The Intelligence Estimate

Back in September The Discovery Channel started airing commercials for a contest they were holding. They asked people to make parodies of their programs. The winners would be posted on their web site and be seen on a special airing in December. They would also win $500.

I like the Discovery Channel almost as much as I like $500, so I entered with a spoof of American Chopper. Well I haven't heard anymore about the spoof special and last week they announced that American Chopper was moving to TLC. Long story short: my $500 ain't coming. Since the television viewing public has been robbed of my genius I have decided to air it here, on the info-nets! If it's good enough for the exploding whale it's good enough for me!

So here, for the first time anywhere, is: A Very Special American Chopper!



*Note to Subscribers: I will be sending a link to the video shortly*

Labels: American Chopper, Comedy, Discovery Channel, Hollywood, Movies, TLC, YouTube

This is an actual story that was on Fox News this morning. There has been no doctoring of these photos. These are screen captures from my computer taken at around 6:30 this morning. I took the screen captures because I don't know how long the story will stay up in its current form. What story?

'Law & Order: SUV' May Be Over Soon

You all remember the hit TV series Law & Order, right? Well it was so popular that it spawned a spin off that I always thought was called Law & Order: SVU, or Special Victims Unit. But now, only after it's too late, do I learn that it was really named for the ubiquitous Sport Utility Vehicles that figured so heavily in numerous plot lines.

Who can forget the riveting story of a Manhattan brother and sister who conspired to pull the spark plug on their Hummer for the insurance money? Or the Escalade that was found dead by the side of the road and it turned out that his wife had been sleeping with a Rav4 with ties to the mafia? Or the story of the sniper who wait by the interstate picking off poor defenseless Lincoln Navigators? Timeless.

Rest in peace Law & Order: SUV. We hardly knew you.

EDIT: It is now 7:21 and the story's headline has been corrected, but the headline on my Google homepage is still wrong.

Labels: Fox News, Hollywood, Television, Weird News

From Fox News, who is trying to appeal to the NASCAR demographic just a bit too much it seems, come this sensationalistic, knock-the-beer-out-of-your-over-sized-novelty-hat story entitled: Man Runs Over, Eats Seven Legged Transgendered Deer.

Apparently the Wisconsin deer not only had extra (and under developed, crab-like pincer legs) but it also had both male and female parts.

'"It was definitely a freak of nature," (Rick) Lisko said. "I guess it's a real rarity."

What you have to appreciate is Rick's subtlety. In one breath he's screaming about a freak of nature and calling the mob villagers to their pitch forks and torches, and in the next breath he becomes wistful for the halcyon days when freaks of nature ran free and unfettered through the trailer park noshing on discarded Playboys and crapping bottle tops. Ahhhh, Freak of nature we hardly knew ya!

But just how did the deer die?

"He (Lisko) said he slowed down as the buck and two does ran across the driveway Nov. 22, but the buck ran under the truck and got hit."

He ran under the truck? A deer ran UNDER the truck? Was he also a miniature, hobbit-sized deer or is somebody desperately trying to wriggle out of another DUI arrest? I assume that Fox is betting the people reading this story are too stupid to pose that question. Not just because the average Fox News reader also believes that the US is losing in Iraq because there are gays in the military. No, I say that because of the link that they inserted into the next sentence.

"'Bilgo (The DNR Representative) took photos and sent information on the animal to DNR wildlife managers.'"

I, as someone who has spent the better part of the last 12 years glued to the Internet, assumed that the link would take you to photos that the DNR had posted of this unique specimen. I thought it was a little weird that FOX hadn't included them in the original story, but I assumed there was some kind of copyright problem. But when I clicked on the link it took me to an ask.com page listing various photo hosting/printing services. Here's a little tip for Fox News, if the target audience of your writing needs to have digital photography and Internet hosting explained to them then you probably don't need to go ahead and post the story on your web site.

Labels: Fox News, News, Transgendered Seven Legged Deer, Weird News

Ok, I know my postings have been VERY infrequent as of late and I feel like I owe my regular readers (both of you!) an explanation.

Before we begin, does everyone remember this video:



Well, I was so smitten with it I decided to do a little research into it. The more I looked into this story the funnier it became to me. I was retelling the story to everyone I knew and they were all just as baffled and amused by it as I was. So in the past few weeks, I have been hard at work doing research about the exploding whale and related mysteries. (Yes mom, THIS is what I'm doing with my college degree!) I've read a couple of great books (this one and this one) and hit the jackpot for exploding whale information at the aptly named Exploding Whale website. I have also lined up several interviews with key players in the story.

Why am I doing this you ask? (Again, I'm looking at YOU mom!) Because I believe that this would be the PERFECT one man show! And why am I telling you that? Probably out of spite. (That was just for mom too...hmmmm. Maybe that spite sentence should have been parenthetical too? Or at least said in the confines of my therapists office. The world may never know.) No. The reason I am telling you this is so that I will actually follow through on it.

See, for those of you who don't know me well...congratulations. I'm sure your lives are richer for it. But then you do not know of my storied procrastination. I feel that the best time to do anything is tomorrow, or possibly the day after if it can be put off even longer. I hate deadlines. When I worked at the Boone News Republican (All the news and STOCK CAR RACE WINNERS TOO!) I would purposely put off writing the magistrate listing until the morning they were due just to make the editor nuts. It's pathological. In fact the only reason this blog post is so long is because I'm actively trying to get out of doing laundry.

Anyway, I only tell you this so that I have got something in writing that I can be held accountable to. Don't let me down people! Let the nagging begin!

Labels: Explosions, One Man Show, Whales, Writing, YouTube

You know what makes life livable? This guy.

Labels: Homestarrunner, Internet, Strongbad

Tuesday was our second wedding anniversary and I couldn't be more proud. Because now we have lasted longer than BOTH of Britany Spears' marriages COMBINED!

I did a little research on the traditional gift for the 2nd anniversary and it turns out to be cotton. So I bought Jen a plantation.

Labels: Anniversary, Britney Spears, Jen, Marriage

Does anyone out there watch The Girls Next Door? For the uninitiated this is a "reality" show that follows Hugh Hefner's three girlfriends around the Playboy Mansion as they have naked pillow fights and swim laps in soft-focus, slow motion. It makes Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader: Making the Team looking like The Waltons. It's basically porn for people who don't want to pay for the cable upgrade.

Here's a sample of the snappy dialogue you'll find on The Girls Next Door. This is from an episode that takes place during preparations for Hugh's 80th birthday party. This is a quote from one of Hef's THREE girlfriends (Holly Madison) speaking about the movie Casablanca: "I like the movie, but I don't like the love story. I mean, come on. The girl is in love with TWO people? That's not very believable. You either love someone or you don't."

Yeah "greatest love story of all time", get you act together! A Playboy centerfold is holding court on what love means! (My guess is that it means making oatmeal, ordering Viagra by the truckload and screwing your way into the old man's will.)

In her defense, I think her confusion centers around the fact that there are only TWO people that Ilsa loves. If they could have had a foursome with Claude Rains then the whole thing would have made sense.

Actual conversation with a woman on the phone who was trying to buy tickets:

ME- We have row H seats 7 and 8.

HER- Ok, well I'm on your website right now and I...do you have...uh...where can I find...the thing that...shows the ...thing?

ME- (stunned silence over her complete mastery of the English language*) You mean a map?

HER- YEAH, that's it!

*I know what you're thinking, but you're wrong English WAS her first language!

Labels: Anger, Blue Man Group, Lakeview Neighborhood, Phone, Work

All is not right in the land of the House that Mouse built. The top three headlines from the Orlando Sentinel:
SeaWorld to Investigate Whale Attack
Teen is Killed When SUV Strikes Bicycle
Girl Killed After ATV Collides With Cow

The ATV story is especially perplexing because the police intend to not only investigate the crash but to actually reenact it as well. That is going to confuse the hell out of that cow.

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Scientists Identify Part of Hummingbirds Tiny Bird Brain That Helps it Hover, Science Daily.

Tiny bird brain? Was that really necessary? That's just petty. You know what that says to me about the author of that story? Jealous, jealous, jealous! I'm sure he's at some geek bar somewhere drowning his sorrows and screaming to people who are in line for the bathroom, "Yeah? Well if that hummingbird's so damned smart then let's see him write a story for the Science Daily!"

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Harry Shearer has a new book out right now and he is flogging it in every possible venue. And I mean EVERY venue. At least that's what I took away from his interview with Psychology Today.

Harry Shearer Not Just Entertainment

That was the title that appeared on my homepage RSS reader, Not Just Entertainment. But after reading the article it a more appropriate title would have been Not Even Entertainment.

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And from the "News Frat Boys Can Use" file ABC News brings us: Condoms Can Be Fun, Too.

A study in the UK journal The Lancet has found that promotion of the fun and sexual aspects of condom usage is more effective in getting people to use condoms. More effective than the previous campaigns that featured such slogans as "Every Time You Have Unprotected Sex God Kills a Puppy," "Use It Or Your Penis Will Fall Off," and "As Long as You're Whoring, Be Safe!"

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According to the New Zealand Herald, looking like a trend-following troglodyte is not the biggest problem with tattoos anymore.

Man Contracts Flesh Eating Disease From a Tattoo

This is my favorite line from the whole article: "Dr (Margot) McLean says officials will work with the tattooist to improve his standards of infection control." In the interest of repeat business the tattoo artist believes it to be beneficial that his clients continue to have skin.

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Can't Remember What You Just Read? Take a Nap...from ohhhh...some dumb magazine of other. I can't remember.

I need a nap.

Labels: News Round Up