I got a call from a cancer society yesterday asking me to donate money to help families meet their medical expenses.
Actually, let me back up. I didn't receive the call. The people who lived here before me did. People are constantly calling here looking for the Lewis family. This is not a new phenomenon. When Jen and I moved into our apartment in Des Moines we used to get calls for the Baker family. A lot of calls. They lasted for 3 years. Honestly, if you haven't got the Baker's new number after 3 years just take the hint! In a weird way we felt like a part of the Baker family. We were so proud when we heard that little Sarah graduated from Texas A&M. We wanted to call the Bakers and congratulate them but we knew who we'd get if we tried. But I digress....
The cancer society apologized for calling me Mr. Lewis and said they were calling everyone in the state anyway so they'd talk to me too. How considerate. "Our first choice isn't here, but you'll do."
I didn't know if I would donate or not. I'm usually a sucker for this crap. Dangle a dying kid or a displaced veteran in front of my checkbook and money starts disappearing faster than dignity at an open bar.
I have a lot of sympathy for the people working those phones. I work the phones in the box office and I know how hard it is just to deal with the public. For example, I got a call the other day that was particularly challenging. The guy wanted to ask a bunch of questions. No problem, I'm getting paid to answer them. But he wouldn't let me finish an answer before interrupting me to ask another (and often completely unrelated) question. This became more and more frustrating as the call droned on and he started asking me questions he had asked before...and never let me answer fully.
Then came this gem: "How do I get there?" Now, on the surface there is nothing peculiar about this question, but there is a vital piece of information missing.
Where are you coming from?
"Kenosha."
And how are going to be getting here?
"I don't know."
Are you driving?
"We can drive, how do we get there if we drive?"
Well, how will you be getting to the city?
"I don't know, is it easier if we take the train?"
There is an El stop about three blocks from the theater.
"What's that?"
The elevated train system in the city.
"How do we get to that?"
(Isn't this where we came in?) How are you coming into the city?
"The commuter train drops off downtown."
If you're taking the train downtown you'd want to....
"How do you get there from (Interstate Highways) 90/94?"
You'll get off at Addison. Follow the signs for Wrigley Field. You'll go past Wrigley Field...
"How do you spell that?"
Spell what?
"Addison."
A-D-D-I-S-O-N. You take that past Wrigley Field to the corner of Addison and Belmont.
"How do you spell...."
B-E-L-M-O-N-T
Apparently at this point the attempts to choke back my rage were beginning to fail because our wayward Wisconsinite counters with this: "Ok. I'm sorry to make you repeat things and spell stuff but I've had brain surgery and have terminal cancer."
You son of a bitch! That's right, a guy tells me his days on earth are numbered and my first reaction is "quit wasting my time." Did you see what he did there that was pure genius? That cancer thing is gold baby! Now he gets to be a jackass and I can't be mad at him. I'm adding that to the repertoire. "Sorry I'm being an ass, it's a disease."
By the same token, who decides discussing their medical history with a total stranger is a good idea? "Yes, I know I haven't paid my phone bill for three months, but I have here a biopsy report I want to read you about a mole I had removed."
So I decided not to donate to the cancer society. Not strictly because of this jerk from Kenosha...but not NOT because of him either. I can only hope that the Baker's are more generous when they get the call.
Labels: Addison, Anger, Belmont, Cancer, Charity Work, Kenosha, Phone, Theater, Wrigley Field
Celebrities doing (usually court-mandated) charity work is nothing new. For years that was the only work that Robert Downey Jr. could get. So when I heard that Ricky Martin (yes THAT Ricky Martin) had established a charitable foundation I was hardly shocked. No, the shock didn't set in until I found out what kind of revolutionary things his foundation is fighting against. He's given musical instruments to Puerto Rican school children (take THAT peace and quiet!) and built houses for the homeless in Thailand (take THAT highway underpasses!) but the foundation's latest stance is sure to make waves. Ricky has decided to speak out against human trafficking. A bold move that is sure to anger pimps and smugglers everywhere.
And I gotta believe that he's really behind this move because it is kind of counter intuitive for him to oppose human trafficking. Why would he want to keep people from leaving small struggling countries that are devoid of food, hope and spicy Latin rhythms? Why would he want to keep them from arriving in the land of milk, honey and Tower Records? The short answer is, he wouldn't. But apparently his conscience is larger than his wallet will ever be so he has taken the bold stance of opposing slavery. And I am so moved by his humanitarianism and compassion that I am seriously considering not making a joke about him being smuggled into this country in someone's colon. No, no, no. I think I will take the high road and say nothing about him coming in someone's ass.
Labels: Charity Work, Gay, Music, News, Ricky Martin, Robert Downey Jr., Theater, Weird News
The musical Wicked has been playing in Chicago for over a year now and its popularity shows no signs of waning. This is mostly due to the fact that its fan base is 14 year old girls who wouldn't know good theater if Kander and Ebb both bit them on the ass. Working at the Blue Man Group I see a lot of these same 14 year old girls at our theater too. And I know that we get that same demographic because they are all wearing THIS:
What marketing genius decided that barely pubescent girls need to have DEFY GRAVITY written across their chest? Isn't that just bragging? Gravity hasn't had a chance to work it's dark arts on them yet, but it will. Soon they'll need larger and more complicated feats of engineering to maintain the veneer of youth that came so easy in their teens. Gravity is a harsh mistress! Then one day they wake up and realize that no matter how much work they put into it, no matter how they primp and preen and tuck, no matter how they gird themselves against reality, all signs still point south. It's a short trip from that realization to becoming the crazy cat-lady on the edge of town who spends her social security money on lotto tickets and TV dinners. Come back in 30 years and we'll see who's defiant then.
In other boobie news, Janet Jackson has decided that the best way to show off the results of her recent diet is to pose topless for Vibe Magazine. As you may remember the world has already seen her breasts on live television during the Super Bowl half time show. When Vibe asked how she feels about all the attention she gain from that display she had this to say, "It's just over and done with. It's old. It's the past. It's history. I'm onto something new. Everybody got their licks in - those who wanted to - and it's done."
Now, I'm no publicist, but here's a quick list of words and phrases you wanna avoid when referring to your 40 year old breasts:
Over and done with
Old
In the past
History
Everybody got their licks in
I guess since Michael disappeared off the face of the Earth there has been a void of Jackson Family brand weirdness in the press. Thanks for stepping up Janet, but really, Tito could use the work.
