The Intelligence Estimate

Area Rug 51: Episode 3, Revenge of the Shit

It is a dark time for the rebellion. The galactic empire has repeatedly screwed up the rebellion's order for a nice area rug to match their couch and chair set.

Tuesday, August 29- I go down to Wickes Furniture and talk to a woman (whose name I didn't get) who tells me that we've ordered two rugs. Then she proceeds to ask the obvious: "Hmmmmm, why did you do that?"

I explained the confusion as best I could, but I was fuzzy on the details myself.

"So which one is here today?"

I wish I knew. That's why I'm here today. See, you people don't seem to know which way is up so I am here to check on our rug to make sure that is, in fact, our rug. Although I have been all but assured by your co-worker Davis, that it is not. It really doesn't matter, I'll be mad either way. Either I made a trip down here for nothing, or you guys don't know what you're talking about. There are no winners here.

She goes back and talks to Lucy who is apparently the only chimp trained to process and read order forms on the computer. They are locked in the most intense intense head scratching ever seen this side of a lice check. Their confusion is palpable, so I ask if I can just see the rug.

"No, it's still on the truck. The truck doesn't get unloaded until after we close at 9 tonight."

If you remember, I was told by them to come down on Tuesday, today. Specifically Tuesday after one o'clock. It is currently after 3 p.m. on Tuesday and at the risk of being condescending 3 p.m. is, by definition, after 1 p.m. And now I'm being told that the truck won't even be unloaded until after business hours today. So I was told to come down here BECAUSE...?

Which rug is it?

"I don't know. We're trying to match the order numbers."

How come no one could just check the set that's in the store and see if that is what's been ordered?

(*HUSH* IN THE DISTANCE CRICKETS CHIRP* A TUMBLEWEED BLOWS THROUGH*)

"This isn't the right number. This isn't his set. Hmmmmmm...Let me go check in back."

Did you catch that? Let me go check in back? The not-so-subtle subtext of that statement is that there was a rug in the back room THIS WHOLE TIME. I follow her to the CLEARANCE ROOM where our couch and the exact rug we were looking for is sitting there waiting to be sold, but apparently not to me. She looks at the rug and proclaims that the rug currently on the truck in the parking lot is the wrong rug but that mine will be here next Wednesday.

I was furious. For those of you scoring at home that is three phone calls and one trip to the store just to make sure that they had screwed up. They are so committed to mediocrity and sloth that they couldn't even check their mistakes themselves to make sure that they were actually mistakes. As you can imagine, actually getting them to do something about the mistakes was going to be a Sisyphean task of the highest order.

Jen comes home and I explain to her what's happened. She's furious.

"Why didn't they give you the rug that they had?"

I wanted to ask them, but I wasn't sure I could do it without including the phrase "cluster fuck."

It was decided that we need to make yet another trip into the belly of the beast.

"Back to the store," Jen cries. "And make sure that they know that they may take your carpet, but they cannot take your freedom!"

Will Chris and Jen find satisfaction? (Doubtful.) Will they finally get the rug they desire? (Remains to be seen.) Will Chris be able to write about anything else if they do? (Hasn't written about much up to now, don't see any reason why a rug should change that!) All the (much more thought out) answers lie ahead. Be sure to tune in to Episode 4, The Return to Witch Mountain.

Labels: Anger, Lost Post, Rug, Saga, Wickes Furniture