The Intelligence Estimate

"That reminds me of the time my cousin got bit by my pirhana."

Not words you hear at YOUR work place? That's because you don't work with Mr. James Smith! What made this story even better was that it came on the heels of my friend Ryan telling a story about cutting his hand peeling potatoes and my story about cutting my finger while making a cross section of a potato for a botany class. So you can see how pirhanas spring immediately to mind.

The long and the short of the story are pretty simple. When James was a kid his cousin asked if the fish would bite him. James thought that was a stupid question so he answered with a sarcastic, "No, they won't bite you." The rest is fish food.

Now, that story in and of itself is amusing, but it also follows a pattern for James life.

About three years ago he was in a drive through wildlife park in Sandusky, Ohio with his cousins. At the park they give you buckets of carrots to feed to the animals. (Although I like to think of James just carrying buckets of food with him wherever he goes. A bucket of carrots, 5 gallons of mashed potatoes, a 55 gallon drum of ribs, a palette of hot sauce...and if you've ever seen him eat it doesn't sound that far fetched.)

Now there was a brilliant wildebeest who was stalking the car the whole time. The wildebeest, we'll call him Louis, had his one carrot but he could not be sated. Louis kept after the car. "More carrots, " he pleaded. This made James angry and he refused to feed the "Greedy mofo." (I attempted to explain to him that the wildebeest was not greedy, just smart...and an animal, but James persisted in believing that it was a personal attack.) So Louis stalked the car like a ninja and when the moment was right he stole the entire bucket of carrots. James needed to be physically restrained from chasing Louis. No one, including James, is quite sure what he was going to do with Louis if he caught him but you can rest assured that nature would be taught a lesson.

Just like that damned dolphin who had the audacity to splash him when James was 11. After the show James went up to the pool and slapped the top of the water to call the dolphin over to him just like the trainers do when they feed the dolphins. So the dolphin is expecting to be fed. He surfaces by James unaware of the animal rage coursing through the man tapping the water. James punched the dolphin.

Labels: Animals, Blue Man Group, James Smith, Work