself, "How do you know the sheep are gay?" If I was forced to guess I would have to say that perhaps the gay sheep spend an unhealthy amount of time in a fraternity, but that is hardly scientific. Who had the unenviable job of sorting through the herd of sheep and determining which of the rams like to be rammed? Presumably lonely, socially awkward farm kids. In which case, didn't the sheep really just have gay thrust upon him...so to speak?

But in order for the issue to move any farther I suppose we need to conceed the point that gay sheep do exist and that that is where fabulous sweaters come from. Ok, point taken. But then the question becomes, how does one make a gay sheep straight? I'll let the gay.com article handle that explanation.

"According to the animal rights group PETA, Oregon Health and Science University experimenter Charles Roselli is medicating sheep to prevent the actions of hormones in their fetal brains. Roselli is also dissecting the brains of "male-oriented" (homosexual) rams in order to find the hormonal mechanisms behind homosexual tendencies . Once found, he hopes to change them."

Ahhhh, well, there you have it. Find out and change it. Uh-huh. There couldn't be more straight forward a scientific practice than that. Find it and change it. Perfectly clear. In fairness he's not saying that he WILL change it, only that he HOPES to change it. This seems to fall under the Bush Administration's Office of Faith-Based Science.

And what possible good could come from this tax-supported science, you ask? "According to the grant applications, the experimenters plan to extrapolate the test results to humans -- with the insidious implication that homosexuality in people can be 'cured.'"

For those of you who are keeping score of the science initiatives the Bush Administration will fund that's a NO on curing diseases with stem cell research and a YES to curing homosexuality.

Labels: Anger, Gay, Gay.com, News, Politics, President Bush, Religion, Science, Weird News

I present to you today a new, relatively self-explanatory segment called "He Said...He Meant...." First on the chopping block? This Statement by President Bush on a population milestone.

He Said...
For more than two centuries, America has been a beacon of hope and opportunity for people around the world, millions of whom came here to live in freedom and make better lives for themselves and their families. Today, we celebrate a significant milestone - the population of the United States has now reached 300 million. Our continued growth is a testament to our country's dynamism and a reminder that America's greatest asset is our people.

America is built on a shared love of freedom and a belief in the dignity and matchless value of every human being. Our confidence in our people has carried us to ever greater achievements in all areas of human endeavor and allowed us to remain the world's most vibrant and innovative country. And so long as we insist on high standards in education, place our trust in the talents and ingenuity of ordinary Americans, and protect our freedoms, we will remain the land of opportunity for generations to come. We welcome this milestone as further proof that the American Dream remains as bright and hopeful as ever.

He Meant
For more than two centuries, America has been a beacon of hope and opportunity for people around the world...and we're OK with that as long as they stay in their godless, unpronounceable little hell holes of perpetual poverty. Those sweat shops aren't gonna staff themselves, you know?

However, millions of them insisted on coming here to live in freedom and make better lives for themselves and their families. Today, we celebrate a significant milestone - the population of the United States has now reached 300 million. Our continued growth is a testament to our country's dynamism. It is also a stern rebuke to the enemies of freedom that would have you believe that the policies of my administration are making this country unfit to live in. I say to those people, "if that were true, would our population keep increasing?" Ha, gotcha!

This is also a reminder that America's greatest asset is our people. Because it is people, not corporations, that pay taxes. It is people, not legislators, who fight wars. It is people, not presidents, who get blamed when the shit hits the fan. And believe me, there is some shit out there.

America is built on a shared love of freedom and a belief in the dignity and matchless value of every human being. It was also built on the back of slaves. Lesser minds would find that ironic, even contradictory. I am not one of those minds. We rescued the darkies from their barbaric land of death and destruction and gave them a more peaceful way of life here in our cotton fields and tobacco farms. So too today we show our less fortunate brethren that same kind of opportunity for advancement. With decades of mind numbing labor and significant credit card debt, they too can hope to one day live the American Dream.

Our confidence in our people has carried us to ever greater achievements in all areas of human endeavor and allowed us to remain the world's most vibrant and innovative country. And so long as we insist on high standards in education we will be disappointed. Better to So long as we place our trust in the talents and ingenuity of ordinary Americans we can make a swift dollar off of them. Hooray for the dirty immigrants!

Political Subtext
Latinos vote.

Labels: He Said...He Meant..., Immigration, Politics, President Bush, Presidential Announcements, Republican Party

Mardin Amin, an Arab currently living in Skokie, Illinois (There's a sit-com there somewhere!), was charged with felony disorderly conduct after an August 16 incident at O'Hare International Airport. The security people checking his bag found an object they didn't recognize and asked him what it was. The security guard thought he said "bomb." The guard had him hauled away from his mother and daughter and he was detained for questioning.

Amin says he said, "pump", as in PENIS PUMP. And I believe Amin for two reasons. #1) No one carrying a bomb is going to buckle under the authority of an 80 year old TAS security screener and just blurt out BOMB. #2) He actually was carrying a penis pump. Why would he lie about that? Think about it, nobody would admit to carrying a penis pump if they didn't actually have a penis pump. No one hauls one of those babies out to impress people.

Now he could face up to three years in prison if found guilty of disorderly conduct. It's madness. He's embarrassed in front of his mother and daughter, charged with a felony for a misunderstanding and he basically has admitted in a court of law that he resorts to toys for stimulation. He's never getting laid again. Hasn't he suffered enough?

Labels: Chicago, Embarassment, Flying, News, Politics

According to a story by Reuters "Oddly Enough" News Service a Nazi-themed restaurant has just opened in Mumbai, India called Hitler's Cross. The restaurant, in addition to featuring a large hookah, is festooned with even larger pictures of Hitler.

"'This place is not about wars or crimes, but where people come to relax and enjoy a meal,' said restaurant manager Fatima Kabani, adding that they were planning to turn the eatery's name into a brand with more branches in Mumbai."

I don't want to waste my time defending the indefensible, but these people are clearly not good Nazis. I'll tell you why. Mumbai is the financial center of India. And as any good Nazi knows (I'm looking at YOU Mel Gibson!), the Jews run all things financial. Do you really think that any good Nazi would waste his time giving the Jews good food at a reasonable price? These people aren't Nazis, they're just morons.

"'We wanted to be different. This is one name that will stay in people's minds,' owner Punit Shablok told Reuters."

You know what else sticks in people's minds? The holocaust. Say what you will about his great accomplishments like the autobahn, that final solution is what Hitler's gonna be remembered for.

Shablok wanted to make sure people knew that "we are not promoting Hitler. But we want to tell people we are different in the way he was different."

Labels: Nazis, Politics, Weird News