The Intelligence Estimate

I know I've bitched about WikiHow before. For those of you who haven't heard my previous rantings, the rest of us will wait here while you catch up. Really, go ahead. Seriously. We'll all just wait right here...we have nothing better to do. No, really, we'll all just hum quietly to ourselves whilst pondering flat tax proposals and candy-covered rainbow.

Da-de-da-de-da...exchanging glances...da-de-da-de-da...don't know where me pants is....

Ok, everybody back? For our late comers, here's a synopsis: WikiHow don't WikiKnow a WikiThing.

Today's entry from WikiHow explains how to PLAY JAZZ PIANO. Look out Berklee School of Music there's a new sherriff in town and his name is WikiHow! That's right forget lessons. Forget Chopsticks and keeping your fingers in the proper position. Forget Aunt Rhodie and The Old Grey Mare! Now we can learn to jam like the masters in no time at all thanks to WikiHow! Thank you WikiHow for freeing me from the tyranny of talent and the confines of craft. Lets just see how to play jazz piano, shall we?

Hmmm...ok. Uh...it appears that most of the steps in playing jazz piano involve such minor trivialities as learn how to play the piano and learn scales. Once you master those little tricks, VOILA! You're playing jazz piano! When you put it like that it seems so obvious. It's so simple I don't know why I haven't put Harry Connick, Jr. out of work yet. (Although The Pajama Game may do that for me)

Something tells me that it might be a scosh harder to become Herbie Hancock than WikiHow would lead you to believe. But apparently you need no practical knowledge of a topic to write a WikiHow article. They will not let a little thing like an IQ get in their way. And you know what? Neither will I.

How To Discover New Elements of The Periodic Table

1) Get a government grant. This is very important because you'll need to set up a lab. This is not as much fun as the Muppets would lead you to believe. You will need to get desks and pencils and those NEVER GIVE UP motivational posters. Then you'll probably need to write a mission statement or something too. (*hint, you can never go wrong with words like: actualize, synergy and energize!)

2)Get a cyclotron.

3) Hire a bunch of scientists. And be sure to spring for the really good ones. Don't be afraid to hire people who are smarter than you. Remember, you're the one with the grant money and as long as you're signing the checks you ARE the smartest guy in the room!

4) Do some sciencey-type stuff.

5) Get a celebrity attached to the project, that way everyone is sure to know about your element. And make sure that the element (when you get around to discovering one) has a snappy name. Something like: Superoneum, the Wonder Element; or The-Greatest-Discovery-of-The-Modern-Age-eum. That way people are SURE to take notice.

6) Discover an element.

7) Sit back and watch the checks roll in!

And here's the vaudeville version of a WikiHow article.

How To Get To Carnegie Hall

1) Practice