The Intelligence Estimate

I woke up to David Sedaris on NPR this morning. He was reading an excerpt from "The Santaland Diaries." It was very funny, but that didn't change the fact that it was 6 a.m. on a day when I didn't have to be to work until 6 p.m. So David was shut off shortly after he was done. Jen got up and I rolled over and burrowed into the covers.

As I drift off to sleep I dreamed of a gathering of old men who were talking about long-haul trucking. They all regaled one another with stories of oddities they'd encountered along the highways. They all hushed as the elder of the group started spinning a yarn about a device that a friend of his had concocted. It was a funnel attached to a length of hose that ran out of the truck's cab. This little beauty, properly utilized, rendered bathroom breaks unnecessary.

That's when I piped up about a device that first came to my attention through a David Sedaris essay. The device is called The Trucker's Buddy. It is a length of tubing attached to an empty bag on one end. The other end widened out into a deep cylindrical funnel that attached to the trucker's penis with surgical tape. The whole thing was worn under the pants and the collection bag attached to the trucker's leg.

Well, this just horrified the collection of elderly truckers. Apparently collecting urine in a sanitary bag and disposing of it later was a more disturbing prospect than driving a 20 ton missile down the road with their penis flapping in the breeze while leaving a very disgusting trail behind them. I was very unsettled by their condescension and ridicule. I argued, but they remained irritated at the thought of The Trucker's Buddy. "That's no buddy of mine," one shouted.

I woke up a short time later and was pleased to find out that it was just a dream. I was back in a world where truckers will pee anywhere and everywhere.