The Intelligence Estimate

The Julian Dubuque bridge across the Mississippi River

When I first moved to Chicago people would always try to introduce me to people from Iowa. I tried to tell them that I didn't move to Chicago just so I could meet people from Iowa. I could do that while I was still in Iowa I told them. They didn't care. They thought they were doing me a favor.

The other reaction people have when I tell them I'm from Iowa is to tell me about the places they've been to in Iowa. The common thread I noticed in those stories is that it was always places like Burlington or Clinton or Davenport, cities on the EDGE of Iowa. No one ever ventures INTO Iowa. Or, if they do, it is simply on their way to someplace better. For instance, Casey, one of the sound technicians at work, talks about the time he spent in Des Moines. But that was only because he was traveling from Kansas City to Chicago. Joe, one of the coat check people, talked to me about the I-80 Truck Stop in Iowa but only because he was traveling I-80 to California.

I think Iowa is to blame for this. I've noticed many times when traveling through Iowa that they've placed the welcome centers about 100 miles from the border. This strikes me as a typically Iowa thing to do. Place the welcome centers 100 miles from where they would do any good because we want to make sure that you're not just passing through. We'd hate to waste a welcome on someone who was just in town to fish the Mississippi, or, worse yet, just passing through on their way to the Mall of America.

With all of that in mind I make the modest proposal that (we eat Jonathan Swift's children...but I digress) Iowa not only moves the welcome centers closer to the border, but also fills them with lies. Lies about free parking and tax incentives and the benefits of ethanol. Lies about the hard candy that grows wild in Ames. Lies that will get people to come to Waterloo and Cedar Rapids and Des Moines. It's not a proud way to drum up tourism, but frankly Field of Dreams is NOT the draw it used to be, John Wayne is dead and Herbert Hoover is probably best forgotten. Honestly, his stewardship of the American economy lead to slums called Hoovervilles. Who needs that on their conscience? Not Iowa. Who needs that when you've got cotton candy forests and streams of lemonade?