The Intelligence Estimate

Any idiot who is for deregulation has clearly never had to order a cable TV/internet/telephone package for a new apartment.

I was placed in charge of ordering the aforementioned packed of services from a local cable megaopoly a week ago. (For time and space reasons this will be referred to as mistake number one.) They informed me that it would be a month until they would be able to install said package, thus we would be without internet access, cable and phone service for a month. They'd TRY to put a rush on the order, but that would only mean we'd move up our install date by a week or two. Now, for the sake of argument it should be noted that our cell phone reception in the new apartment is horrid. We'd have a better chance of smoke signals relaying accurate information.

In the meantime my intelligent and charming wife, who makes part of her income online (don't ask!), suggested just switching over our current phone service to our new apartment and adding on the additional features. She made those arrangements and they are coming to install the whole shooting match on Friday. Problem solved, right? You have no idea.

I now had to call the corporate giant and tell them that I wasn't going to wait a month for service. I make the call and have to sit through a seemingly endless barrage of voice menus, all of which inform me that the company is experiencing "higher than normal call volume" and delays are expected. This is corporate code for, "Go away kid, you bother me." To add insult to injury the menu then suggests that I go check our the Frequently Asked Questions on their web site. Hmmmmmmm...let me just go over to my computer and, oh, right, no internet. Who can I call about that? Oh, right, the people on the other end of the phone who want me to go to the web.

Once I get an operator I explain my situation and she says, "Oh, you need to talk to someone in sales. I'll transfer you." I was taken aback by her helpfulness. Clearly she hadn't been with the company long. But even this little ray of sunshine found a way to rain on my parade. She transferred me to the wrong department.

"Just a second, I'll transfer you to sale," the new operator said.

Forgive me if I don't believe you, I thought.

While holding for the sales department a voice would come on to remind me to, "Please wait." It wasn't a reminder so much as a command. PLEASE WAIT! In fact the only thing it reminded me of was the fact that they were wasting my time. "You know that NOTHING that you're doing right now? Yeah, keep it up...indefinitely!"

Then, in the middle of my holding I got cut off. My cell phone dropped the call. I was not so blinded by fury as to miss the irony it's just that I didn't give a good God damn by that point.

So I called again. More menus. More questions. Finally I get an operator and tell him my situation and he tries to sympathize. "Well, if we could get you service by the 14th would you still want to cancel?" I informed him (through gritted teeth) that I would still like to cancel.

So now that I will have the infoweb at home I can start making more regular blog entries. Also, I apologize for any mistakes or grammatical errors in this entry. I had to pound it into a stone tablet and send it off to a friend to transcribe and upload it. I'm not sure how that all works, but I think it involves the Amish.