The Intelligence Estimate

The other night Jen and I came home around 11:30 p.m. Jen had to be up at 6 the next morning and needed to go right to bed. This became rather difficult to accomplish when a neighbor decided we needed to hear the Guns N' Roses album Appetite for Destruction over and over again at about a billion decibels. (I'm rounding to the nearest billion, but I think I'm pretty close here.) And, unfortunately, he wasn't alone. You could smell the alcohol in the hall and see the hoof marks in the carpet of all the ignorant rabble who had heeded the keg's siren song. So, being the strapping hunk of masculinity that I am, I handled it the only way I could.

"Jen? Call the cops."

That's right, a man's work is never done...being delegated! The police informed us (and by "us" I mean Jen) that they had received calls about this apartment before and that they were on their way. It was little consolation that this guy was a repeat offender, but at least the cops were on their way. In the meantime the music got louder and the neighbors across the alley started yelling all of the pithy things I wish I could. I imagine it's a lot easier to be caustic and withering when you're safely out of drunken-beating range. I guess I could have had Jen call some of my witticisms downstairs, but we decided to just sit in silence and listen to the Jerry-Springer-Show-in-the-making that was festering below.

When the cops did show up the guy was apologetic. To the cops. To the two men with guns he couldn't have been nicer. But then something weird happened. I know this because Jen and I stood on the landing above them and listened. The guy started telling the cops that he didn't turn down the music because the people who were complaining "didn't even speak English." I assume this meant the people who lived across the alley, but I don't know. Anyhow, this guy didn't seem to be one to let a little thing like logic or sense get in the way of his arguments. "If they're gonna be here they need to speak English. Hey, do you guys know Detective So and So? Or sergeant Whatshisname? They're good guys. Oh, I know you can't accept handshakes. You know, they just need to speak English. I'm a right-wing conservative."

Now, besides the obvious problems I have with this guy, I have to know this: when did G N' R become the soundtrack to the Republican Revolution? Lemme give you a sampling of their lyrics.

Exhibit a)
"I Used to Love Her", from the album Lies.
"I used to love her/but I had to kill her/I had to put her/six feet under/and I can still hear her complain."

Exhibit b)
"Mr. Brownstone", from the album Appetite for Destruction
"I stuck it in the needle/and I shot it in the needle/and it drove me out of my mind/I wish I could forget her/said I wish I never met her/I'd leave it all behind."

Exhibit c)
"Get in the Ring" from Use You Illusion II
"You want to antagonize me?/Antagonize me motherfucker/get in the ring motherfucker/ and I'll kick your bitchy little ass/ PUNK!"

Exhibit c 2.0)
"I don't like you/I just hate you/I'm gonna kick your ass!"

Now THAT'S the party of Lincoln and Reagan! It may be a little hard to understand at first, but I assure you that underneath that flashy hair-band exterior beats the heart of a true tax-cutting, god-fearing, wire-tapping Patriot! Let me show you.

Republican Rebuttal

I Used to Love Her: Family values. Traditional domestic roles. How can this country move forward if weak willed temperamental creatures are constantly thinking that they can do grown men's work? No, no, no! Women need to know that their place is at home by the stove. And only the party that champions the legalization of every weapon from a slingshot to nukes in space would have the firepower to "correct" the woman when she gets all uppity and starts talking that nonsense about wearing pants and voting and the like.

Mr Brownstone: War on drugs. The Republican position on drug addiction has become a lot more nuanced since Rush Limbaugh got bagged for shooting up painkillers he got from his maid. This party anthem clearly celebrates the common man pulling himself up by his (imported Italian leather) bootstraps and kicking the habit all by himself...without any help whatsoever from a government subsidized clinic...as any common man can do. Of course the Republican definition of "common man" is someone who only owns three Senators and has an ABOVE GROUND pool.

Get in the Ring: This characterizes the myriad attacks on traditional values. Whether it's godless corporations who want to take Christ out of Christmas or nancyboys who want to sit idly by and let foreign countries have a free hand to make decisions about their national soverngity and domestic policies without a thought given as to how those decisions will effect US corporations. (That's the GOD-fearing corporations of course. No one cares a whit what happens to the godless corporations!) Republicans cannot abide people thinking for themselves. The box is there for a reason. If you're not going to think inside of it, why did you go and buy you a box in the first place?!

"I don't like you, I just hate you, I'm gonna kick your ass" Republican foreign policy better known as the Bush Doctrine of Preventative War.

So you see how Guns N' Roses is rallying around the flag? I hope this has been helpful. Rest assured I will take this talk somewhere it will do some good. In the meantime remember, God is just a theory too!