The Intelligence Estimate

Can anyone tell me why the original Planet of the Apes was running on the HISTORY CHANNEL yesterday?

Labels: History, History Channel, Movies, Planet of the Apes

Back in September The Discovery Channel started airing commercials for a contest they were holding. They asked people to make parodies of their programs. The winners would be posted on their web site and be seen on a special airing in December. They would also win $500.

I like the Discovery Channel almost as much as I like $500, so I entered with a spoof of American Chopper. Well I haven't heard anymore about the spoof special and last week they announced that American Chopper was moving to TLC. Long story short: my $500 ain't coming. Since the television viewing public has been robbed of my genius I have decided to air it here, on the info-nets! If it's good enough for the exploding whale it's good enough for me!

So here, for the first time anywhere, is: A Very Special American Chopper!



*Note to Subscribers: I will be sending a link to the video shortly*

Labels: American Chopper, Comedy, Discovery Channel, Hollywood, Movies, TLC, YouTube

As some of you may remember, I am keeping track of all the movies I see in a year. (158 at last count) Well, yesterday my friend Tyler and I did something we've been talking about for over a year: we watched all three Lord of The Rings movies in ONE sitting. Eleven hours of hobbits, heroism and leg cramps.

This isn't the first time done something like this. The night before Tim Burton released his Planet of the Apes remake my friend Mike and I rented all five original Planet of the Apes movies and watched them in one sitting. A feat we were able to accomplish because Mike's wife was out of town and my girlfriend at the time was busy working...at least that's what she said. Whatever. If she didn't want to participate in MONKEY MADNESS (Yes, that's actually what we called it!) that was her loss. Come to think of it we didn't have any women on board for the Hobbitfest either. (YES we called it that! We'd already committed to watching all three Rings movies, I don't think we sink any lower on the food chain by having a snappy title!)

That's not entirely true. Tyler's girlfriend was there for a portion of the Two Towers. She stayed just long enough to point out that the eye of Sauron looked a lot like a vagina and then she left. That totally ruined the end of the movie where Frodo stands on the end of that long phallic rock outcropping and drops the ring into the lava below causing the lava to rise and spray violently out of mount doom and ending the reign of the evil vagina. It's a weird mixture of Ansel Adams and Larry Flynt.

By the way, I think all of the unpleasantness of middle earth could have been avoided if they had just called Mount Doom something a little more inviting like Mount Sweetie or Kitty Cat Mountain or Candy Colored Rainbow of Mountainy Goodness. Problem solved.

Hmmmm...upon closer inspection I think I'm starting to see why women don't go in for these shenanigans.

Labels: Lord of the Rings, Movie Madness, Movies, Naughty, Planet of the Apes, Tyler, Vagina

Apparently I'm not well loved in Canada.

Does anyone remember the carefree days when I posted this video parody of a trilogy of movies that was largely ignored by mainstream film goers?



It is based on the Qaatsi Trilogy of movies by Godfrey Reggio. The movies are loosely labeled as documentaries with incredibly broad topics like War or Technology or Wasting My Time or Phillip Glass Needs A Paycheck. (We've HEARD that chord already...for like 10 minutes? What else you got? Oh, an arpeggio? Shocking! Didn't see that coming!) The movies have no conventional narrative but rely on images shown repeatedly in different speeds to make their point. And what is the point? Well, let me ask my Canadian friend Mr. Jiggjoepanto...if that is his real name...and I PRAY that it is! "The Qatsi films clearly show how North American culture destroys other cultures, and rapes the planet daily. It's well past time to take our heads out of our asses about this."

Clearly he is quite passionate about these films and the "issues " they supposedly raise. However, I was a little late in arriving at his opinion because he started out his letter by announcing that, "There are many humorous homages to Reggio/Glass on YouTube that are well done. Yours is pathetic garbage." How do you argue with that? You cannot refute such a strongly reasoned treatise and it is mere folly to do so. (Clearly those years on the debate team are now paying off huge dividends!) I bow to your superior intellect and simply read on.

"Each of us has the power right now to make positive change, yet you waste your gift making crap like this. Snap out of it."

I guess there is a compliment in there somewhere. He supposes that I have gifts to waste and am not simply a bored Netfilx subscriber with a camera desperately trying to make some artistic use of the 6 wasted hours I spent on the trilogy. That's something I suppose.

I'm not mad at him for his opinion. I agree that America is an overbearing, short-sighted, monolithic man-child of a nation, and that we are continually raping and pillaging at a rate that would do the Vikings proud. I'm not even mad at him for liking the Qaatsi Trilogy. He liked it, I didn't. There is nothing I can do to change that opinion in a movie that runs minute and a half.

No, what burns me about Mr. Pants (or Jiggy Dawg as the people who have been berated by him like to refer to him) is that he lashed out so vitriolically about a movie posted on a FREE site. Even if you hated it, at least it was FREE AND NOT SIX HOURS LONG! He was out nothing but his time...90 seconds. And apparently he was going to use that time for something much more important. So I feel like I owe it to the world to apologize to the world for tying up the valuable time of Jiggyjoe. I'm sorry. I'd hate for it to be found out that we were deprived of a cure for cancer because I had to shoot my mouth off about a pretentious piece of cinematic tripe.

Labels: Canada, Feedback, Film Making, Movies, Qaatsi Trilogy, YouTube