Sage Advice From A Reliable Source
1 Comments Published by Chris on Thursday, August 17, 2006 at 11:39 AM.
I went to a movie with my friend Sarah last night. Afterwards we went for coffee near the theater. Sarah has been out of the country for the last 7 months and so it was good to catch up with her. I was reminded why I hang out with her in the first place.
Sarah: I went to this CRAZY religious wedding in Dubuque.
Chris: Those are ALWAYS fun!
Sarah: Yeah, if you like guilt.
Chris: And you know I do!
Sarah: The priest was giving his homily and he turned to the bride and groom and said, "Now after the wedding, after the party, after everyone has gone home and you find yourself alone with one another..."
Chris: What the hell? What does a priest know about being alone with a woman?
Sarah: It gets better. "I want you two to get down on your knees...."
Chris: Priests know all about that!
Sarah: "...and thank the lord for this." I thought, did he just tell them to thank God for sex?
Chris: Oh, one of them will be down on their knees for sure but I doubt if God really enters their mind.
Sarah: No, one of them will be mentioning God quite a bit, but not the other one.
Chris: Well, it's impolite to speak with your mouth full.
Say good night Gracie!
As a comic there is nothing I love more than fixing other people's stories and reality in general. Whenever I hear someone telling a story that sucks I take mental note (sometimes ACTUAL notes are required) and then I will critique the story when the person is done wasting my time. This is one of the reasons I was asked to stop coming to church. As it turns out The Gospels aren't SUPPOSED to be funny. Whatever. Their loss!
Here's a quick example of short (albeit LAME) story that I spiced up with a few minor additions.
Original Story
"My brother-in-law builds and programs computers."
The Fix
"My brother-in-law builds computers FROM THINGS HE HAS AROUND THE HOUSE and programs them TO KILL!"
See? Better!
I was reminded of this tonight at work because Theo, a co-worker of mine, was on crutches.
The Story
"I sprained my ankle coming down the steps last night."
BORING!
The Fix
Theo's father was the last surviving Ninja of the Dagger Fist Clan. The rest of the clan was killed off when one of their members sold them out to a rival clan, The Black Star Clan, and revealed the location of their secret training facility. Theo's father only survived because he was left for dead. He was, of course, not dead but was simply trapped under rubble where he survived for three days on cockroaches and his steely nerves. When he was finally able to get his strength back he escaped to a small village nearby where he married and impregnated a local village girl. His son, Theo, was raised in the ninja ways from the time he was a small child. As Theo grew older he learned to hate the evil Black Star Clan and swore his vengeance on them and all their kinsmen. But there was one thing Theo did not count on: Love.
Theo fell in love with Xia Wu. It was only after he had professed his love for her that he realized that she was the daughter of the head of the Black Star Clan. This did not change the young lovers feelings toward each other and they swore they would be married one day. When news of this new Dagger Fist ninja reached the Black Star Clan they quickly figured out that they did not finish the job they had started so many years ago. So they hunt down Theo's father and kill him in front of the whole village as a warning to anyone who might be swayed to their cause. They also learn from the scared villagers that Theo, now the LAST ninja of the Dagger Hand Clan, has taken up with the daughter of the Black Star Clan's master. The master hatches a plan to kidnap his own daughter to lure Theo out of hiding. They tie her up in an old fireworks factory on the outskirts of town and surround the factory with a hundred ninjas to dispatch with the ninja who comes to save her. Theo arrives and rescues Xia and as they escape, he sprains his ankle coming down the stairs.
BETTER!
