My friend Kelly, who you may remember as our first ever guest blogger, has expanded his journalistic scope a bit...or perhaps it's just a cry for help. No, upon closer inspection it's just a cry for attention. Well, knowing his fragile mental state, I'm happy to oblige. And now, though no one asked for it, I am happy to bring to you another episode in what looks to be a regular feature: Kelly's Corner.
"I don’t know what the weather conditions are like where you all are, but it’s at critical mass here. I thought it was bad enough that I was without cable TV for three hours, but things have gotten worser; we lost our NPR radio signal. Oh, the humanity.
It’s been touch and go these last few hours. Local politicians have requested the governor call up the National Guard, but so far, no go. The governor replied that due to budget restraints the best he can do is to put a call into the Harlem Globetrotters; he said they owe him one ever since they dumped a bucket of confetti on his mistress. But that may not help. The social fabric is starting to unravel at an exponential rate. Well, ok. I’m not good at math, so maybe it’s not actually doubling in on itself, maybe more like, half. Three quarters in the fraternity district of the UNI. And, it has gotten so bad that church leaders are asking looters to steer away from the rich; as an incentive they are offering an emergency 24 hour absolution pass to those who pledge to target only used car salesmen or Unitarians.
It’s gotten to the point that TV news reporters have stopped using the cliché “Pandemonium in the streets” and have upgraded to “Jim, it’s total Chaos out here. Back to you.” The station manager of channel 7 news has threatened that if things don’t improve he is authorizing roving reporters to include the words Bedlam, Hullabaloo, and Cubs Win! Cubs Win! In their newscast.
Crazy times, indeed."
Labels: Guest Writer, Kelly, Weather
My friend Kelly likes to rant. I know that sounds odd coming from me given the average content of my blog. But my rants go online for the world to ignore. Kelley's are e-mailed out to a handful of friends to ignore. I consider mine publishing, while his are just desperate cries for attention. (Not that mine AREN'T desperate cries for attention...but geez, I gotta make a distinction if for no other reason than my own ego demands it.)
Anyway, Kelly's rants are the usual garden variety annoyances: how come no one writes any good music anymore? (an ongoing diatribe), punk kids stole my clothes from the laundromat (that lasted a few weeks and produced a manifesto), will this rash EVER go away? (The consensus seems to be "No, it won't.") But every so often one of his rants slips through the cracks, transcends his petty grievances and is REALLY funny. Such was the case when I got to my inbox today. Here is his latest e-mail:
'I’m not a lawyer, but wouldn’t the clear-cut definition of a “flight risk” be:
A diaper wearing, BB gun tote’n, love-scorned astro-nut?
“Your honor, if it pleases the court, the state is asking the defendant be remanded, we feel she is a good candidate to skip bail and leave the planet.”
If we can’t extradite a murder suspect from France, how are we supposed to get her back if she goes into orbit?
Plus, if she is in jail, you’ll have to keep an eye on her at all times: she can make a shiv out of duct tape.
Please note I did not cheapen this with the “depends” pun. I’ll leave that to Leno. '
Thank you, Kelly's here all week. Try the veal. Don't forget to tip the wait staff! GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY!
Labels: Astronaut, Guest Writer, Kelly
