The Intelligence Estimate

Due to the dismissal of an employee I have spent 22 of the last 48 hours at work covering shifts. Here is a list of bitches and complaints that I've amassed in that time.

I Didn't See Your Name On It!
There is exactly ONE stool in the lobby. It is tucked away in a corner by the end of the bar. It is strategically located so that I can sit there and keep an eye on the most often fondled, manhandled and misused portions of the lobby. Several time over the last two days I have turned my back only to find that when I turn back around someone is on my stool. Usually a middle aged woman who is at least 50 pounds past her ideal weight and about 50 Twinkies past giving a damn. The arrogance of this galls me to no end. In a theatre that holds over 600 people what makes you think the ONE chair in the lobby is for YOU? And there is exactly NO way to extract a bar stool from a sea cow's ass. You just have to wait it out.

Is It A Disease Where You Have To Touch EVERYTHING?
When little kids are in the lobby you have to politely remind them that they can't put their grubby little mitts on everything. However, when adults are in the lobby, oddly enough, you have to do the exact same thing. I watched a guy fondle a piece of Plexiglas for about 3 minutes. The most annoying part was watching him stare longingly at his hand as it was touching the words "PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH."

Stupid Quotes

*in a snotty, condescending tone* "I hope you recycle."

*in a helpful customer focused manner* "The paper used in the show is recycled paper and we recycle it again when we're done."

*still pissy* "Well...uh...ok. Good."

(If you cared about the environment half as much as you cared about being condescending the world would be overrun by spotted owls.)

*****

*a Blue Man decorates a 10 year old girl with blue paint from his head and mom exclaims* "You got BLUE'D!"

(I'm guessing in seven or eight years mom won't be so excited to find out her daughter got...uh...BLUE'D by a total stranger.)

*****
*man exits the bathroom where a child has just puked* "Uh..I just got out of the bathroom and there is...I mean, it's everywhere..."

"Sir, we've got someone on it right now."

*condescending* "Well, it's still there!"

(You mean in the 5 seconds between you registering your complaint with me and me answering you no one has cleaned it up? Well, rest assured heads will roll over this sir! I mean, if the cleaning crew can't travel faster than the speed of your whining then what's the use of having them around in the first place?)

*****








There are a lot of hoses and tubes in the lobby. It is an aesthetic choice to make it look like the place is constantly under construction and bursting at the seams. Some of the tubes are what we call "breathing tubes." The "breathing tubes" raise and lower by a vacuum system. Somehow the most repressed, homophobic men all find their way over to these tubes and begin commenting on the phallic nature of them. And when the tubes begin to retract into the ceiling they giggle like school kids and shriek, "SHRINKAGE!"

It wasn't funny at the 4p.m. show, it wasn't funny at the 7p.m. show...but the variation of it that took place at the 10p.m. show was actually kind of funny. It consisted of 5 or 6 woman (all over the age of 60) gathered together under one particularly large tube just pointing and snickering. And I couldn't swear to this, but I think I heard one of them say, "Remember when we used to see that at home?"

Lost and Found
After one show I found a little black, quilted case on the floor.

"Someone has lost a pencil case," I thought.

I picked it up and opened it only to find that they were not pencils at all. It was a tampon. I took it to the lost and found knowing full well that it was never going to be claimed. Someone suggested making an announcement when we announce late arrivals during the show. To which I countered, "If these people are late then they don't have to worry about tampons anymore."

The Surgeon General Says You're a Moron
A guy lit up in the lobby. In case you haven't been following the news about smoking bans in Chicago (and I can't blame you if you haven't, it's at least as much fun as trimming your nose hairs with a pair of pliers) the city has outlawed smoking in every public place...except this guys mind. In that large expanse of dark nothingness there is smoke all the time. It comes mostly from the gears in his head grinding feverishly to try to make sense out of etiquette and common courtesy. Yeah, there's no smoking in any public place in Chicago...except our lobby near 1 million dollars worth of paintings and flammable liquids. Please, feel free to smoke yourself silly kemosabe! You need a stool to go with that?