The Intelligence Estimate

The other day at work I was in the lobby with Dan from the house staff. The crowd was just starting to trickle in for the 8 p.m. show. And that's when we saw it. It was with two woman and it was purchasing student rush tickets. He looked at me and I looked at him. But before either of us said a word I knew we were thinking the same thing: What was that?

"Is that man or a woman?" Dan asked.

"I have no idea."

We asked several other house staff people and no one could come up with a conclusive answer that didn't fade into the breeze a few seconds later. The person was about 5 foot 4 and ensconced in a hooded sweatshirt and baggy jeans. His (or her) face was very swollen and indistinct. The hair was the kicker. A towering mass of unruly brown perm. Everything about this person was totally asexual. No context clues at all. The walk was really forgettable. The clothes could go either way. The voice was in that infuriating middle range between melodious and husky. We had NOTHING to go on. And, being a slow night, we had nothing else to occupy our minds.

Then Megan offered her advice.

"Smell her."

To my surprise Dan thought that was a good idea. What the hell were they thinking? I'm not walking up to a stranger and smelling them. I had to speak out against it.

"I am not participating in this conversation and I am not sniffing ANYONE!"

How would that even work? "Excuse me...uh..." SNIFF!

But they persisted. No, they argued, if they're wearing cologne or perfume you'll be able to tell. And if they're not? Well, they countered, they would still use different soap or conditioner if they were a man than if they were a woman. Yes, but, what if they are just a total slob and don't bathe at all? I'm not putting my nose through that.

***
Yesterday I was at work talking to another House Staff member, Minna. I was regaling her with a story about my dreadfully interesting lobby duties when I noticed she was inching nearer and nearer to me. Before I knew it she had her nose two inches from my chest and she was, you guessed it, sniffing me.

"Ok, I know the story was not a real thriller, but that's an extreme way of telling me isn't it?"

"Do you smell that?" Minna said.

I had to admit I did. There was this oddly enchanting mixture of citrus and rose petals in the air.

"I thought it was you," she said.

I told her that it was sweet that she thought I smelled nice, but more than a little creepy that she stopped a conversation to sniff me.

"Well, go find out who it is."

For some reason I was ok with this. In retrospect I suppose it was because I already knew that the person I was looking for smelled nice. But then again, wouldn't I have to smell a lot of wrong answers before I found the right one? It didn't matter, I'd already made up my mind to find the person.

***
The sexless wonder didn't return for a long time. And when he/she did, we were all over it. I noticed him/her going for the doors to get his/her ticket scanned (not to the bathroom like we'd hoped) and I followed. Apparently my inhibition vanished once the excitement of the moment arrived and I leapt into action. It turns out he/she was going to Dan's door, which was a big bonus for Dan because he got to be close to the person without going through all the extra trouble of shooting through a crowded lobby to position himself where he could smell someone. In other words he didn't have to go through all the trouble I was going through. But all was in vain. The only thing I learned was the the person smoked.
***

I narrowed it down to one of three women who were all standing together in a corner. Minna went in for the kill. I believe her opening line was, "Excuse me...uh...someone here smells amazing. What kind of perfume are you ladies wearing." Which sounded a lot less creepy coming from her than it did when I just typed it.

She got the information that she wanted, but she did admit that when she posed her question to the ladies they all did recoil in fear. Hmmm, I wonder why?
***

So the moral of this story is that when you see a group of employees standing around in heated conversation the question that runs through your head should not be, "Is the building on fire?" It should be, "Did I shower today?"